Nonetheless, she persisted.

I promised myself that I would remain vulnerable and raw no matter what life throws my way. I’ve thought about shutting down several times. To stop blogging… but one thing that stops me is the feeling of shame. Let me just get this over with right now and say I am NOT ashamed of the choices I made. I will NOT feel shame for the choices I made. I am a grown woman. So, if you are reading this and you have anything negative to say bring it on. I’m pretty sure I’m my worst critic so nothing you’re thinking will surprise me.

Let’s go back to the night before my half marathon.

My anxiety was fierce. My stomach remained in my throat. I really didn’t know if I wanted to throw up, sleep, or cry. This was such a huge thing for me to accomplish. Not only physically but mentally. I put so many road blocks up in my mind that sometimes it’s nearly impossible to break through. I trusted my body and my training… but the fear of not finishing still haunted me.

I woke up the next morning and gave it my all. Just like I do most things. When I crossed that finish line I was filled with accomplishment and relief. I did it. I actually finished something I started. My sister and I went to the store later that evening… and I bought a pregnancy test.

Talk about your stomach being in your throat. I had so much on my mind but felt ashamed to even speak of anything out loud. I had the 10 year IUD put in after I had Sadie. I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant for the next TEN years… unless I decided to have it removed. That was my thought process anyways.

Most people know I had been dating this guy. It was a whirlwind of emotions and feelings. Some I hadn’t had in a very long time. We were both broken souls… that was apparent from the start. We both had commitment issues and tried to let go of our pasts. He was amazing. Still is amazing. His heart was kind and wanted to be loved for him… more than he knew. I don’t agree with how things ended and I’m even more confused and hurt then when I started this journey… but He reminded me what it felt like to be desired again.

So back to the terrifying words… pregnancy test. I woke up that morning at 3 am so I could catch my flight back home. I took the test. It was positive. Of course, it had two pink lines. Nothing in my life comes with ease. That’s just a fact that I have come to terms with. I was 32 years old with THREE young kids…. Going through a divorce. On vacation. With a positive pregnancy test and a boyfriend I had only known a month. WTF.

You may be wondering why in the world I would share such intimate details of my life. Well, I have had several people privately email me and tell me their stories. Details about their pain and trials. I feel like if I can reach one person and let them know that none of us are perfect… then writing my story is worth it. I refuse to feel anything but worthy.

Back in TX. I call the guy and he tells me that he doesn’t know if he wants to be tied down. Not really the news I’m wanting to hear… especially after I just told him I was pregnant. Nonetheless, he showed up at my next two doctor appointments.  This is where they confirmed my test. Next appointment was an ultrasound where they found nothing. They told me I was still pregnant, but just very early. My mind is in overdrive now. How is this my life? What did I do so wrong that I deserved so much chaos? How was I going to raise FOUR kids by myself? He reassured me over and over that no matter what we would make it through all of this together. For the first time in a VERY VERY VERY long time… I felt safe.

After a week of overthinking and stress… I ultimately had a miscarriage. A pain and grief no one understands until they live through it. I wasn’t supposed to let people know how broken I felt… because I was made to feel shame. For what? What did I do that was so shameful? Why couldn’t I tell people who continue to follow my story of rebuilding myself… how I TRULY was doing? Knowing my grief had mixed emotions. Sadness but Relief. What was wrong with me?

Cue in the boyfriend…. He hasn’t spoken to me since I said those horrible words of loss. Why would someone choose such a terrible time to ignore someone? Someone that they just reassured. Once again… I am finding myself surrounded with grief and sadness. I thought he was someone who was genuinely interested in my wellbeing. And that was it… I was left alone to miscarry through the weekend. Another time in my life that I'll chalk up to life experience. 

Here I am… reminding myself that I’m worthy. I’m enough. And I will continue to fight these battles and I refuse to let someone’s decisions break me. I am only in control of myself. I can’t make someone else want to stay. I will take my time to grieve and reset…. But then I’m getting right back up to try again. I know that when I do fall, I fall hard. Some may see it as a curse. Some see it as a blessing. The empty feeling in my stomach... tells me that this won't be the last time I feel this way.

