Nonetheless, she persisted.

I promised myself that I would remain vulnerable and raw no matter what life throws my way. I’ve thought about shutting down several times. To stop blogging… but one thing that stops me is the feeling of shame. Let me just get this over with right now and say I am NOT ashamed of the choices I made. I will NOT feel shame for the choices I made. I am a grown woman. So, if you are reading this and you have anything negative to say bring it on. I’m pretty sure I’m my worst critic so nothing you’re thinking will surprise me.

Let’s go back to the night before my half marathon.

My anxiety was fierce. My stomach remained in my throat. I really didn’t know if I wanted to throw up, sleep, or cry. This was such a huge thing for me to accomplish. Not only physically but mentally. I put so many road blocks up in my mind that sometimes it’s nearly impossible to break through. I trusted my body and my training… but the fear of not finishing still haunted me.

I woke up the next morning and gave it my all. Just like I do most things. When I crossed that finish line I was filled with accomplishment and relief. I did it. I actually finished something I started. My sister and I went to the store later that evening… and I bought a pregnancy test.

Talk about your stomach being in your throat. I had so much on my mind but felt ashamed to even speak of anything out loud. I had the 10 year IUD put in after I had Sadie. I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant for the next TEN years… unless I decided to have it removed. That was my thought process anyways.

Most people know I had been dating this guy. It was a whirlwind of emotions and feelings. Some I hadn’t had in a very long time. We were both broken souls… that was apparent from the start. We both had commitment issues and tried to let go of our pasts. He was amazing. Still is amazing. His heart was kind and wanted to be loved for him… more than he knew. I don’t agree with how things ended and I’m even more confused and hurt then when I started this journey… but He reminded me what it felt like to be desired again.

So back to the terrifying words… pregnancy test. I woke up that morning at 3 am so I could catch my flight back home. I took the test. It was positive. Of course, it had two pink lines. Nothing in my life comes with ease. That’s just a fact that I have come to terms with. I was 32 years old with THREE young kids…. Going through a divorce. On vacation. With a positive pregnancy test and a boyfriend I had only known a month. WTF.

You may be wondering why in the world I would share such intimate details of my life. Well, I have had several people privately email me and tell me their stories. Details about their pain and trials. I feel like if I can reach one person and let them know that none of us are perfect… then writing my story is worth it. I refuse to feel anything but worthy.

Back in TX. I call the guy and he tells me that he doesn’t know if he wants to be tied down. Not really the news I’m wanting to hear… especially after I just told him I was pregnant. Nonetheless, he showed up at my next two doctor appointments.  This is where they confirmed my test. Next appointment was an ultrasound where they found nothing. They told me I was still pregnant, but just very early. My mind is in overdrive now. How is this my life? What did I do so wrong that I deserved so much chaos? How was I going to raise FOUR kids by myself? He reassured me over and over that no matter what we would make it through all of this together. For the first time in a VERY VERY VERY long time… I felt safe.

After a week of overthinking and stress… I ultimately had a miscarriage. A pain and grief no one understands until they live through it. I wasn’t supposed to let people know how broken I felt… because I was made to feel shame. For what? What did I do that was so shameful? Why couldn’t I tell people who continue to follow my story of rebuilding myself… how I TRULY was doing? Knowing my grief had mixed emotions. Sadness but Relief. What was wrong with me?

Cue in the boyfriend…. He hasn’t spoken to me since I said those horrible words of loss. Why would someone choose such a terrible time to ignore someone? Someone that they just reassured. Once again… I am finding myself surrounded with grief and sadness. I thought he was someone who was genuinely interested in my wellbeing. And that was it… I was left alone to miscarry through the weekend. Another time in my life that I'll chalk up to life experience. 

Here I am… reminding myself that I’m worthy. I’m enough. And I will continue to fight these battles and I refuse to let someone’s decisions break me. I am only in control of myself. I can’t make someone else want to stay. I will take my time to grieve and reset…. But then I’m getting right back up to try again. I know that when I do fall, I fall hard. Some may see it as a curse. Some see it as a blessing. The empty feeling in my stomach... tells me that this won't be the last time I feel this way.

