I read one of those articles today that have been posted a million times on Facebook...
To be honest...I hardly read articles on Facebook.
This article hit me HARD.
Didn't cry, but I wanted to.
It was a letter she wrote to herself about becoming a mom, again. She wanted to remind herself that no matter how tired she was, just to kiss her baby one more time because they won't be that little ever again.
I keep finding myself wishing I could speed up time. Terrible Two's are in full sing with Miss K. She has done every. single. thing. to test my patience, to test my sanity, to test my breaking point. I look at her more often then I should admit and think "Oh baby girl, please grow out of this stage." It's heartbreaking. She is a piece of my everything. I would give anything to freeze time... to hold her in my arms when she is tired... Or clean up after the horrendous mess she makes on a daily basis.
I'm not ready to let her grow up.
I keep finding myself wishing I could speed up time. Fierce Five's are ever so present for Mr. L. He knows everything. He corrects me on a daily basis of all the things I do wrong. His mind is a sponge so every second he is awake he is yearning for knowledge. Asking me a million questions, how to spell a thousand words, and to make him a hundred snacks. I look at him more often then I should admit and think "My sweet boy, I can't wait until you can spell on your own and make your own snacks." (In my defense, he ALWAYS asks me right when I sit down to pee, feed the baby, or after asking him if he wants anything and he tells me no.) It makes me feel like a horrible mom. He is my heart. I look at him and see so much joy. I would give anything to freeze time... to spell out a million words and to answer all his questions about life. ("How does your Dr. get babies out of your belly?" or "Are you a Missionary mom? Are you ready to tell the world what you know about Jesus?")
I'm not ready to let him grow up.
Then there is Baby S. Three weeks old today. Already.... Need I say more?
Being this tired reminds me of all I have to be grateful for. These kids are mine. (Well, James' too!) They make me laugh. They make me crazy. They make me cry. I'm not the perfect mom. I try my best though. They're happy and loved so much.
I think I've listened to this 100 times tonight. At least 100.
It makes me want to wake them up and just snuggle them. It also makes me thinks about how my mom and dad feel (or felt) about me. I understand now. I wish I would have fully understood while my dad was still here. They brought me into this world, yes.... but they LOVED me through everything. Through my terrible two's, fierce five's, my MEAN teenage years.
My dad made me feel loved until his last day on this earth.
My mom loved me through my train wreck of a life after my dad died. My anger, the drugs, the alcohol, the horrible relationships.... (Gasp, I'm not perfect. I told you.) She stood by me... she held me... she helped me see the light again.
I want to be just like her. I want to love my kids as much as she loves me. And I will.
Just remember... As they grow... We Grow too.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Never Grow up...
Trying to understand my place in this life. Knowing it's my temporary home makes me rethink the way I have treated some people. I try to have a heart of gold, but at the same time I have an inner struggle of peace. I am determined to change the world. Cupcakes with beer.... the struggle is real.
Never Grow up...
I read one of those articles today that have been posted a million times on Facebook...
To be honest...I hardly read articles on Facebook.
This article hit me HARD.
Didn't cry, but I wanted to.
It was a letter she wrote to herself about becoming a mom, again. She wanted to remind herself that no matter how tired she was, just to kiss her baby one more time because they won't be that little ever again.
I keep finding myself wishing I could speed up time. Terrible Two's are in full sing with Miss K. She has done every. single. thing. to test my patience, to test my sanity, to test my breaking point. I look at her more often then I should admit and think "Oh baby girl, please grow out of this stage." It's heartbreaking. She is a piece of my everything. I would give anything to freeze time... to hold her in my arms when she is tired... Or clean up after the horrendous mess she makes on a daily basis.
I'm not ready to let her grow up.
I keep finding myself wishing I could speed up time. Fierce Five's are ever so present for Mr. L. He knows everything. He corrects me on a daily basis of all the things I do wrong. His mind is a sponge so every second he is awake he is yearning for knowledge. Asking me a million questions, how to spell a thousand words, and to make him a hundred snacks. I look at him more often then I should admit and think "My sweet boy, I can't wait until you can spell on your own and make your own snacks." (In my defense, he ALWAYS asks me right when I sit down to pee, feed the baby, or after asking him if he wants anything and he tells me no.) It makes me feel like a horrible mom. He is my heart. I look at him and see so much joy. I would give anything to freeze time... to spell out a million words and to answer all his questions about life. ("How does your Dr. get babies out of your belly?" or "Are you a Missionary mom? Are you ready to tell the world what you know about Jesus?")
I'm not ready to let him grow up.
Then there is Baby S. Three weeks old today. Already.... Need I say more?
