Nonetheless, she persisted.

I promised myself that I would remain vulnerable and raw no matter what life throws my way. I’ve thought about shutting down several times. To stop blogging… but one thing that stops me is the feeling of shame. Let me just get this over with right now and say I am NOT ashamed of the choices I made. I will NOT feel shame for the choices I made. I am a grown woman. So, if you are reading this and you have anything negative to say bring it on. I’m pretty sure I’m my worst critic so nothing you’re thinking will surprise me.

Let’s go back to the night before my half marathon.

My anxiety was fierce. My stomach remained in my throat. I really didn’t know if I wanted to throw up, sleep, or cry. This was such a huge thing for me to accomplish. Not only physically but mentally. I put so many road blocks up in my mind that sometimes it’s nearly impossible to break through. I trusted my body and my training… but the fear of not finishing still haunted me.

I woke up the next morning and gave it my all. Just like I do most things. When I crossed that finish line I was filled with accomplishment and relief. I did it. I actually finished something I started. My sister and I went to the store later that evening… and I bought a pregnancy test.

Talk about your stomach being in your throat. I had so much on my mind but felt ashamed to even speak of anything out loud. I had the 10 year IUD put in after I had Sadie. I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant for the next TEN years… unless I decided to have it removed. That was my thought process anyways.

Most people know I had been dating this guy. It was a whirlwind of emotions and feelings. Some I hadn’t had in a very long time. We were both broken souls… that was apparent from the start. We both had commitment issues and tried to let go of our pasts. He was amazing. Still is amazing. His heart was kind and wanted to be loved for him… more than he knew. I don’t agree with how things ended and I’m even more confused and hurt then when I started this journey… but He reminded me what it felt like to be desired again.

So back to the terrifying words… pregnancy test. I woke up that morning at 3 am so I could catch my flight back home. I took the test. It was positive. Of course, it had two pink lines. Nothing in my life comes with ease. That’s just a fact that I have come to terms with. I was 32 years old with THREE young kids…. Going through a divorce. On vacation. With a positive pregnancy test and a boyfriend I had only known a month. WTF.

You may be wondering why in the world I would share such intimate details of my life. Well, I have had several people privately email me and tell me their stories. Details about their pain and trials. I feel like if I can reach one person and let them know that none of us are perfect… then writing my story is worth it. I refuse to feel anything but worthy.

Back in TX. I call the guy and he tells me that he doesn’t know if he wants to be tied down. Not really the news I’m wanting to hear… especially after I just told him I was pregnant. Nonetheless, he showed up at my next two doctor appointments.  This is where they confirmed my test. Next appointment was an ultrasound where they found nothing. They told me I was still pregnant, but just very early. My mind is in overdrive now. How is this my life? What did I do so wrong that I deserved so much chaos? How was I going to raise FOUR kids by myself? He reassured me over and over that no matter what we would make it through all of this together. For the first time in a VERY VERY VERY long time… I felt safe.

After a week of overthinking and stress… I ultimately had a miscarriage. A pain and grief no one understands until they live through it. I wasn’t supposed to let people know how broken I felt… because I was made to feel shame. For what? What did I do that was so shameful? Why couldn’t I tell people who continue to follow my story of rebuilding myself… how I TRULY was doing? Knowing my grief had mixed emotions. Sadness but Relief. What was wrong with me?

Cue in the boyfriend…. He hasn’t spoken to me since I said those horrible words of loss. Why would someone choose such a terrible time to ignore someone? Someone that they just reassured. Once again… I am finding myself surrounded with grief and sadness. I thought he was someone who was genuinely interested in my wellbeing. And that was it… I was left alone to miscarry through the weekend. Another time in my life that I'll chalk up to life experience. 

Here I am… reminding myself that I’m worthy. I’m enough. And I will continue to fight these battles and I refuse to let someone’s decisions break me. I am only in control of myself. I can’t make someone else want to stay. I will take my time to grieve and reset…. But then I’m getting right back up to try again. I know that when I do fall, I fall hard. Some may see it as a curse. Some see it as a blessing. The empty feeling in my stomach... tells me that this won't be the last time I feel this way.