Transparency is brave. In a world where we share too much… I’m happy knowing that I share the pieces of my life that make me who I am regardless if they are socially acceptable or beautiful. If someone chooses to love me… then they need to love all parts of me.

Nonetheless, she persisted.

Out with the old... In with the Tiny!

Clutter = Depression

I actually read an article stating clutter could be triggering depression. I feel like I have said that so many times. “The house is a mess and it’s making me feel blue!” Then when you try to clean and get NO WHERE… Thank you 3 sweet babies… You feel even worse.

You know that saying “You have to take the bull by its horns?”

Side note: I am horrible at quoting sayings. I do it all the time but 95% of the time I say them wrong. While watching The Bachelor last night I said “Wow, she is a cloud 9 clinger!” Oh my goodness…. My husband laughed so hard. Truthfully, I actually thought it was “You have to take the bull by the balls,” but didn’t think that sounded right or appropriate so I googled it. Ha! Ok..... Moving on from my NOT so blonde moment.

So here I am… About to move again. I think this will be the 4^th time in 4 years. Sixth time in 7 years…. About to be NINE times in our 7 years of marriage!!! Whoa!!!!

I have a lot of crap.

I love to craft. I can’t just have 1 stamp pad though. I have to have 20. It’s a vicious cycle. And it adds up.

This isn’t a new year’s resolution. (Can I even still make one?) This is real life. I need and want to do this for my family. I think it would be a great project while James is away. I’m obsessed with Tiny Living so I think I’ll use that concept to an extent.

Donate.  Save.  Sell.

I want to use this with my health too. Cut back on the crap. Eat clean, exercise for stress relief. I know I will feel better all around. I feel like 2015 is going to be a good year for me if I TAKE Action… not just TALK about it.

What are you favorite organization tricks? Comment and let me know! I love sharing new ideas.

My sister is a professional organizer. Gasp… I know. She lives in a different state though, so I can’t ask for help as a Christmas gift. BUMMER! I messaged her and said “HELP!!! I need to get rid of this mess!” She said:

1)      Someday has passed… so get rid of all the crap you say “Someday I’m going to fix this… or Someday I’m going to have a garage sale.”

2)      If it’s not worth more than $50… don’t try to sell it.

3)      Call and schedule a pick up from the Salvation Army (Or wherever!) to come pick up your donations. It will give you a deadline.

4)      Start and complete ONE ROOM AT A TIME!

That’s where I’m going to leave this….. I’m headed off to Pinterest to find some easy ideas and then my kids and I will be making a game out of this. Not sure if that is proactive, or procrastination at its finest. We shall see. I'm hoping for a post a week of ideas!

Out with the old... In with the Tiny!

Clutter = Depression

I actually read an article stating clutter could be triggering depression. I feel like I have said that so many times. “The house is a mess and it’s making me feel blue!” Then when you try to clean and get NO WHERE… Thank you 3 sweet babies… You feel even worse.

You know that saying “You have to take the bull by its horns?”

Side note: I am horrible at quoting sayings. I do it all the time but 95% of the time I say them wrong. While watching The Bachelor last night I said “Wow, she is a cloud 9 clinger!” Oh my goodness…. My husband laughed so hard. Truthfully, I actually thought it was “You have to take the bull by the balls,” but didn’t think that sounded right or appropriate so I googled it. Ha! Ok..... Moving on from my NOT so blonde moment.

So here I am… About to move again. I think this will be the 4^th time in 4 years. Sixth time in 7 years…. About to be NINE times in our 7 years of marriage!!! Whoa!!!!

I have a lot of crap.

I love to craft. I can’t just have 1 stamp pad though. I have to have 20. It’s a vicious cycle. And it adds up.