Being this tired reminds me of all I have to be grateful for. These kids are mine. (Well, James' too!) They make me laugh. They make me crazy. They make me cry. I'm not the perfect mom. I try my best though. They're happy and loved so much.
I think I've listened to this 100 times tonight. At least 100.
It makes me want to wake them up and just snuggle them. It also makes me thinks about how my mom and dad feel (or felt) about me. I understand now. I wish I would have fully understood while my dad was still here. They brought me into this world, yes.... but they LOVED me through everything. Through my terrible two's, fierce five's, my MEAN teenage years.
My dad made me feel loved until his last day on this earth.
My mom loved me through my train wreck of a life after my dad died. My anger, the drugs, the alcohol, the horrible relationships.... (Gasp, I'm not perfect. I told you.) She stood by me... she held me... she helped me see the light again.
I want to be just like her. I want to love my kids as much as she loves me. And I will.
Just remember... As they grow... We Grow too.
To be honest...I hardly read articles on Facebook.
This article hit me HARD.
Didn't cry, but I wanted to.
It was a letter she wrote to herself about becoming a mom, again. She wanted to remind herself that no matter how tired she was, just to kiss her baby one more time because they won't be that little ever again.
I keep finding myself wishing I could speed up time. Terrible Two's are in full sing with Miss K. She has done every. single. thing. to test my patience, to test my sanity, to test my breaking point. I look at her more often then I should admit and think "Oh baby girl, please grow out of this stage." It's heartbreaking. She is a piece of my everything. I would give anything to freeze time... to hold her in my arms when she is tired... Or clean up after the horrendous mess she makes on a daily basis.
I'm not ready to let her grow up.
I keep finding myself wishing I could speed up time. Fierce Five's are ever so present for Mr. L. He knows everything. He corrects me on a daily basis of all the things I do wrong. His mind is a sponge so every second he is awake he is yearning for knowledge. Asking me a million questions, how to spell a thousand words, and to make him a hundred snacks. I look at him more often then I should admit and think "My sweet boy, I can't wait until you can spell on your own and make your own snacks." (In my defense, he ALWAYS asks me right when I sit down to pee, feed the baby, or after asking him if he wants anything and he tells me no.) It makes me feel like a horrible mom. He is my heart. I look at him and see so much joy. I would give anything to freeze time... to spell out a million words and to answer all his questions about life. ("How does your Dr. get babies out of your belly?" or "Are you a Missionary mom? Are you ready to tell the world what you know about Jesus?")
I'm not ready to let him grow up.
Then there is Baby S. Three weeks old today. Already.... Need I say more?
Being this tired reminds me of all I have to be grateful for. These kids are mine. (Well, James' too!) They make me laugh. They make me crazy. They make me cry. I'm not the perfect mom. I try my best though. They're happy and loved so much.
I think I've listened to this 100 times tonight. At least 100.
It makes me want to wake them up and just snuggle them. It also makes me thinks about how my mom and dad feel (or felt) about me. I understand now. I wish I would have fully understood while my dad was still here. They brought me into this world, yes.... but they LOVED me through everything. Through my terrible two's, fierce five's, my MEAN teenage years.
My dad made me feel loved until his last day on this earth.
My mom loved me through my train wreck of a life after my dad died. My anger, the drugs, the alcohol, the horrible relationships.... (Gasp, I'm not perfect. I told you.) She stood by me... she held me... she helped me see the light again.
I want to be just like her. I want to love my kids as much as she loves me. And I will.
Just remember... As they grow... We Grow too.
Trying to understand my place in this life. Knowing it's my temporary home makes me rethink the way I have treated some people. I try to have a heart of gold, but at the same time I have an inner struggle of peace. I am determined to change the world. Cupcakes with beer.... the struggle is real.
Monday, July 28, 2014
The Last page in this Chapter.
Pregnancy.
When you begin motherhood, I felt like this was really it. Really time for me to grow up because it wasn't all about me anymore. I created a life, and no matter what I had to put them first.
Along the road... I got lost. I'll admit it.
With each pregnancy I struggled with post-partum depression. I think each time it got a little worse. I finally agreed to meds, but as soon as I got the swing of things... I got pregnant again. (Don't misunderstand, This was EXACTLY what I wanted.)
Now.... Having just had S (Baby #3), I am WAY beyond done. I am ready to close this chapter of my life. I'm ready to raise my kiddos and find myself again.
With all of this being said.... I can't help but feel a sense of sadness. I'm turning 30 in a few weeks and I will never have a baby growing inside of me. I will never have strangers rub my belly (No I never minded that. They were always so caring.) I will never have the hospital experience again. Man, did I LOVE that part. All THREE times. Having people gush over this life you just brought into the world. Yes, they still gush about L and K but it is always about how big they are which just makes me sad.