Transparency is brave. In a world where we share too much… I’m happy knowing that I share the pieces of my life that make me who I am regardless if they are socially acceptable or beautiful. If someone chooses to love me… then they need to love all parts of me.

Nonetheless, she persisted.

To the single moms who are trying to find their 2nd chance...

I see you. I see how tired you are at the end of the day. I see how tired you are in the mornings because your mind wouldn’t shut off when you laid down. I know how hard it is to hold it all together for not only you but the 3 precious faces you get the pleasure of looking at 24/7. I know you feel like you’re failing… but you are actually kicking ass and taking names. I know it doesn’t feel like it most days, but I promise you that you’re doing an amazing job. Just showing up, being present, and trying your best. These are just some of the reasons you stand out to your littles. They see you too.

Even after your mind reminded you that you might not be ready… because, come on now, you’ve ran through the scenarios several times of what COULD happen. You’ve binge watched the ID channel and have seen the same stories over and over of the single mom looking for love…. Only to fall for the wrong guy and end up on the same channel as the victim. It’s hard. It’s SO freakin hard. BUT, you can’t let fear keep you from meeting someone who could potentially be your 2^nd chance. You DO deserve a 2^nd chance. You know that right? Say it with me “I deserve to be loved. I’m worthy. I’m beautiful just the way that I am. I deserve to love again and be loved. I am enough.” (My amazing friend reminded me of this often through text. Because of her love… I say this daily to myself.)

Some nights you lay there in bed and think about all the heartbreak you’ve seen and felt. If only people could see your heart from the outside… or even your mind. They might be surprised how ripped apart you are. They could also be shocked at how well you DO handle your daily life. If they could see how many moments of your day end in tears, frustration, and cuss words. You just need to remember to give yourself grace, a 2^nd chance, and a few uninterrupted (Ha! Three kids? Yeah right!) deep breaths. One day you will wake up with a different thought process. It just takes a while. Just remember to thank your tribe at the end of it. Thank them for holding your hand through it all. Without judgement, they have loved and cheered you on. You’re probably thinking “How the hell did I get so lucky?” right? I think about that too. Thank your tribe for letting you take as much time as you need to be angry, hurt, distant, and so many more emotions. No one really knows how long it takes the heart to heal. There’s no right time… please know that. People will tell you over and over about TIME… but only you know when your heart is ready. And when it is…. Jump right back in like it was the first time. Hear me? It’s ok! You’re allowed to be loved. You’re allowed to be happy. You are certainly allowed to be a grown up with dreams and passions. Yes, you’re still that amazing momma… but don’t forget you are also a human who thrives on connection with other humans. You love… love. I think that’s admirable. The definition of time is the measured or measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists or continues. So even the Merriam-Webster dictionary doesn’t even have an exact amount of time. Just please… do what your heart feels is right. At the end of the day time doesn’t protect your heart. It may make the hurt, betrayal, grief lesson… but it will always be there.

You’re ready to laugh again aren’t you? You’re ready to find that person to share your life with and make some HAPPY memories. You’re tired of crying and feeling incomplete right? I understand. You learn through this whole process that you can do it on your own. That you are capable of fixing the toilet and taking care of the yard. You climb up to the top of that shiny ladder thing that has leaned up against the wall for months now to change the garage lightbulb. You figure out how to play both roles with a sense of accomplishment. I see you. I see how independent and strong you are becoming. Holy crap… who knew you had it in you girl! I’m amazed by your fierce self and your gentle soul. Keep that spark and allow yourself to be vulnerable again. Life is too short. Do I need to remind you that I lost my dad at 22? I’m not afraid to love again and I refuse to let someone take one of the greatest traits about me away so you shouldn’t either. He may have taken so much from you and the kids… but that doesn’t mean you get to give up. Get back out there. Try again. I promise you won’t be alone.

