Nonetheless, she persisted.

I promised myself that I would remain vulnerable and raw no matter what life throws my way. I’ve thought about shutting down several times. To stop blogging… but one thing that stops me is the feeling of shame. Let me just get this over with right now and say I am NOT ashamed of the choices I made. I will NOT feel shame for the choices I made. I am a grown woman. So, if you are reading this and you have anything negative to say bring it on. I’m pretty sure I’m my worst critic so nothing you’re thinking will surprise me.

Let’s go back to the night before my half marathon.

My anxiety was fierce. My stomach remained in my throat. I really didn’t know if I wanted to throw up, sleep, or cry. This was such a huge thing for me to accomplish. Not only physically but mentally. I put so many road blocks up in my mind that sometimes it’s nearly impossible to break through. I trusted my body and my training… but the fear of not finishing still haunted me.

I woke up the next morning and gave it my all. Just like I do most things. When I crossed that finish line I was filled with accomplishment and relief. I did it. I actually finished something I started. My sister and I went to the store later that evening… and I bought a pregnancy test.

Talk about your stomach being in your throat. I had so much on my mind but felt ashamed to even speak of anything out loud. I had the 10 year IUD put in after I had Sadie. I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant for the next TEN years… unless I decided to have it removed. That was my thought process anyways.

Most people know I had been dating this guy. It was a whirlwind of emotions and feelings. Some I hadn’t had in a very long time. We were both broken souls… that was apparent from the start. We both had commitment issues and tried to let go of our pasts. He was amazing. Still is amazing. His heart was kind and wanted to be loved for him… more than he knew. I don’t agree with how things ended and I’m even more confused and hurt then when I started this journey… but He reminded me what it felt like to be desired again.

So back to the terrifying words… pregnancy test. I woke up that morning at 3 am so I could catch my flight back home. I took the test. It was positive. Of course, it had two pink lines. Nothing in my life comes with ease. That’s just a fact that I have come to terms with. I was 32 years old with THREE young kids…. Going through a divorce. On vacation. With a positive pregnancy test and a boyfriend I had only known a month. WTF.

You may be wondering why in the world I would share such intimate details of my life. Well, I have had several people privately email me and tell me their stories. Details about their pain and trials. I feel like if I can reach one person and let them know that none of us are perfect… then writing my story is worth it. I refuse to feel anything but worthy.

Back in TX. I call the guy and he tells me that he doesn’t know if he wants to be tied down. Not really the news I’m wanting to hear… especially after I just told him I was pregnant. Nonetheless, he showed up at my next two doctor appointments.  This is where they confirmed my test. Next appointment was an ultrasound where they found nothing. They told me I was still pregnant, but just very early. My mind is in overdrive now. How is this my life? What did I do so wrong that I deserved so much chaos? How was I going to raise FOUR kids by myself? He reassured me over and over that no matter what we would make it through all of this together. For the first time in a VERY VERY VERY long time… I felt safe.

After a week of overthinking and stress… I ultimately had a miscarriage. A pain and grief no one understands until they live through it. I wasn’t supposed to let people know how broken I felt… because I was made to feel shame. For what? What did I do that was so shameful? Why couldn’t I tell people who continue to follow my story of rebuilding myself… how I TRULY was doing? Knowing my grief had mixed emotions. Sadness but Relief. What was wrong with me?

Cue in the boyfriend…. He hasn’t spoken to me since I said those horrible words of loss. Why would someone choose such a terrible time to ignore someone? Someone that they just reassured. Once again… I am finding myself surrounded with grief and sadness. I thought he was someone who was genuinely interested in my wellbeing. And that was it… I was left alone to miscarry through the weekend. Another time in my life that I'll chalk up to life experience. 

Here I am… reminding myself that I’m worthy. I’m enough. And I will continue to fight these battles and I refuse to let someone’s decisions break me. I am only in control of myself. I can’t make someone else want to stay. I will take my time to grieve and reset…. But then I’m getting right back up to try again. I know that when I do fall, I fall hard. Some may see it as a curse. Some see it as a blessing. The empty feeling in my stomach... tells me that this won't be the last time I feel this way.