So my next chapter... What will it be about? Will I be committed into a padded room?
My main goal for my 30's is falling more in love.
Falling more in love with my husband. (Is that even possible?)
Falling more in love with my children. (Even through the fierce 5's, the terrible 2's, the oh so tiring first few years)
Falling in love with WHO I AM.
Today I started my weight loss and fitness journey again.
Yes, AGAIN.
It's a never ending battle.
I wanted to open up publicly on my blog so people can get to know me better. So they can see my struggles, fears, accomplishments and maybe feel like they aren't alone. I am NOT perfect. Nor will I ever be. CAKE seriously is a food group in my book. I will fail a few times I'm sure, but I am determined to make 30 the best year yet.
Thankfully I have an amazing support system. Oh, how they are amazing.
My husband. He is a fitness freak. A sexy one at that. He is always inspiring me, encouraging me, pushing me, failing with me and showing me how to just jump right back up. He seriously is AMAZNG and has never made me feel bad about my weight.
And a new supporter is my friend Elizabeth! She came into my life for SO many reasons. God has some of the BEST timing! She brought me into the wonderful world of MOPs and truly has blessed me more than she'll ever know! Did I mention she is going to be my accountability buddy??? Woo Hoo!! I guess going to get margarita's will have to wait until we meet one of our goals!
And everyone else. I know it's really a broad category to throw everyone else in but there are WAY too many people who love and support me. So, thank you! My success is your success!
When you begin motherhood, I felt like this was really it. Really time for me to grow up because it wasn't all about me anymore. I created a life, and no matter what I had to put them first.
Along the road... I got lost. I'll admit it.
With each pregnancy I struggled with post-partum depression. I think each time it got a little worse. I finally agreed to meds, but as soon as I got the swing of things... I got pregnant again. (Don't misunderstand, This was EXACTLY what I wanted.)
Now.... Having just had S (Baby #3), I am WAY beyond done. I am ready to close this chapter of my life. I'm ready to raise my kiddos and find myself again.
With all of this being said.... I can't help but feel a sense of sadness. I'm turning 30 in a few weeks and I will never have a baby growing inside of me. I will never have strangers rub my belly (No I never minded that. They were always so caring.) I will never have the hospital experience again. Man, did I LOVE that part. All THREE times. Having people gush over this life you just brought into the world. Yes, they still gush about L and K but it is always about how big they are which just makes me sad.
Here is our first picture of officially becoming a Party of FIVE!!
So my next chapter... What will it be about? Will I be committed into a padded room?
My main goal for my 30's is falling more in love.
Falling more in love with my husband. (Is that even possible?)
Falling more in love with my children. (Even through the fierce 5's, the terrible 2's, the oh so tiring first few years)
Falling in love with WHO I AM.
Today I started my weight loss and fitness journey again.
Yes, AGAIN.
It's a never ending battle.
I wanted to open up publicly on my blog so people can get to know me better. So they can see my struggles, fears, accomplishments and maybe feel like they aren't alone. I am NOT perfect. Nor will I ever be. CAKE seriously is a food group in my book. I will fail a few times I'm sure, but I am determined to make 30 the best year yet.
Thankfully I have an amazing support system. Oh, how they are amazing.
My husband. He is a fitness freak. A sexy one at that. He is always inspiring me, encouraging me, pushing me, failing with me and showing me how to just jump right back up. He seriously is AMAZNG and has never made me feel bad about my weight.
And a new supporter is my friend Elizabeth! She came into my life for SO many reasons. God has some of the BEST timing! She brought me into the wonderful world of MOPs and truly has blessed me more than she'll ever know! Did I mention she is going to be my accountability buddy??? Woo Hoo!! I guess going to get margarita's will have to wait until we meet one of our goals!
And everyone else. I know it's really a broad category to throw everyone else in but there are WAY too many people who love and support me. So, thank you! My success is your success!
Trying to understand my place in this life. Knowing it's my temporary home makes me rethink the way I have treated some people. I try to have a heart of gold, but at the same time I have an inner struggle of peace. I am determined to change the world. Cupcakes with beer.... the struggle is real.
The Last page in this Chapter.
Pregnancy.
When you begin motherhood, I felt like this was really it. Really time for me to grow up because it wasn't all about me anymore. I created a life, and no matter what I had to put them first.
Along the road... I got lost. I'll admit it.
With each pregnancy I struggled with post-partum depression. I think each time it got a little worse. I finally agreed to meds, but as soon as I got the swing of things... I got pregnant again. (Don't misunderstand, This was EXACTLY what I wanted.)
