To the single moms who are trying to find their 2nd chance...

I see you. I see how tired you are at the end of the day. I see how tired you are in the mornings because your mind wouldn’t shut off when you laid down. I know how hard it is to hold it all together for not only you but the 3 precious faces you get the pleasure of looking at 24/7. I know you feel like you’re failing… but you are actually kicking ass and taking names. I know it doesn’t feel like it most days, but I promise you that you’re doing an amazing job. Just showing up, being present, and trying your best. These are just some of the reasons you stand out to your littles. They see you too.

Even after your mind reminded you that you might not be ready… because, come on now, you’ve ran through the scenarios several times of what COULD happen. You’ve binge watched the ID channel and have seen the same stories over and over of the single mom looking for love…. Only to fall for the wrong guy and end up on the same channel as the victim. It’s hard. It’s SO freakin hard. BUT, you can’t let fear keep you from meeting someone who could potentially be your 2^nd chance. You DO deserve a 2^nd chance. You know that right? Say it with me “I deserve to be loved. I’m worthy. I’m beautiful just the way that I am. I deserve to love again and be loved. I am enough.” (My amazing friend reminded me of this often through text. Because of her love… I say this daily to myself.)

Some nights you lay there in bed and think about all the heartbreak you’ve seen and felt. If only people could see your heart from the outside… or even your mind. They might be surprised how ripped apart you are. They could also be shocked at how well you DO handle your daily life. If they could see how many moments of your day end in tears, frustration, and cuss words. You just need to remember to give yourself grace, a 2^nd chance, and a few uninterrupted (Ha! Three kids? Yeah right!) deep breaths. One day you will wake up with a different thought process. It just takes a while. Just remember to thank your tribe at the end of it. Thank them for holding your hand through it all. Without judgement, they have loved and cheered you on. You’re probably thinking “How the hell did I get so lucky?” right? I think about that too. Thank your tribe for letting you take as much time as you need to be angry, hurt, distant, and so many more emotions. No one really knows how long it takes the heart to heal. There’s no right time… please know that. People will tell you over and over about TIME… but only you know when your heart is ready. And when it is…. Jump right back in like it was the first time. Hear me? It’s ok! You’re allowed to be loved. You’re allowed to be happy. You are certainly allowed to be a grown up with dreams and passions. Yes, you’re still that amazing momma… but don’t forget you are also a human who thrives on connection with other humans. You love… love. I think that’s admirable. The definition of time is the measured or measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists or continues. So even the Merriam-Webster dictionary doesn’t even have an exact amount of time. Just please… do what your heart feels is right. At the end of the day time doesn’t protect your heart. It may make the hurt, betrayal, grief lesson… but it will always be there.

You’re ready to laugh again aren’t you? You’re ready to find that person to share your life with and make some HAPPY memories. You’re tired of crying and feeling incomplete right? I understand. You learn through this whole process that you can do it on your own. That you are capable of fixing the toilet and taking care of the yard. You climb up to the top of that shiny ladder thing that has leaned up against the wall for months now to change the garage lightbulb. You figure out how to play both roles with a sense of accomplishment. I see you. I see how independent and strong you are becoming. Holy crap… who knew you had it in you girl! I’m amazed by your fierce self and your gentle soul. Keep that spark and allow yourself to be vulnerable again. Life is too short. Do I need to remind you that I lost my dad at 22? I’m not afraid to love again and I refuse to let someone take one of the greatest traits about me away so you shouldn’t either. He may have taken so much from you and the kids… but that doesn’t mean you get to give up. Get back out there. Try again. I promise you won’t be alone.

Your tribe loves you. I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life. They have been with you through one of the worst times in your life.  They will also celebrate your new found love. For them… it will be like falling in love all over again too, because they feel what your heart feels. That’s why they are your tribe. They may tell you to take it slow, and that’s ok. They aren’t saying don’t allow yourself to fall or be too vulnerable. They are just expressing that they don’t want to see you hurt again. They will be there for you again as many times as it takes… but your heartbreak took a toll on them too. You may not have known at the time… but so many people hurt right alongside of you. You are so loved. By so many. That has to tell you something. You may not feel like you’ve accomplished many goals or dreams that you’ve had in the past 10 years…. But if you would stop and see how many people have been cheering you on, holding your hand, opening your beers, helping to pay your bills, watching your kiddos, sending you texts, making you food, telling you that YOU will find a more meaningful love again… You’ve accomplished more than a college degree or a corporate job. You have found that love can be shared in so many other ways than just between a man and woman. Your kids witnessed this love too. They know the importance of throwing out the boundaries of love. Thanks to you.

Please, put yourself back out there. If you are willing to… there’s someone just as special as you out there taking the same chance. When two broken souls find each other it’s a completely different kind of love. You aren’t choosing each other out of necessity or excitement. You are choosing each other because you genuinely want to share life with that person and all that comes with them. You are choosing to love the scars and fears. You will look at each other and understand the battle you both have fought. That’s when the magic happens. I’m not saying you won’t get hurt again. I wish I could… but I am saying that every chance you take will be worth it.