Transparency is brave. In a world where we share too much… I’m happy knowing that I share the pieces of my life that make me who I am regardless if they are socially acceptable or beautiful. If someone chooses to love me… then they need to love all parts of me.

Nonetheless, she persisted.

This is my NIGHT song!

The dark nights is when it gets hard.

The sun isn’t shining through your windows anymore. You’re not chasing your kids around and the craziness of the daily schedule is done. Dishes are in the sink… but who cares. Your phone stops ringing… The world is quiet. That’s when your mind starts playing like a song stuck on repeat. You start breaking yourself down… over and over again. That’s when I usually cry. I don’t consider myself a huge crier. Well, maybe I am. I feel like when people see me cry… that it’s a sign of weakness. I don’t want to be seen as someone you feel sorry for. In a way… I’m thankful this happened to me.

I was talking with one of my amazing friends when I said “I’m thankful this is happening to me right now. And not my mom, or sisters, nieces…. Friends…. YOU. I don’t want anyone to feel the pain I’m going through. I truly mean that. I'm not bitter that my friends are still in happy marriages. I’m so very thankful they are. Don’t feel like I am going to get upset about sharing your exciting moments still. I NEED to hear them! I want to know that my friends are being loved on.

At night you gain some perspective. Of course that’s after you cry your eyes out and blow your nose a 100 times…  Then you start to realize that you’re still alive. I am healthy… I am strong… I am loved… and I have the most amazing people in my life. And I’m alive. With all my complaining... I don’t want people to be mistaken. I know my situation could be SO much worse. The pain isn’t discounted though. I do understand that I should still find the joy in my situation. And most times I do… in the daylight.

Right now though… I want to be mad. I want to throw things and yell. I want to runaway… or sleep all day. But… I can’t. I don't get to do anything for me, right now.  

So… my son just started cub scouts this year. I was so excited… volunteered to be the den mom. Then this happened… and I disappeared. For some reason I was embarrassed to walk in and see all the dad’s. Fingers pointing at you… and people screaming scarlet letter!!!! Ha… kidding. It was just rough. I had to face it at some point so I went back today. Just him and I…. my mom keeps the girls. We get that one on one time that I long for. He’s growing up to fast.  Anywho… we did it. We had fun. Everyone was supportive. No one pointed at me. It was nice. I smiled most of the time, seeing him so happy.

Then the car ride home happened…. He said to me “Mom, what will it feel like when you marry daddy again? Really weird?” Here comes life lesson #862… “Baby, mommy and daddy will never be married again.” He said “you know Dad still loves you in his heart, right mom?” 

Holding back tears…. Then he goes on to tell me that he never wants me to marry anyone else because I have him.  Ugh! This boy melts my heart. Trying to be honest… but trying to be gentle… and trying to be very positive. It’s rough.

Another hard emotion to get over is finding someone attractive and not feeling like you did something wrong. For almost 8 years… I’ve never looked at anyone that way. You have to start all over. (Yes, I know everything is still fresh… I’m not saying I’m getting married tomorrow or even that I’m ever going to date again… Just wanted to make that clear before I get lots of messages telling me to TAKE MY TIME.) I have to learn someone new. Someone has to learn me all over again. What if they THINK they love me… and then change their mind? What about all my bladder surgeries, my depression, my free spirit? I have to start ALL over again. How is someone going to love me … and THEN have enough love for my kids? My dogs? Cats? So much anxiety. It’s overwhelming. 

Changing your last name.... again!!!! :( :( :(  

You then get really strong. You start listening to “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten…. Singing every word. You start thinking… I can do this. You get up! You take a shower… finally. You get dressed... and I don't mean yoga pants...real pants. You do your hair and make-up. You’re ready to face the freakin’ world!!!!! Drive out of the driveway and turn on the radio. BAM!!!!! Within minutes you’re weak again. It’s a horrible cycle. It’s hard to break it… but you know you’ve grieved long enough… or at least that’s what people are starting to say.

Hey friends…. That are reading this, that I know are going through the EXACT same thing as me right now…. Keep hanging on. I know every single one of you and I’m standing next to you holding your hand… saying cuss words. It will get better!!!

I know I’m rambling… it’s been a roller coaster of a ride so far and it hasn’t even started yet.   

