Taking my mask off.

It’s been awhile.

After the big move…. Things changed.

I haven’t had time to write. I’ve been finding myself out here by the lake. It’s different here. Heaven feels closer… We are actually living. We spend more time together outside now than we ever have.

As soon as we started to get comfortable here… God changed the path of my life forever… again.

I don’t know if he was preparing me for heartbreak... or making us a safe place to land when we got knocked off our feet. The kids too. We have all these welcoming arms here… so when I fell they all caught me. It was exactly where we needed to be. I needed to look out my window and not see army green everywhere. I needed to feel like I had my own place to break down and hide from the world.

We had BIG dreams here. All of us. It’s hard to face the fact that those dreams were never real. It was all a matter of time before it came crashing down.

Feeling like you aren’t enough… feeling like you watched yourself die slowly and never did anything to stop it… feeling used. Trying to raise 3 kids so close in age… drains you. I try to keep up, but most of the time another area of my life is failing.

I understand, though. As much as it hurts to say…. I knew this was going to happen so long ago. I knew all those times I was saying goodbye to him… something wasn’t right. It’s my fault too. We just made different choices. Doesn’t make it hurt any less. After all of these emotions I would compare separating to grieving a death. You become strangers with memories.

The kids are so strong. I feel like they’re carrying me. They have wiped my tears and reminded me how much they love me. Our kids are… amazingly strong… I hope one day they understand how much they mean to me and how I would give up my entire being for them.

Even after all of this… I still find that place in my heart that wishes we could make our family work. I came from a broken family… and I survived. But, I still wonder what it would be like at times to have both parents in my everyday life. However, I’m not going to dwell on this anymore. We will just have to find our new norm as a family of 4.

I don’t know what my path looks like. I don’t know if I’ll ever fall in love again… or if I’ll ever get over this pain. I do know that I have the most amazing support system a girl could ask for. I have friends dragging me out of bed, bringing over meals for my kids, listening to me cry… and cry…. And cry. Friends that check on me EVERY SINGLE DAY. People telling me I’m strong, I’m worthy, I’m beautiful, I’m going to make it. If I wouldn’t have made the choice to share what was going on in my life on Facebook…. I wouldn’t have had so many people helping me get back up. So thank you. I still don’t think I have answered every email. It’s not because I don’t care… I really do. I’m just overwhelmed… and I feel so loved.

It’s ok to admit our lives aren’t perfect. We live in a society where everyone runs to FB to post all the amazingly happy things going on in their lives. We have this perception that everyone is just drinking their pumpkin spice lattes every September while eating pumpkin pie… and not gaining a pound! Or cutting down Christmas trees together as a family in matching flannel. The truth is… we are all struggling with something… It’s nice to know we aren’t alone.

I debated sharing my struggles. I wasn’t sure if I wanted people to know my business. Or to know how vulnerable I really am. I didn’t know if I could handle criticism. I prayed on it for a few days… and here I am making this decision to share my journey. Some days will be a piece of cake. Others will be a thunderstorm. I feel like I have always been an open person. I blog because it makes me feel alive. I want my kids to be able to look back and get a glimpse of my life. Regardless if it was all glitter and roses. I want them to know the real me… and that I refuse to sink.

A friend shared one of Joel Osteen’s FB status today… {The Scripture says, “Confess your faults one to another and you will be healed.” If you keep hiding things, they’re not going to go away. You have to take off the mask. Don’t be embarrassed by it. Everyone is struggling with something. There are no perfect people.}

My mask is off.

Tomorrow is a new day. I’m going to face the day with a smile on my face… because no matter how hurt I am, or how lost I feel… I have THREE little kiddos watching my every move. They need me… like I need them.

My blog will be changing. As much as I don’t want to because I have poured so much into this… I can no longer write for a life I’m having to transition out of.

Believe me when I say… I will rise. I will be better than before. I will not let this break me.