Transparency is brave. In a world where we share too much… I’m happy knowing that I share the pieces of my life that make me who I am regardless if they are socially acceptable or beautiful. If someone chooses to love me… then they need to love all parts of me.

Nonetheless, she persisted.

Is this rock bottom?

So... it's been a month since our life turned upside down. It's been an emotional time, that's for sure. I haven't blogged much because our only computer hasn't been working for some reason. 

Ever try to type a whole paper on your phone? Let's give it a shot...

As most of the world knows... my husband and I are getting a divorce for Christmas. Kind of ironic that we shared some of our most exciting news... TWICE on two Christmases. I found out i was pregnant with Kora AND Sadie around Christmas time. One of my absolute favorite times of the year... has now been surrounded with grief, hurt, shame, embarrassment, hopelessness. The list goes one. 

I have been struggling to keep it all together and have a REALLY hard time asking for help. I've had SO many people from every walk of my life reach out and try to help. 

I've had to completely surrender myself and my pride because at the end of the day, my kids are more important than feeling embarrassed or like I failed as a mother. 

I see people post on FB all the time about mom's walking into the food stamp office with a new car, tattoos and an iphone. I'm here to tell you that NO ONE .... and I mean NO ONE has ANY idea what someone is going through. I have a brand new car that's being taken from me, but I still drove it to the food stamp place. I have an arm full of tattoos, but they were paid for as birthday gifts and before my life crumbled around me. I have a Samsung note, that is also being turned off. I had all these nice, expensive things ... looking at me from the outside. However, I was so incredibly broken and desperately trying to survive in the inside. 

My breaking point... yesterday morning I stopped at the corner store so I could grab a drink and snack for Logan's lunch. The kids begged for donuts since it was 7:30 am. I ran into a lady I knew from Logan's school. Smiled and pretended life was going to be ok. She went and paid for her stuff, then left. It was my turn. I went up to the register and just prayed that my card would work. What was I going to tell my kids if it didn't?  I have NEVER.... been THIS LOW.... in my life. The card was declined. I had to go back to the car empty handed and my ego bruised once again.

Have I mentioned Christmas is in 40 something days???? Talk about another panic attack... and a whole different blog post.

I know people are wondering why I'm sharing my absolute darkest time with the world. Truthfully, I'm the type of person who likes to fake it until you make it. I don't like anyone to know I'm struggling with anything. With all my bladder surgeries I'm in horrific, sharp pain frequently... but you would never know. Got to love all the invisible scars I have. I've been fighting with depression for YEARS. Not until recently have I've began sharing that journey. I made a decision to embrace myself with all the good and bad. To not hide anymore. I refuse to be ashamed of who I am... This is me. I'm SO far from perfect. None of my life goals turned out the way I pictured. I say bad words. I like beer. I'm a really great friend... but a pretty crappy one at the same time. Either love me... or move the hell on because what you see NOW, is what you get. I'm funny. I'm as freakin' loyal as they come. I've never even seen Magic Mike or read the 50 shades of grey books because I didn't want to allow my mind to wander. I'm spontaneous and always dive in head first to everything. 

I refuse to sink. I will continue to fight. I will weather this storm so I can help someone else during their storm. It's how the world works. My dad died... I had to figure it out and grieve pretty much on my own. (I'm not saying I didn't have support. I did. I'm saying I had to figure out in my own time and in my own way.) I feel like now, that tragic experience has given me more compassion for my friends who are now losing parents. I remember how I felt and I remember what I hated hearing.... over and over. So now, I am there for them the way I wanted/needed someone to be there for me. I needed to hear the truth. It sucks, you'll have nightmares, panic attacks... breakdowns at the most random times 9 years later. But I'm here... no matter how ugly it gets. 

Anyways.... I just wanted people to understand me. I wanted to be honest with you and let you know that I'm not ok right now. But, this is temporary.

I also wanted to add this last thought... I am NOT sad about losing him. He doesn't deserve what I have to offer. What he did to me is unforgivable. I'm sad for my kids, because things will never be the same. They will be BETTER, but it's still a hard transition at such such a young age. I remember watching my dad leave. I'm sad that the vows I made that September are broken and I had no control over that. 

Thank you.... from every ounce of my being. I will rise. I will conquer. And most importantly, I'll never forget all the love and support I've been shown. All I had to do was be myself.