I have so much more to write. I don’t even know if people WANT to read this or are they just trying to be sweet. I do want you all to know that I’ve had a few VERY happy times happen during all of this, but I can’t even write about them. L Maybe another time… for another sleepless night.

One day at a time <3 o:p="">

 

Taking my mask off.

It’s been awhile.

After the big move…. Things changed.

I haven’t had time to write. I’ve been finding myself out here by the lake. It’s different here. Heaven feels closer… We are actually living. We spend more time together outside now than we ever have.

As soon as we started to get comfortable here… God changed the path of my life forever… again.

I don’t know if he was preparing me for heartbreak... or making us a safe place to land when we got knocked off our feet. The kids too. We have all these welcoming arms here… so when I fell they all caught me. It was exactly where we needed to be. I needed to look out my window and not see army green everywhere. I needed to feel like I had my own place to break down and hide from the world.

We had BIG dreams here. All of us. It’s hard to face the fact that those dreams were never real. It was all a matter of time before it came crashing down.

Feeling like you aren’t enough… feeling like you watched yourself die slowly and never did anything to stop it… feeling used. Trying to raise 3 kids so close in age… drains you. I try to keep up, but most of the time another area of my life is failing.

I understand, though. As much as it hurts to say…. I knew this was going to happen so long ago. I knew all those times I was saying goodbye to him… something wasn’t right. It’s my fault too. We just made different choices. Doesn’t make it hurt any less. After all of these emotions I would compare separating to grieving a death. You become strangers with memories.

The kids are so strong. I feel like they’re carrying me. They have wiped my tears and reminded me how much they love me. Our kids are… amazingly strong… I hope one day they understand how much they mean to me and how I would give up my entire being for them.

Even after all of this… I still find that place in my heart that wishes we could make our family work. I came from a broken family… and I survived. But, I still wonder what it would be like at times to have both parents in my everyday life. However, I’m not going to dwell on this anymore. We will just have to find our new norm as a family of 4.

I don’t know what my path looks like. I don’t know if I’ll ever fall in love again… or if I’ll ever get over this pain. I do know that I have the most amazing support system a girl could ask for. I have friends dragging me out of bed, bringing over meals for my kids, listening to me cry… and cry…. And cry. Friends that check on me EVERY SINGLE DAY. People telling me I’m strong, I’m worthy, I’m beautiful, I’m going to make it. If I wouldn’t have made the choice to share what was going on in my life on Facebook…. I wouldn’t have had so many people helping me get back up. So thank you. I still don’t think I have answered every email. It’s not because I don’t care… I really do. I’m just overwhelmed… and I feel so loved.

It’s ok to admit our lives aren’t perfect. We live in a society where everyone runs to FB to post all the amazingly happy things going on in their lives. We have this perception that everyone is just drinking their pumpkin spice lattes every September while eating pumpkin pie… and not gaining a pound! Or cutting down Christmas trees together as a family in matching flannel. The truth is… we are all struggling with something… It’s nice to know we aren’t alone.

I debated sharing my struggles. I wasn’t sure if I wanted people to know my business. Or to know how vulnerable I really am. I didn’t know if I could handle criticism. I prayed on it for a few days… and here I am making this decision to share my journey. Some days will be a piece of cake. Others will be a thunderstorm. I feel like I have always been an open person. I blog because it makes me feel alive. I want my kids to be able to look back and get a glimpse of my life. Regardless if it was all glitter and roses. I want them to know the real me… and that I refuse to sink.

A friend shared one of Joel Osteen’s FB status today… {The Scripture says, “Confess your faults one to another and you will be healed.” If you keep hiding things, they’re not going to go away. You have to take off the mask. Don’t be embarrassed by it. Everyone is struggling with something. There are no perfect people.}

My mask is off.

Tomorrow is a new day. I’m going to face the day with a smile on my face… because no matter how hurt I am, or how lost I feel… I have THREE little kiddos watching my every move. They need me… like I need them.

My blog will be changing. As much as I don’t want to because I have poured so much into this… I can no longer write for a life I’m having to transition out of.

Believe me when I say… I will rise. I will be better than before. I will not let this break me.