This isn’t a new year’s resolution. (Can I even still make one?) This is real life. I need and want to do this for my family. I think it would be a great project while James is away. I’m obsessed with Tiny Living so I think I’ll use that concept to an extent.

Donate.  Save.  Sell.

I want to use this with my health too. Cut back on the crap. Eat clean, exercise for stress relief. I know I will feel better all around. I feel like 2015 is going to be a good year for me if I TAKE Action… not just TALK about it.

What are you favorite organization tricks? Comment and let me know! I love sharing new ideas.

My sister is a professional organizer. Gasp… I know. She lives in a different state though, so I can’t ask for help as a Christmas gift. BUMMER! I messaged her and said “HELP!!! I need to get rid of this mess!” She said:

1)      Someday has passed… so get rid of all the crap you say “Someday I’m going to fix this… or Someday I’m going to have a garage sale.”

2)      If it’s not worth more than $50… don’t try to sell it.

3)      Call and schedule a pick up from the Salvation Army (Or wherever!) to come pick up your donations. It will give you a deadline.

4)      Start and complete ONE ROOM AT A TIME!

That’s where I’m going to leave this….. I’m headed off to Pinterest to find some easy ideas and then my kids and I will be making a game out of this. Not sure if that is proactive, or procrastination at its finest. We shall see. I'm hoping for a post a week of ideas!

Suffering Silently. Depression.

I’m pretty sure after hearing the news about Robin Williams tonight, most of the world was shocked. He spent his whole life making the world laugh, when he was so lost inside. It was so saddening that it takes something so tragic and permanent for people to talk about depression.  Why? Why aren’t more people raising awareness? Why are people so afraid to admit that they are struggling? There are so many of us who are suffering silently.

Does this make me less of a woman? Less of a mom? Less of a wife? Even less of a friend? At times… maybe. Only because no one understands. At least, I didn’t think anyone did. It’s not like I have a cast on my arm… now that, you can see. You know to offer help or be a little more kind that day, because you see their arm is broken. They are temporally suffering.

When you struggle with depression is it temporally or permanently? This I can’t answer. We are all different. I feel like with each pregnancy I struggle longer. I’m not sure if that even falls under post-partum anymore either. It hasn’t gone away.  

I finally decided to seek help after I had our first child. My mom talked to me in confidence that she thought I was suffering from post-partum. Then I remember having a discussion with my husband. It sucks. It’s hard to admit that you “failed.” That’s how I took it anyway. Why couldn’t I be strong enough mentally to adapt to all the hormone changes my body was going through. Why couldn’t I adjust to the changes having a baby brought to my life, naturally? I’m not sure why.

I got help for a little while, but later talked myself into thinking “It’s all mental. I can fix it without medication.”

Was I a failure? Am I still a failure after having THREE children and STILL suffering? No, but to be completely honest… the thought crosses my mind sometimes.

I see people post how we are in charge of our own happiness. I agree, but some of us can’t control 100% of the time.

I see this quote posted on Facebook quite often and it’s so true.

 

Depression is a battle that you can’t see.

Most people would never know I suffered from depression. I don’t think I am around anyone long enough to pick up on it. You have good days and bad. If I’m having a bad day… I stay home.

Let me stop right there and say this: Just because I’m admitting that I suffer from depression by NO means does it say that I am crying out for help. I don’t need help. I just want awareness. I have already sought help from my doctor.

Another disclaimer: Just because someone suffers from depression doesn’t mean that they will harm themselves or others. There are different degrees of depression. Just like there are different degrees of all diseases.

I thought it would be interesting to ask a few questions to two close friends of mine. Ladies who I have shared with about MY depression, who are also silently suffering. Their answers may surprise you. These two ladies are completely different from one another. They live different lifestyles, come from different backgrounds, and certainly are fighting different battles. I wanted people to see that it doesn’t matter your lifestyle, or how much money you make, or how you eat, or physically how healthy you are.

 

Friend #1

1)      What are the top five feelings you experience when you are feeling depressed?

