Is this rock bottom?

So... it's been a month since our life turned upside down. It's been an emotional time, that's for sure. I haven't blogged much because our only computer hasn't been working for some reason. 

Ever try to type a whole paper on your phone? Let's give it a shot...

As most of the world knows... my husband and I are getting a divorce for Christmas. Kind of ironic that we shared some of our most exciting news... TWICE on two Christmases. I found out i was pregnant with Kora AND Sadie around Christmas time. One of my absolute favorite times of the year... has now been surrounded with grief, hurt, shame, embarrassment, hopelessness. The list goes one. 

I have been struggling to keep it all together and have a REALLY hard time asking for help. I've had SO many people from every walk of my life reach out and try to help. 

I've had to completely surrender myself and my pride because at the end of the day, my kids are more important than feeling embarrassed or like I failed as a mother. 

I see people post on FB all the time about mom's walking into the food stamp office with a new car, tattoos and an iphone. I'm here to tell you that NO ONE .... and I mean NO ONE has ANY idea what someone is going through. I have a brand new car that's being taken from me, but I still drove it to the food stamp place. I have an arm full of tattoos, but they were paid for as birthday gifts and before my life crumbled around me. I have a Samsung note, that is also being turned off. I had all these nice, expensive things ... looking at me from the outside. However, I was so incredibly broken and desperately trying to survive in the inside. 

My breaking point... yesterday morning I stopped at the corner store so I could grab a drink and snack for Logan's lunch. The kids begged for donuts since it was 7:30 am. I ran into a lady I knew from Logan's school. Smiled and pretended life was going to be ok. She went and paid for her stuff, then left. It was my turn. I went up to the register and just prayed that my card would work. What was I going to tell my kids if it didn't?  I have NEVER.... been THIS LOW.... in my life. The card was declined. I had to go back to the car empty handed and my ego bruised once again.

Have I mentioned Christmas is in 40 something days???? Talk about another panic attack... and a whole different blog post.

I know people are wondering why I'm sharing my absolute darkest time with the world. Truthfully, I'm the type of person who likes to fake it until you make it. I don't like anyone to know I'm struggling with anything. With all my bladder surgeries I'm in horrific, sharp pain frequently... but you would never know. Got to love all the invisible scars I have. I've been fighting with depression for YEARS. Not until recently have I've began sharing that journey. I made a decision to embrace myself with all the good and bad. To not hide anymore. I refuse to be ashamed of who I am... This is me. I'm SO far from perfect. None of my life goals turned out the way I pictured. I say bad words. I like beer. I'm a really great friend... but a pretty crappy one at the same time. Either love me... or move the hell on because what you see NOW, is what you get. I'm funny. I'm as freakin' loyal as they come. I've never even seen Magic Mike or read the 50 shades of grey books because I didn't want to allow my mind to wander. I'm spontaneous and always dive in head first to everything. 

I refuse to sink. I will continue to fight. I will weather this storm so I can help someone else during their storm. It's how the world works. My dad died... I had to figure it out and grieve pretty much on my own. (I'm not saying I didn't have support. I did. I'm saying I had to figure out in my own time and in my own way.) I feel like now, that tragic experience has given me more compassion for my friends who are now losing parents. I remember how I felt and I remember what I hated hearing.... over and over. So now, I am there for them the way I wanted/needed someone to be there for me. I needed to hear the truth. It sucks, you'll have nightmares, panic attacks... breakdowns at the most random times 9 years later. But I'm here... no matter how ugly it gets. 

Anyways.... I just wanted people to understand me. I wanted to be honest with you and let you know that I'm not ok right now. But, this is temporary.

I also wanted to add this last thought... I am NOT sad about losing him. He doesn't deserve what I have to offer. What he did to me is unforgivable. I'm sad for my kids, because things will never be the same. They will be BETTER, but it's still a hard transition at such such a young age. I remember watching my dad leave. I'm sad that the vows I made that September are broken and I had no control over that. 

Thank you.... from every ounce of my being. I will rise. I will conquer. And most importantly, I'll never forget all the love and support I've been shown. All I had to do was be myself. 

This is my NIGHT song!

The dark nights is when it gets hard.

The sun isn’t shining through your windows anymore. You’re not chasing your kids around and the craziness of the daily schedule is done. Dishes are in the sink… but who cares. Your phone stops ringing… The world is quiet. That’s when your mind starts playing like a song stuck on repeat. You start breaking yourself down… over and over again. That’s when I usually cry. I don’t consider myself a huge crier. Well, maybe I am. I feel like when people see me cry… that it’s a sign of weakness. I don’t want to be seen as someone you feel sorry for. In a way… I’m thankful this happened to me.

I was talking with one of my amazing friends when I said “I’m thankful this is happening to me right now. And not my mom, or sisters, nieces…. Friends…. YOU. I don’t want anyone to feel the pain I’m going through. I truly mean that. I'm not bitter that my friends are still in happy marriages. I’m so very thankful they are. Don’t feel like I am going to get upset about sharing your exciting moments still. I NEED to hear them! I want to know that my friends are being loved on.

At night you gain some perspective. Of course that’s after you cry your eyes out and blow your nose a 100 times…  Then you start to realize that you’re still alive. I am healthy… I am strong… I am loved… and I have the most amazing people in my life. And I’m alive. With all my complaining... I don’t want people to be mistaken. I know my situation could be SO much worse. The pain isn’t discounted though. I do understand that I should still find the joy in my situation. And most times I do… in the daylight.

Right now though… I want to be mad. I want to throw things and yell. I want to runaway… or sleep all day. But… I can’t. I don't get to do anything for me, right now.  