Now.... Having just had S (Baby #3), I am WAY beyond done. I am ready to close this chapter of my life. I'm ready to raise my kiddos and find myself again.
With all of this being said.... I can't help but feel a sense of sadness. I'm turning 30 in a few weeks and I will never have a baby growing inside of me. I will never have strangers rub my belly (No I never minded that. They were always so caring.) I will never have the hospital experience again. Man, did I LOVE that part. All THREE times. Having people gush over this life you just brought into the world. Yes, they still gush about L and K but it is always about how big they are which just makes me sad.
So my next chapter... What will it be about? Will I be committed into a padded room?
My main goal for my 30's is falling more in love.
Falling more in love with my husband. (Is that even possible?)
Falling more in love with my children. (Even through the fierce 5's, the terrible 2's, the oh so tiring first few years)
Falling in love with WHO I AM.
Today I started my weight loss and fitness journey again.
Yes, AGAIN.
It's a never ending battle.
I wanted to open up publicly on my blog so people can get to know me better. So they can see my struggles, fears, accomplishments and maybe feel like they aren't alone. I am NOT perfect. Nor will I ever be. CAKE seriously is a food group in my book. I will fail a few times I'm sure, but I am determined to make 30 the best year yet.
Thankfully I have an amazing support system. Oh, how they are amazing.
My husband. He is a fitness freak. A sexy one at that. He is always inspiring me, encouraging me, pushing me, failing with me and showing me how to just jump right back up. He seriously is AMAZNG and has never made me feel bad about my weight.
And a new supporter is my friend Elizabeth! She came into my life for SO many reasons. God has some of the BEST timing! She brought me into the wonderful world of MOPs and truly has blessed me more than she'll ever know! Did I mention she is going to be my accountability buddy??? Woo Hoo!! I guess going to get margarita's will have to wait until we meet one of our goals!
And everyone else. I know it's really a broad category to throw everyone else in but there are WAY too many people who love and support me. So, thank you! My success is your success!
<3 m="" p="">
When you begin motherhood, I felt like this was really it. Really time for me to grow up because it wasn't all about me anymore. I created a life, and no matter what I had to put them first.
Along the road... I got lost. I'll admit it.
With each pregnancy I struggled with post-partum depression. I think each time it got a little worse. I finally agreed to meds, but as soon as I got the swing of things... I got pregnant again. (Don't misunderstand, This was EXACTLY what I wanted.)
Now.... Having just had S (Baby #3), I am WAY beyond done. I am ready to close this chapter of my life. I'm ready to raise my kiddos and find myself again.
With all of this being said.... I can't help but feel a sense of sadness. I'm turning 30 in a few weeks and I will never have a baby growing inside of me. I will never have strangers rub my belly (No I never minded that. They were always so caring.) I will never have the hospital experience again. Man, did I LOVE that part. All THREE times. Having people gush over this life you just brought into the world. Yes, they still gush about L and K but it is always about how big they are which just makes me sad.
Here is our first picture of officially becoming a Party of FIVE!!
So my next chapter... What will it be about? Will I be committed into a padded room?
My main goal for my 30's is falling more in love.
Falling more in love with my husband. (Is that even possible?)
Falling more in love with my children. (Even through the fierce 5's, the terrible 2's, the oh so tiring first few years)
Falling in love with WHO I AM.
Today I started my weight loss and fitness journey again.
Yes, AGAIN.
It's a never ending battle.
I wanted to open up publicly on my blog so people can get to know me better. So they can see my struggles, fears, accomplishments and maybe feel like they aren't alone. I am NOT perfect. Nor will I ever be. CAKE seriously is a food group in my book. I will fail a few times I'm sure, but I am determined to make 30 the best year yet.
Thankfully I have an amazing support system. Oh, how they are amazing.
My husband. He is a fitness freak. A sexy one at that. He is always inspiring me, encouraging me, pushing me, failing with me and showing me how to just jump right back up. He seriously is AMAZNG and has never made me feel bad about my weight.
And a new supporter is my friend Elizabeth! She came into my life for SO many reasons. God has some of the BEST timing! She brought me into the wonderful world of MOPs and truly has blessed me more than she'll ever know! Did I mention she is going to be my accountability buddy??? Woo Hoo!! I guess going to get margarita's will have to wait until we meet one of our goals!
And everyone else. I know it's really a broad category to throw everyone else in but there are WAY too many people who love and support me. So, thank you! My success is your success!
<3 m="" p="">
Trying to understand my place in this life. Knowing it's my temporary home makes me rethink the way I have treated some people. I try to have a heart of gold, but at the same time I have an inner struggle of peace. I am determined to change the world. Cupcakes with beer.... the struggle is real.
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