Alone, sad, confused, afraid, self-hate

2)      What are a few things that help you to feel better in that moment?

Exercise, deep breaths, time alone to think, think of life accomplishments. All to know I am worth it.

3)      Did you seek medical help/medication?

I did seek medical help, but later than I should have. I suffered depression most of my life and was on and off medication most of it but really didn't accept it until a year ago, and have found the right doctor and meds. So glad that I did.

4)      How long have you suffered?

Most of my life.

5)      Do you feel like suffering from depression is frowned upon in society?

I did feel like it is frowned upon, especially in the military. Something is wrong with you if you are depressed. You're broken.

6)      If you could offer advice to someone who is suffering what would it be?

I would tell people to not be afraid. No one even has to know you have depression. Once you are on medication No one could even tell. But most people suffer from depression. With how stressful life is, there would be something wrong if you never has suffered from it at some point. Get help

 Don't let it consume you anymore.

 

Friend #2

 

1)      What are the top five feelings you experience when you are feeling depressed?

My top feelings are usually a heavy feeling of worthlessness, anger, sadness, emptiness and guilt.

2)      What are a few things that help you to feel better in that moment?

I do a breathing exercise when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Most of the time, I just cry. Crying can be purging for some...for me it's me actually recognizing that I have these emotions and I have a chance to actually "feel" them. I also talk to the people that are the closest to me...having them just listen comforts me. It's very validating.

3)      Did you seek medical help/medication?

I do seek medical attention. I started in 2008 with a therapist. As I began to work on myself, I add more doctors along the way. I see a psychologist to prescribe me medication for my depression and anxiety. I also see a life coach. She helps me create positive actions in my life while living with depression and anxiety. And I also attend a private group therapy with about 6 people. We are from all walks of life: successful, broke, genius, young, old, black, white, men and women. Depression doesn't pick people by gender or class...it's something that effects everyone. Going to group has taught me that when we are all stripped down, honest and raw...we have the same problems. And we all cope with them in different ways.

As far as medication...I take a very special cocktail. It was tailored for me by my psychologist. Often people suffer from situational depression which is temporary...they can take meds for a short time to get over the hump. And there is clinical depression. It's a chemical imbalance that stays with a person... it's part of their make-up. Everyone is different and any medication recommendations should be provided by a licensed dr.  

4)      How long have you suffered?

I have major depressive disorder and sever social anxiety. I was diagnosed in 2008 but after getting help, I realized that I've lived with this all my life. My family or myself did not recognize the signs at the time. I was described as shy or quiet. And I was thought of as lazy or thought I couldn't amount to anything because I couldn't apply myself.

5)      Do you feel like suffering from depression is frowned upon in society?

I definitely feel that society frowns upon depression. And not just depression but a whole slew of mental disorders. It's something that's not talked about because a lot of people don't know enough about the topics. I think society looks down on it because it's something that people can't see. They can't see inside a suffering person's head. Often people that are fighting a mental disorder hide it to keep their jobs, not worry their family or not be judged by someone who won't understand.

6)      If you could offer advice to someone who is suffering what would it be?

The advice I could offer to someone who is suffering from depression...be honest with yourself and get help. Get help when you start to see signs. Don't wait until it's too late. Tell someone you love that you need help and that you need to be taken seriously. Thinking that you can overcome depression by yourself isn't realistic. Knowing that you overcame depression because of the help you received and with the people who stood by your side is empowering. You can always start your life over and be who you want to be. Just reach out.

 

I also had another friend who shared this status this evening that I felt was worth sharing:

"If Robin Williams' death proves anything it’s that anyone can suffer from some form of mental illness or another. The brain, like any other body part can malfunction or cause problems. There is SUCH a stigma on mental illness of all kind. Not all illness looks like schizophrenia or Alzheimer's. Depression and anxiety affect more people than we know. The MORE we talk about these illnesses and quit making people feel like they are not normal or crazy because they suffer from them, the less likely things like this are going to happen. If you believe you are suffering from some type of mental disorder (whether you believe it's chemical, hereditary, or situational) GET HELP! Seek assistance. You cannot combat it alone.”aking people feel like they are not normal or crazy because they suffer from them, the less likely things like this are going to happen. If you believe you are suffering from some type of mental disorder (whether you believe it's chemical, hereditary, or situational) GET HELP! Seek assistance. You cannot combat it alone.