Scared about how your kiddos will react? They are watching and learning from you. It’s important for you to show them that sometimes life sucks…bad. You also need to show them how to get back up when you get the wind knocked out of you. The person you meet will love them too… because they are the biggest part of your heart. And same goes for them and their kids. It’s truly like hitting the jackpot. More hearts mean more people to add to your tribe and love. You get to choose each other. It will be scary for everyone, but again, you know your heart and you trust his. Your kids will be just fine. In fact, they will be better humans because you didn’t give up and you allowed them to see a happier, healthier version of you. They deserve to see what a healthy love looks like. Remember… they will be traveling this road one day too. Just remain patient. Continue to be vulnerable and honest. Don’t fall victim to the past. It already took 10 years of your life.

Last thought… I’m proud of you. I’m so incredibly proud of the woman you have grown into. You are clothed with dignity and strength. You certainly laugh without fear. The most impressive part of all of this… You learned to love yourself regardless. You chose yourself for once and it was the best decision you could make at that time in your life. Will there still be bad days? Heck yes! You are well prepared for those days now though… just remember to ask for help if you need it.

Shout out to all my warrior friends out there. I have watched your journey. I have been cheering you on. Silently… and I’m sorry for that, but it was all I could do at the time. Thank you for loving me regardless of how quiet I was. You understand though. I love and respect the hell out of you because I understand too. Keep fighting the fight and keep loving yourself. You’re so worth it.

-M

Taking my mask off.

It’s been awhile.

After the big move…. Things changed.

I haven’t had time to write. I’ve been finding myself out here by the lake. It’s different here. Heaven feels closer… We are actually living. We spend more time together outside now than we ever have.

As soon as we started to get comfortable here… God changed the path of my life forever… again.

I don’t know if he was preparing me for heartbreak... or making us a safe place to land when we got knocked off our feet. The kids too. We have all these welcoming arms here… so when I fell they all caught me. It was exactly where we needed to be. I needed to look out my window and not see army green everywhere. I needed to feel like I had my own place to break down and hide from the world.

We had BIG dreams here. All of us. It’s hard to face the fact that those dreams were never real. It was all a matter of time before it came crashing down.

Feeling like you aren’t enough… feeling like you watched yourself die slowly and never did anything to stop it… feeling used. Trying to raise 3 kids so close in age… drains you. I try to keep up, but most of the time another area of my life is failing.

I understand, though. As much as it hurts to say…. I knew this was going to happen so long ago. I knew all those times I was saying goodbye to him… something wasn’t right. It’s my fault too. We just made different choices. Doesn’t make it hurt any less. After all of these emotions I would compare separating to grieving a death. You become strangers with memories.

The kids are so strong. I feel like they’re carrying me. They have wiped my tears and reminded me how much they love me. Our kids are… amazingly strong… I hope one day they understand how much they mean to me and how I would give up my entire being for them.

Even after all of this… I still find that place in my heart that wishes we could make our family work. I came from a broken family… and I survived. But, I still wonder what it would be like at times to have both parents in my everyday life. However, I’m not going to dwell on this anymore. We will just have to find our new norm as a family of 4.

I don’t know what my path looks like. I don’t know if I’ll ever fall in love again… or if I’ll ever get over this pain. I do know that I have the most amazing support system a girl could ask for. I have friends dragging me out of bed, bringing over meals for my kids, listening to me cry… and cry…. And cry. Friends that check on me EVERY SINGLE DAY. People telling me I’m strong, I’m worthy, I’m beautiful, I’m going to make it. If I wouldn’t have made the choice to share what was going on in my life on Facebook…. I wouldn’t have had so many people helping me get back up. So thank you. I still don’t think I have answered every email. It’s not because I don’t care… I really do. I’m just overwhelmed… and I feel so loved.

It’s ok to admit our lives aren’t perfect. We live in a society where everyone runs to FB to post all the amazingly happy things going on in their lives. We have this perception that everyone is just drinking their pumpkin spice lattes every September while eating pumpkin pie… and not gaining a pound! Or cutting down Christmas trees together as a family in matching flannel. The truth is… we are all struggling with something… It’s nice to know we aren’t alone.

I debated sharing my struggles. I wasn’t sure if I wanted people to know my business. Or to know how vulnerable I really am. I didn’t know if I could handle criticism. I prayed on it for a few days… and here I am making this decision to share my journey. Some days will be a piece of cake. Others will be a thunderstorm. I feel like I have always been an open person. I blog because it makes me feel alive. I want my kids to be able to look back and get a glimpse of my life. Regardless if it was all glitter and roses. I want them to know the real me… and that I refuse to sink.

A friend shared one of Joel Osteen’s FB status today… {The Scripture says, “Confess your faults one to another and you will be healed.” If you keep hiding things, they’re not going to go away. You have to take off the mask. Don’t be embarrassed by it. Everyone is struggling with something. There are no perfect people.}

My mask is off.

Tomorrow is a new day. I’m going to face the day with a smile on my face… because no matter how hurt I am, or how lost I feel… I have THREE little kiddos watching my every move. They need me… like I need them.

My blog will be changing. As much as I don’t want to because I have poured so much into this… I can no longer write for a life I’m having to transition out of.

Believe me when I say… I will rise. I will be better than before. I will not let this break me.