Your tribe loves you. I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life. They have been with you through one of the worst times in your life.  They will also celebrate your new found love. For them… it will be like falling in love all over again too, because they feel what your heart feels. That’s why they are your tribe. They may tell you to take it slow, and that’s ok. They aren’t saying don’t allow yourself to fall or be too vulnerable. They are just expressing that they don’t want to see you hurt again. They will be there for you again as many times as it takes… but your heartbreak took a toll on them too. You may not have known at the time… but so many people hurt right alongside of you. You are so loved. By so many. That has to tell you something. You may not feel like you’ve accomplished many goals or dreams that you’ve had in the past 10 years…. But if you would stop and see how many people have been cheering you on, holding your hand, opening your beers, helping to pay your bills, watching your kiddos, sending you texts, making you food, telling you that YOU will find a more meaningful love again… You’ve accomplished more than a college degree or a corporate job. You have found that love can be shared in so many other ways than just between a man and woman. Your kids witnessed this love too. They know the importance of throwing out the boundaries of love. Thanks to you.

Please, put yourself back out there. If you are willing to… there’s someone just as special as you out there taking the same chance. When two broken souls find each other it’s a completely different kind of love. You aren’t choosing each other out of necessity or excitement. You are choosing each other because you genuinely want to share life with that person and all that comes with them. You are choosing to love the scars and fears. You will look at each other and understand the battle you both have fought. That’s when the magic happens. I’m not saying you won’t get hurt again. I wish I could… but I am saying that every chance you take will be worth it.

Scared about how your kiddos will react? They are watching and learning from you. It’s important for you to show them that sometimes life sucks…bad. You also need to show them how to get back up when you get the wind knocked out of you. The person you meet will love them too… because they are the biggest part of your heart. And same goes for them and their kids. It’s truly like hitting the jackpot. More hearts mean more people to add to your tribe and love. You get to choose each other. It will be scary for everyone, but again, you know your heart and you trust his. Your kids will be just fine. In fact, they will be better humans because you didn’t give up and you allowed them to see a happier, healthier version of you. They deserve to see what a healthy love looks like. Remember… they will be traveling this road one day too. Just remain patient. Continue to be vulnerable and honest. Don’t fall victim to the past. It already took 10 years of your life.

Last thought… I’m proud of you. I’m so incredibly proud of the woman you have grown into. You are clothed with dignity and strength. You certainly laugh without fear. The most impressive part of all of this… You learned to love yourself regardless. You chose yourself for once and it was the best decision you could make at that time in your life. Will there still be bad days? Heck yes! You are well prepared for those days now though… just remember to ask for help if you need it.

Shout out to all my warrior friends out there. I have watched your journey. I have been cheering you on. Silently… and I’m sorry for that, but it was all I could do at the time. Thank you for loving me regardless of how quiet I was. You understand though. I love and respect the hell out of you because I understand too. Keep fighting the fight and keep loving yourself. You’re so worth it.

-M

Three months in the books.

Three months down… and a lifetime of happiness to go.

This blog post is for all my friends just finding out about their ending marriages. Better yet... let’s just go with the truth, unfaithful husbands. There’s no reason to protect their actions or let others think you are giving up on your marriage. I see it daily… “REAL marriages last because both people refuse to give up on each other.” I call bullshit. Harsh? Probably. My marriage was real. It was REAL to me... just not sacred to him.

Anyways… Here’s my advice for the first month…

·         Fall apart. Yes, I said it. You only get to do it once so you might as well make your meltdown worth it.

·         Go days without eating… Hey, it’s a quick way to lose weight. Who wants to eat and then throw it all back up anyways? I know I was sick to my stomach for DAYS!!!!! Not eating was like a physical cleanse for me. You’ll eat again when your body is ready. Trust me… I had Mexican food!

·         Never sleeping… It’s normal. You don’t want to close your eyes because you’re afraid what will meet you in your dreams. You also don’t want to wake up and face reality all over again.

·         Get angry. I mean REALLY angry… because in 30 seconds you’ll be crying again. I burned pictures and broke things. It was great. That amazing cake topper??? Oh, honey. It’s crushed in a million pieces. Just like my heart.

·         Get sad. It’s ok. I promise… you won’t be sad forever. I would wake up at 3 in the morning having a panic attack. I would hide in the bathroom and scream into my pillow.

·         Don’t shower. Go a few days. Whatever makes you feel better? Crying can’t really make you smell that bad?! And truthfully…. whats the point anyways... you are barely getting off the couch.

·         Find someone to watch your kids and go run. For the first few weeks I would run until I puked. Felt like I was getting all the disgusting feelings out of my system. It felt good.