 

All we want is for people to know. We don’t want people to walk on egg shells or think we are crazy. I promise, we aren’t.  

Rest in Peace Robin Williams. Hopefully your story will inspire people to understand the struggle is real.

Suffering Silently. Depression.

I’m pretty sure after hearing the news about Robin Williams tonight, most of the world was shocked. He spent his whole life making the world laugh, when he was so lost inside. It was so saddening that it takes something so tragic and permanent for people to talk about depression.  Why? Why aren’t more people raising awareness? Why are people so afraid to admit that they are struggling? There are so many of us who are suffering silently.

Does this make me less of a woman? Less of a mom? Less of a wife? Even less of a friend? At times… maybe. Only because no one understands. At least, I didn’t think anyone did. It’s not like I have a cast on my arm… now that, you can see. You know to offer help or be a little more kind that day, because you see their arm is broken. They are temporally suffering.

When you struggle with depression is it temporally or permanently? This I can’t answer. We are all different. I feel like with each pregnancy I struggle longer. I’m not sure if that even falls under post-partum anymore either. It hasn’t gone away.  

I finally decided to seek help after I had our first child. My mom talked to me in confidence that she thought I was suffering from post-partum. Then I remember having a discussion with my husband. It sucks. It’s hard to admit that you “failed.” That’s how I took it anyway. Why couldn’t I be strong enough mentally to adapt to all the hormone changes my body was going through. Why couldn’t I adjust to the changes having a baby brought to my life, naturally? I’m not sure why.

I got help for a little while, but later talked myself into thinking “It’s all mental. I can fix it without medication.”

Was I a failure? Am I still a failure after having THREE children and STILL suffering? No, but to be completely honest… the thought crosses my mind sometimes.

I see people post how we are in charge of our own happiness. I agree, but some of us can’t control 100% of the time.

I see this quote posted on Facebook quite often and it’s so true.

 

Depression is a battle that you can’t see.

Most people would never know I suffered from depression. I don’t think I am around anyone long enough to pick up on it. You have good days and bad. If I’m having a bad day… I stay home.

Let me stop right there and say this: Just because I’m admitting that I suffer from depression by NO means does it say that I am crying out for help. I don’t need help. I just want awareness. I have already sought help from my doctor.

Another disclaimer: Just because someone suffers from depression doesn’t mean that they will harm themselves or others. There are different degrees of depression. Just like there are different degrees of all diseases.

I thought it would be interesting to ask a few questions to two close friends of mine. Ladies who I have shared with about MY depression, who are also silently suffering. Their answers may surprise you. These two ladies are completely different from one another. They live different lifestyles, come from different backgrounds, and certainly are fighting different battles. I wanted people to see that it doesn’t matter your lifestyle, or how much money you make, or how you eat, or physically how healthy you are.

 

Friend #1

1)      What are the top five feelings you experience when you are feeling depressed?

Alone, sad, confused, afraid, self-hate

2)      What are a few things that help you to feel better in that moment?

Exercise, deep breaths, time alone to think, think of life accomplishments. All to know I am worth it.

3)      Did you seek medical help/medication?

I did seek medical help, but later than I should have. I suffered depression most of my life and was on and off medication most of it but really didn't accept it until a year ago, and have found the right doctor and meds. So glad that I did.

4)      How long have you suffered?

Most of my life.

5)      Do you feel like suffering from depression is frowned upon in society?

I did feel like it is frowned upon, especially in the military. Something is wrong with you if you are depressed. You're broken.

