Nonetheless, she persisted.

I promised myself that I would remain vulnerable and raw no matter what life throws my way. I’ve thought about shutting down several times. To stop blogging… but one thing that stops me is the feeling of shame. Let me just get this over with right now and say I am NOT ashamed of the choices I made. I will NOT feel shame for the choices I made. I am a grown woman. So, if you are reading this and you have anything negative to say bring it on. I’m pretty sure I’m my worst critic so nothing you’re thinking will surprise me.

Let’s go back to the night before my half marathon.

My anxiety was fierce. My stomach remained in my throat. I really didn’t know if I wanted to throw up, sleep, or cry. This was such a huge thing for me to accomplish. Not only physically but mentally. I put so many road blocks up in my mind that sometimes it’s nearly impossible to break through. I trusted my body and my training… but the fear of not finishing still haunted me.

I woke up the next morning and gave it my all. Just like I do most things. When I crossed that finish line I was filled with accomplishment and relief. I did it. I actually finished something I started. My sister and I went to the store later that evening… and I bought a pregnancy test.

Talk about your stomach being in your throat. I had so much on my mind but felt ashamed to even speak of anything out loud. I had the 10 year IUD put in after I had Sadie. I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant for the next TEN years… unless I decided to have it removed. That was my thought process anyways.

Most people know I had been dating this guy. It was a whirlwind of emotions and feelings. Some I hadn’t had in a very long time. We were both broken souls… that was apparent from the start. We both had commitment issues and tried to let go of our pasts. He was amazing. Still is amazing. His heart was kind and wanted to be loved for him… more than he knew. I don’t agree with how things ended and I’m even more confused and hurt then when I started this journey… but He reminded me what it felt like to be desired again.

So back to the terrifying words… pregnancy test. I woke up that morning at 3 am so I could catch my flight back home. I took the test. It was positive. Of course, it had two pink lines. Nothing in my life comes with ease. That’s just a fact that I have come to terms with. I was 32 years old with THREE young kids…. Going through a divorce. On vacation. With a positive pregnancy test and a boyfriend I had only known a month. WTF.

You may be wondering why in the world I would share such intimate details of my life. Well, I have had several people privately email me and tell me their stories. Details about their pain and trials. I feel like if I can reach one person and let them know that none of us are perfect… then writing my story is worth it. I refuse to feel anything but worthy.

Back in TX. I call the guy and he tells me that he doesn’t know if he wants to be tied down. Not really the news I’m wanting to hear… especially after I just told him I was pregnant. Nonetheless, he showed up at my next two doctor appointments.  This is where they confirmed my test. Next appointment was an ultrasound where they found nothing. They told me I was still pregnant, but just very early. My mind is in overdrive now. How is this my life? What did I do so wrong that I deserved so much chaos? How was I going to raise FOUR kids by myself? He reassured me over and over that no matter what we would make it through all of this together. For the first time in a VERY VERY VERY long time… I felt safe.

After a week of overthinking and stress… I ultimately had a miscarriage. A pain and grief no one understands until they live through it. I wasn’t supposed to let people know how broken I felt… because I was made to feel shame. For what? What did I do that was so shameful? Why couldn’t I tell people who continue to follow my story of rebuilding myself… how I TRULY was doing? Knowing my grief had mixed emotions. Sadness but Relief. What was wrong with me?

Cue in the boyfriend…. He hasn’t spoken to me since I said those horrible words of loss. Why would someone choose such a terrible time to ignore someone? Someone that they just reassured. Once again… I am finding myself surrounded with grief and sadness. I thought he was someone who was genuinely interested in my wellbeing. And that was it… I was left alone to miscarry through the weekend. Another time in my life that I'll chalk up to life experience. 

Here I am… reminding myself that I’m worthy. I’m enough. And I will continue to fight these battles and I refuse to let someone’s decisions break me. I am only in control of myself. I can’t make someone else want to stay. I will take my time to grieve and reset…. But then I’m getting right back up to try again. I know that when I do fall, I fall hard. Some may see it as a curse. Some see it as a blessing. The empty feeling in my stomach... tells me that this won't be the last time I feel this way.

