Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Nonetheless, she persisted.


I promised myself that I would remain vulnerable and raw no matter what life throws my way. I’ve thought about shutting down several times. To stop blogging… but one thing that stops me is the feeling of shame. Let me just get this over with right now and say I am NOT ashamed of the choices I made. I will NOT feel shame for the choices I made. I am a grown woman. So, if you are reading this and you have anything negative to say bring it on. I’m pretty sure I’m my worst critic so nothing you’re thinking will surprise me.



Let’s go back to the night before my half marathon.

My anxiety was fierce. My stomach remained in my throat. I really didn’t know if I wanted to throw up, sleep, or cry. This was such a huge thing for me to accomplish. Not only physically but mentally. I put so many road blocks up in my mind that sometimes it’s nearly impossible to break through. I trusted my body and my training… but the fear of not finishing still haunted me.

I woke up the next morning and gave it my all. Just like I do most things. When I crossed that finish line I was filled with accomplishment and relief. I did it. I actually finished something I started. My sister and I went to the store later that evening… and I bought a pregnancy test.

Talk about your stomach being in your throat. I had so much on my mind but felt ashamed to even speak of anything out loud. I had the 10 year IUD put in after I had Sadie. I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant for the next TEN years… unless I decided to have it removed. That was my thought process anyways.

Most people know I had been dating this guy. It was a whirlwind of emotions and feelings. Some I hadn’t had in a very long time. We were both broken souls… that was apparent from the start. We both had commitment issues and tried to let go of our pasts. He was amazing. Still is amazing. His heart was kind and wanted to be loved for him… more than he knew. I don’t agree with how things ended and I’m even more confused and hurt then when I started this journey… but He reminded me what it felt like to be desired again.

So back to the terrifying words… pregnancy test. I woke up that morning at 3 am so I could catch my flight back home. I took the test. It was positive. Of course, it had two pink lines. Nothing in my life comes with ease. That’s just a fact that I have come to terms with. I was 32 years old with THREE young kids…. Going through a divorce. On vacation. With a positive pregnancy test and a boyfriend I had only known a month. WTF.

You may be wondering why in the world I would share such intimate details of my life. Well, I have had several people privately email me and tell me their stories. Details about their pain and trials. I feel like if I can reach one person and let them know that none of us are perfect… then writing my story is worth it. I refuse to feel anything but worthy.

Back in TX. I call the guy and he tells me that he doesn’t know if he wants to be tied down. Not really the news I’m wanting to hear… especially after I just told him I was pregnant. Nonetheless, he showed up at my next two doctor appointments.  This is where they confirmed my test. Next appointment was an ultrasound where they found nothing. They told me I was still pregnant, but just very early. My mind is in overdrive now. How is this my life? What did I do so wrong that I deserved so much chaos? How was I going to raise FOUR kids by myself? He reassured me over and over that no matter what we would make it through all of this together. For the first time in a VERY VERY VERY long time… I felt safe.

After a week of overthinking and stress… I ultimately had a miscarriage. A pain and grief no one understands until they live through it. I wasn’t supposed to let people know how broken I felt… because I was made to feel shame. For what? What did I do that was so shameful? Why couldn’t I tell people who continue to follow my story of rebuilding myself… how I TRULY was doing? Knowing my grief had mixed emotions. Sadness but Relief. What was wrong with me?

Cue in the boyfriend…. He hasn’t spoken to me since I said those horrible words of loss. Why would someone choose such a terrible time to ignore someone? Someone that they just reassured. Once again… I am finding myself surrounded with grief and sadness. I thought he was someone who was genuinely interested in my wellbeing. And that was it… I was left alone to miscarry through the weekend. Another time in my life that I'll chalk up to life experience. 



Here I am… reminding myself that I’m worthy. I’m enough. And I will continue to fight these battles and I refuse to let someone’s decisions break me. I am only in control of myself. I can’t make someone else want to stay. I will take my time to grieve and reset…. But then I’m getting right back up to try again. I know that when I do fall, I fall hard. Some may see it as a curse. Some see it as a blessing. The empty feeling in my stomach... tells me that this won't be the last time I feel this way.



Transparency is brave. In a world where we share too much… I’m happy knowing that I share the pieces of my life that make me who I am regardless if they are socially acceptable or beautiful. If someone chooses to love me… then they need to love all parts of me.



Nonetheless, she persisted.