6)      If you could offer advice to someone who is suffering what would it be?

I would tell people to not be afraid. No one even has to know you have depression. Once you are on medication No one could even tell. But most people suffer from depression. With how stressful life is, there would be something wrong if you never has suffered from it at some point. Get help

 Don't let it consume you anymore.

 

Friend #2

 

1)      What are the top five feelings you experience when you are feeling depressed?

My top feelings are usually a heavy feeling of worthlessness, anger, sadness, emptiness and guilt.

2)      What are a few things that help you to feel better in that moment?

I do a breathing exercise when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Most of the time, I just cry. Crying can be purging for some...for me it's me actually recognizing that I have these emotions and I have a chance to actually "feel" them. I also talk to the people that are the closest to me...having them just listen comforts me. It's very validating.

3)      Did you seek medical help/medication?

I do seek medical attention. I started in 2008 with a therapist. As I began to work on myself, I add more doctors along the way. I see a psychologist to prescribe me medication for my depression and anxiety. I also see a life coach. She helps me create positive actions in my life while living with depression and anxiety. And I also attend a private group therapy with about 6 people. We are from all walks of life: successful, broke, genius, young, old, black, white, men and women. Depression doesn't pick people by gender or class...it's something that effects everyone. Going to group has taught me that when we are all stripped down, honest and raw...we have the same problems. And we all cope with them in different ways.

As far as medication...I take a very special cocktail. It was tailored for me by my psychologist. Often people suffer from situational depression which is temporary...they can take meds for a short time to get over the hump. And there is clinical depression. It's a chemical imbalance that stays with a person... it's part of their make-up. Everyone is different and any medication recommendations should be provided by a licensed dr.  

4)      How long have you suffered?

I have major depressive disorder and sever social anxiety. I was diagnosed in 2008 but after getting help, I realized that I've lived with this all my life. My family or myself did not recognize the signs at the time. I was described as shy or quiet. And I was thought of as lazy or thought I couldn't amount to anything because I couldn't apply myself.

5)      Do you feel like suffering from depression is frowned upon in society?

I definitely feel that society frowns upon depression. And not just depression but a whole slew of mental disorders. It's something that's not talked about because a lot of people don't know enough about the topics. I think society looks down on it because it's something that people can't see. They can't see inside a suffering person's head. Often people that are fighting a mental disorder hide it to keep their jobs, not worry their family or not be judged by someone who won't understand.

6)      If you could offer advice to someone who is suffering what would it be?

The advice I could offer to someone who is suffering from depression...be honest with yourself and get help. Get help when you start to see signs. Don't wait until it's too late. Tell someone you love that you need help and that you need to be taken seriously. Thinking that you can overcome depression by yourself isn't realistic. Knowing that you overcame depression because of the help you received and with the people who stood by your side is empowering. You can always start your life over and be who you want to be. Just reach out.

 

I also had another friend who shared this status this evening that I felt was worth sharing:

"If Robin Williams' death proves anything it’s that anyone can suffer from some form of mental illness or another. The brain, like any other body part can malfunction or cause problems. There is SUCH a stigma on mental illness of all kind. Not all illness looks like schizophrenia or Alzheimer's. Depression and anxiety affect more people than we know. The MORE we talk about these illnesses and quit making people feel like they are not normal or crazy because they suffer from them, the less likely things like this are going to happen. If you believe you are suffering from some type of mental disorder (whether you believe it's chemical, hereditary, or situational) GET HELP! Seek assistance. You cannot combat it alone.”aking people feel like they are not normal or crazy because they suffer from them, the less likely things like this are going to happen. If you believe you are suffering from some type of mental disorder (whether you believe it's chemical, hereditary, or situational) GET HELP! Seek assistance. You cannot combat it alone.

 

All we want is for people to know. We don’t want people to walk on egg shells or think we are crazy. I promise, we aren’t.  

Rest in Peace Robin Williams. Hopefully your story will inspire people to understand the struggle is real.