Transparency is brave. In a world where we share too much… I’m happy knowing that I share the pieces of my life that make me who I am regardless if they are socially acceptable or beautiful. If someone chooses to love me… then they need to love all parts of me.

Nonetheless, she persisted.

This is me. The cracked mug.

Something I didn’t think I would have to do for a while is…. Look for a job. I had full intentions on waiting until all the kids were in school. You can make life plans all you want. You really can…. But having a plan doesn’t mean that life won’t get in the way.

Life getting in the way… If you asked me a few months ago I may have cried. Now, you’ll catch me smiling when I think about it. I feel like I became trapped in this cage… I could see the keys, but they were just out of reach. I was so busy putting myself last that I forgot to take care of myself.

Sometimes I would look up at the sky and think “Is this it?” I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. I hid myself from others. I stayed indoors. I blamed it all on depression. I never asked myself…. WHY???? Why did I let this happen to me? Why did I go on for so long… so unhappy? I had this idea in my head that at some point in my marriage it was all going to miraculously get better. He was going to wake up one morning and CHOOSE me. Ha! You can say what you want about me… but that was NEVER going to happen. Our relationship/marriage happened for three reasons only… and that was L, K, and S. They are meant to walk this Earth and change the world. And truthfully… I’m so excited to watch them fly and I would go through this heartbreak over and over again just for them.

I’m more excited that they get to grow up watching me. Every decision I make… is for them. I WILL be successful. I WILL teach them how to care for others. At the end of the day I won’t be lonely because they are going to CHOOSE me. They might not know it now and they will probably hate my guts a few more times before they move out… but they feel how much love I have for them and no matter what, I have their backs. They will remember who was there.

When I first started looking for jobs I got so angry. It’s his fault that I didn’t get to spend the time with S like I got to with L. Or K for that matter. Then I got to thinking about S… She has my soul already instilled in her. She didn’t require as much time with me as the other two. All three are blooming. They are the most incredible beings. I can’t believe the resilience, the joy they still find, the forgiveness they show me, and most of all the love they share. Most days I feel like I’m failing. Most days I probably AM failing. But… when I look at those faces… I find the courage to keep climbing over those mountains.

Back to job searching… I have a job in mind. I am going to go tomorrow to see if I’m a fit. I’m confident. I’m ready. I will stand on my own two feet and will NEVER depend on another person. Hopefully I will get to update with good news. If I don’t, then it will be a life lesson to keep going. This is MY story. I am not ashamed of being rejected any longer.

Social media has made so many things easier. Finding old friends, seeing relatives, planning parties, reading up to date news…. But it has also taken so much away from us. We always post the wonderful stuff. The things that make us look happier, the overhaul of gifts we get or our kids get for holidays, our BIG…clean… PERFECT homes/lives. We tend to leave out all the raw stuff. The moments that are ACTUALLY filling our pages. That’s what I feel like I’m here for. To show everyone it’s ok to fall. It’s normal to have everything and then get kicked down to nothing. Showing the world that no matter what you get back on your freakin’ feet and you find a way… because bad stuff happens to EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS WORLD.

I don’t have to live under this stupid view of what society thinks of me. I have eaten my fair share of crappy food… so now I’m working my ASS off to reverse the damage I (gasp… yes ME) caused myself. I have googly eyes for someone who ISN’T my soon-to-be EX-husband (Thank goodness I don’t have to call him that much longer!). I’m pretty sure society says you have to wait a million and a half months to talk to another human being. My car is a 2005 with over 200K miles on it… doesn’t look like success but it runs. And I LOVE it. It’s mine. Not Ours. Not HIS. I sleep on my couch every night because I can’t stand to look at my bed. I threw a whole set of dishes into my fire pit because breaking them made me feel wonderful in that moment. It doesn’t matter what the hell I do… someone will think I’m doing something wrong. Or moving too fast.  "She cusses too much. She has too many tattoos. Or she shares too much of her dirty laundry." Ha! I’m definitely ok with that. At least I’ll give people something to talk about when they are whispering behind my back. J

This is me. I like me… now. I’m not afraid of what others will think anymore.

I hope this inspires someone else to be themselves. It’s truly the only way to be.

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