·         Your kids will be fine if they have to eat the same thing for every meal the first week. My kids though it was awesome. Peanut Butter and Jelly again????? Yay!!! Kids are resilient. They will have plenty of time with you being strong. As long as they are safe, fed, happy… they will be fine.

 

I say all of this because I know. I remember. YOU HAVE TO FALL APART in order to rise.

 

Songs? You knew I would have a playlist. Music is my thing. Listen to these songs and think about me… and how much I’m pushing you forward. You will be where I am now… soon.

“A little bit Stronger” by Sara Evans

“She’s Gonna Make it” by Garth Brooks (My favorite version is James David Carter)

“You were mine” by Dixie Chicks (This one you’ll sob through… It’s ok!)

“Does anybody hear her?” by Casting Crowns

“That don’t sound like you” by Lee Brice

“Fight Song” by Rachel Patton

“Without You” by Dixie Chicks (Best break up songs!)

“Over you” by Chris Daughtry

“I’m movin’ on” by Rascal Flatts

"Used to love you" by Gwen Stefani

 

If you need more… I seriously have more!

 

The reason I’m writing this is because everything that you are feeling is normal. This is a HUGE, tragic life-altering thing happening to you. DO what you have to… to survive. I promise you that the other side is hard, but beautiful.

*** At this stage you are also thinking about forgiving and going back to work on things. I remember this to. It’s also OK and very normal. At the end of the day only YOU know your marriage or relationship. There will be people who support you… and people who don’t. That’s just life. The people who love you will support you and be there no matter what.

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This is me. The cracked mug.

Something I didn’t think I would have to do for a while is…. Look for a job. I had full intentions on waiting until all the kids were in school. You can make life plans all you want. You really can…. But having a plan doesn’t mean that life won’t get in the way.

Life getting in the way… If you asked me a few months ago I may have cried. Now, you’ll catch me smiling when I think about it. I feel like I became trapped in this cage… I could see the keys, but they were just out of reach. I was so busy putting myself last that I forgot to take care of myself.

Sometimes I would look up at the sky and think “Is this it?” I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. I hid myself from others. I stayed indoors. I blamed it all on depression. I never asked myself…. WHY???? Why did I let this happen to me? Why did I go on for so long… so unhappy? I had this idea in my head that at some point in my marriage it was all going to miraculously get better. He was going to wake up one morning and CHOOSE me. Ha! You can say what you want about me… but that was NEVER going to happen. Our relationship/marriage happened for three reasons only… and that was L, K, and S. They are meant to walk this Earth and change the world. And truthfully… I’m so excited to watch them fly and I would go through this heartbreak over and over again just for them.

I’m more excited that they get to grow up watching me. Every decision I make… is for them. I WILL be successful. I WILL teach them how to care for others. At the end of the day I won’t be lonely because they are going to CHOOSE me. They might not know it now and they will probably hate my guts a few more times before they move out… but they feel how much love I have for them and no matter what, I have their backs. They will remember who was there.

When I first started looking for jobs I got so angry. It’s his fault that I didn’t get to spend the time with S like I got to with L. Or K for that matter. Then I got to thinking about S… She has my soul already instilled in her. She didn’t require as much time with me as the other two. All three are blooming. They are the most incredible beings. I can’t believe the resilience, the joy they still find, the forgiveness they show me, and most of all the love they share. Most days I feel like I’m failing. Most days I probably AM failing. But… when I look at those faces… I find the courage to keep climbing over those mountains.

Back to job searching… I have a job in mind. I am going to go tomorrow to see if I’m a fit. I’m confident. I’m ready. I will stand on my own two feet and will NEVER depend on another person. Hopefully I will get to update with good news. If I don’t, then it will be a life lesson to keep going. This is MY story. I am not ashamed of being rejected any longer.

Social media has made so many things easier. Finding old friends, seeing relatives, planning parties, reading up to date news…. But it has also taken so much away from us. We always post the wonderful stuff. The things that make us look happier, the overhaul of gifts we get or our kids get for holidays, our BIG…clean… PERFECT homes/lives. We tend to leave out all the raw stuff. The moments that are ACTUALLY filling our pages. That’s what I feel like I’m here for. To show everyone it’s ok to fall. It’s normal to have everything and then get kicked down to nothing. Showing the world that no matter what you get back on your freakin’ feet and you find a way… because bad stuff happens to EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS WORLD.

