I promised myself that I would remain vulnerable and raw no
matter what life throws my way. I’ve thought about shutting down several times.
To stop blogging… but one thing that stops me is the feeling of shame. Let me
just get this over with right now and say I am NOT ashamed of the choices I
made. I will NOT feel shame for the choices I made. I am a grown woman. So, if you
are reading this and you have anything negative to say bring it on. I’m pretty
sure I’m my worst critic so nothing you’re thinking will surprise me.
Let’s go back to the night before my half marathon.
My anxiety was fierce. My stomach remained in my throat. I
really didn’t know if I wanted to throw up, sleep, or cry. This was such a huge
thing for me to accomplish. Not only physically but mentally. I put so many
road blocks up in my mind that sometimes it’s nearly impossible to break
through. I trusted my body and my training… but the fear of not finishing still
haunted me.
I woke up the next morning and gave it my all. Just like I
do most things. When I crossed that finish line I was filled with
accomplishment and relief. I did it. I actually finished something I started.
My sister and I went to the store later that evening… and I bought a pregnancy test.
Talk about your stomach being in your throat. I had so much
on my mind but felt ashamed to even speak of anything out loud. I had the 10
year IUD put in after I had Sadie. I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant
for the next TEN years… unless I decided to have it removed. That was my
thought process anyways.
Most people know I had been dating this guy. It was a
whirlwind of emotions and feelings. Some I hadn’t had in a very long time. We
were both broken souls… that was apparent from the start. We both had
commitment issues and tried to let go of our pasts. He was amazing. Still is
amazing. His heart was kind and wanted to be loved for him… more than he knew. I
don’t agree with how things ended and I’m even more confused and hurt then when
I started this journey… but He reminded me what it felt like to be desired
again.
So back to the terrifying words… pregnancy test. I woke up
that morning at 3 am so I could catch my flight back home. I took the test. It
was positive. Of course, it had two pink lines. Nothing in my life comes with
ease. That’s just a fact that I have come to terms with. I was 32 years old
with THREE young kids…. Going through a divorce. On vacation. With a positive
pregnancy test and a boyfriend I had only known a month. WTF.
You may be wondering why in the world I would share such
intimate details of my life. Well, I have had several people privately email me
and tell me their stories. Details about their pain and trials. I feel like if
I can reach one person and let them know that none of us are perfect… then
writing my story is worth it. I refuse to feel anything but worthy.
Back in TX. I call the guy and he tells me that he doesn’t
know if he wants to be tied down. Not really the news I’m wanting to hear…
especially after I just told him I was pregnant. Nonetheless, he showed up at
my next two doctor appointments. This is
where they confirmed my test. Next appointment was an ultrasound where they
found nothing. They told me I was still pregnant, but just very early. My mind
is in overdrive now. How is this my life? What did I do so wrong that I
deserved so much chaos? How was I going to raise FOUR kids by myself? He
reassured me over and over that no matter what we would make it through all of
this together. For the first time in a VERY VERY VERY long time… I felt safe.
After a week of overthinking and stress… I ultimately had a
miscarriage. A pain and grief no one understands until they live through it. I
wasn’t supposed to let people know how broken I felt… because I was made to
feel shame. For what? What did I do that was so shameful? Why couldn’t I tell
people who continue to follow my story of rebuilding myself… how I TRULY was
doing? Knowing my grief had mixed emotions. Sadness but Relief. What was wrong
with me?
Cue in the boyfriend…. He hasn’t spoken to me since I said
those horrible words of loss. Why would someone choose such a terrible time to
ignore someone? Someone that they just reassured. Once again… I am finding
myself surrounded with grief and sadness. I thought he was someone who was genuinely
interested in my wellbeing. And that was it… I was left alone to miscarry through
the weekend. Another time in my life that I'll chalk up to life experience.
Here I am… reminding myself that I’m worthy. I’m enough. And
I will continue to fight these battles and I refuse to let someone’s decisions break
me. I am only in control of myself. I can’t make someone else want to stay. I
will take my time to grieve and reset…. But then I’m getting right back up to
try again. I know that when I do fall, I fall hard. Some may see it as a curse. Some see it as a blessing. The empty feeling in my stomach... tells me that this won't be the last time I feel this way.
Transparency is brave. In a world where we share too much… I’m
happy knowing that I share the pieces of my life that make me who I am
regardless if they are socially acceptable or beautiful. If someone chooses to
love me… then they need to love all parts of me.
Nonetheless, she persisted.