I don’t have to live under this stupid view of what society thinks of me. I have eaten my fair share of crappy food… so now I’m working my ASS off to reverse the damage I (gasp… yes ME) caused myself. I have googly eyes for someone who ISN’T my soon-to-be EX-husband (Thank goodness I don’t have to call him that much longer!). I’m pretty sure society says you have to wait a million and a half months to talk to another human being. My car is a 2005 with over 200K miles on it… doesn’t look like success but it runs. And I LOVE it. It’s mine. Not Ours. Not HIS. I sleep on my couch every night because I can’t stand to look at my bed. I threw a whole set of dishes into my fire pit because breaking them made me feel wonderful in that moment. It doesn’t matter what the hell I do… someone will think I’m doing something wrong. Or moving too fast.  "She cusses too much. She has too many tattoos. Or she shares too much of her dirty laundry." Ha! I’m definitely ok with that. At least I’ll give people something to talk about when they are whispering behind my back. J

This is me. I like me… now. I’m not afraid of what others will think anymore.

I hope this inspires someone else to be themselves. It’s truly the only way to be.

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First set of holidays.... DONE.

The first holidays.

When you lose someone... the first set of holidays are the hardest. You feel little reminders along the way. You think you have everything handled and hidden... then bam. More grief hits you. Divorce is losing someone. The only difference I can describe is the disappointment. The dislike. The stages of grief are relatable though!

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

I know I'm not the strongest person, emotionally. I do know that I've been broken so many times before... this was different. I needed to move on for me and the kids. They deserve to have love being shown to them. Shown to their mom. We are showing our children that an unhealthy marriage is to be desired. We have to break the cycle. I'm trying to break the cycle. Did I mention I cold turkey quit my depression meds during this time too? Whew!! (Again, Another post... for another time!)

Thanksgiving was raw. That’s the only way to put it. I felt like everyone was secretly staring at me… passing judgment. I was VERY sensitive. I was feeling like I had to look like I had it all together or someone would point out the truth… that I was in fact, falling apart. Lots of tears, swear words, and alcohol may or may not have filled this temporary void for me.

Christmas. Everyone that knows me… knows I’m a Christmas Freak. Every single room in my house is decorated and Christmas music is blaring all hours of the day. I blurt out quotes from the movie "Elf" numerous times a day. Lights… lights are everywhere outside. This year… I barely got a tree up. I couldn’t stand using the same one we have used for the past 7 Christmases. I decided to buy a $20 one from Walmart in hopes my kids wouldn’t notice. And… they didn’t.  I carried on a few traditions that I've done since I was a little girl, so they had some normalcy.

The gifts. Holy smokes… I don’t even know how to write about all the blessings we received in the month of December. I got gift cards and packages weekly. I pretty much cried every day I checked the mail… except these times it was a different emotion. I couldn’t believe that my kids and I were so loved. I had been told over and over that I was a terrible person. I was manipulated into thinking that nothing I did was ever good enough and that I was failing as a wife. The kindness strangers have shown me… The kindness my friends and family have shown me… There are no words. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart… Thank you so much for making us feel so incredibly loved this Christmas.

Then New Year’s Eve. I decided to go to my hometown and spend it with a family that I adore so much. They have known me since I was 15 and I have always secretly considered them my family. A place that I felt safe and accepted regardless of the circumstance.  I needed a change of scenery and to do something different this year. (Normally I spend NYE at my Mom’s house. Sorry Mom!) I wanted to laugh… to smile… And I truthfully just wanted to feel like myself again. My kids got to go with me. We all had so much fun. The company was amazing. Which leads me to another page I want to write on.. you guessed it... another day.

This may not seem like a victory to some… but it goes down as a victory for me. We survived. We had each other. And we all laughed.

2016… I’m ready to embrace you. I’m ready to grab you by the horns and make you my bitch. (Yes, I just said that… and I'm not sorry.)

You will see a different story being written this year. I can promise you that.

 

  

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