So… my son just started cub scouts this year. I was so excited… volunteered to be the den mom. Then this happened… and I disappeared. For some reason I was embarrassed to walk in and see all the dad’s. Fingers pointing at you… and people screaming scarlet letter!!!! Ha… kidding. It was just rough. I had to face it at some point so I went back today. Just him and I…. my mom keeps the girls. We get that one on one time that I long for. He’s growing up to fast.  Anywho… we did it. We had fun. Everyone was supportive. No one pointed at me. It was nice. I smiled most of the time, seeing him so happy.

Then the car ride home happened…. He said to me “Mom, what will it feel like when you marry daddy again? Really weird?” Here comes life lesson #862… “Baby, mommy and daddy will never be married again.” He said “you know Dad still loves you in his heart, right mom?” 

Holding back tears…. Then he goes on to tell me that he never wants me to marry anyone else because I have him.  Ugh! This boy melts my heart. Trying to be honest… but trying to be gentle… and trying to be very positive. It’s rough.

Another hard emotion to get over is finding someone attractive and not feeling like you did something wrong. For almost 8 years… I’ve never looked at anyone that way. You have to start all over. (Yes, I know everything is still fresh… I’m not saying I’m getting married tomorrow or even that I’m ever going to date again… Just wanted to make that clear before I get lots of messages telling me to TAKE MY TIME.) I have to learn someone new. Someone has to learn me all over again. What if they THINK they love me… and then change their mind? What about all my bladder surgeries, my depression, my free spirit? I have to start ALL over again. How is someone going to love me … and THEN have enough love for my kids? My dogs? Cats? So much anxiety. It’s overwhelming. 

Changing your last name.... again!!!! :( :( :(  

You then get really strong. You start listening to “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten…. Singing every word. You start thinking… I can do this. You get up! You take a shower… finally. You get dressed... and I don't mean yoga pants...real pants. You do your hair and make-up. You’re ready to face the freakin’ world!!!!! Drive out of the driveway and turn on the radio. BAM!!!!! Within minutes you’re weak again. It’s a horrible cycle. It’s hard to break it… but you know you’ve grieved long enough… or at least that’s what people are starting to say.

Hey friends…. That are reading this, that I know are going through the EXACT same thing as me right now…. Keep hanging on. I know every single one of you and I’m standing next to you holding your hand… saying cuss words. It will get better!!!

I know I’m rambling… it’s been a roller coaster of a ride so far and it hasn’t even started yet.   

I have so much more to write. I don’t even know if people WANT to read this or are they just trying to be sweet. I do want you all to know that I’ve had a few VERY happy times happen during all of this, but I can’t even write about them. L Maybe another time… for another sleepless night.

One day at a time <3 o:p="">

 

Taking my mask off.

It’s been awhile.

After the big move…. Things changed.

I haven’t had time to write. I’ve been finding myself out here by the lake. It’s different here. Heaven feels closer… We are actually living. We spend more time together outside now than we ever have.

As soon as we started to get comfortable here… God changed the path of my life forever… again.

I don’t know if he was preparing me for heartbreak... or making us a safe place to land when we got knocked off our feet. The kids too. We have all these welcoming arms here… so when I fell they all caught me. It was exactly where we needed to be. I needed to look out my window and not see army green everywhere. I needed to feel like I had my own place to break down and hide from the world.

We had BIG dreams here. All of us. It’s hard to face the fact that those dreams were never real. It was all a matter of time before it came crashing down.

Feeling like you aren’t enough… feeling like you watched yourself die slowly and never did anything to stop it… feeling used. Trying to raise 3 kids so close in age… drains you. I try to keep up, but most of the time another area of my life is failing.

I understand, though. As much as it hurts to say…. I knew this was going to happen so long ago. I knew all those times I was saying goodbye to him… something wasn’t right. It’s my fault too. We just made different choices. Doesn’t make it hurt any less. After all of these emotions I would compare separating to grieving a death. You become strangers with memories.

The kids are so strong. I feel like they’re carrying me. They have wiped my tears and reminded me how much they love me. Our kids are… amazingly strong… I hope one day they understand how much they mean to me and how I would give up my entire being for them.

Even after all of this… I still find that place in my heart that wishes we could make our family work. I came from a broken family… and I survived. But, I still wonder what it would be like at times to have both parents in my everyday life. However, I’m not going to dwell on this anymore. We will just have to find our new norm as a family of 4.

I don’t know what my path looks like. I don’t know if I’ll ever fall in love again… or if I’ll ever get over this pain. I do know that I have the most amazing support system a girl could ask for. I have friends dragging me out of bed, bringing over meals for my kids, listening to me cry… and cry…. And cry. Friends that check on me EVERY SINGLE DAY. People telling me I’m strong, I’m worthy, I’m beautiful, I’m going to make it. If I wouldn’t have made the choice to share what was going on in my life on Facebook…. I wouldn’t have had so many people helping me get back up. So thank you. I still don’t think I have answered every email. It’s not because I don’t care… I really do. I’m just overwhelmed… and I feel so loved.

It’s ok to admit our lives aren’t perfect. We live in a society where everyone runs to FB to post all the amazingly happy things going on in their lives. We have this perception that everyone is just drinking their pumpkin spice lattes every September while eating pumpkin pie… and not gaining a pound! Or cutting down Christmas trees together as a family in matching flannel. The truth is… we are all struggling with something… It’s nice to know we aren’t alone.

I debated sharing my struggles. I wasn’t sure if I wanted people to know my business. Or to know how vulnerable I really am. I didn’t know if I could handle criticism. I prayed on it for a few days… and here I am making this decision to share my journey. Some days will be a piece of cake. Others will be a thunderstorm. I feel like I have always been an open person. I blog because it makes me feel alive. I want my kids to be able to look back and get a glimpse of my life. Regardless if it was all glitter and roses. I want them to know the real me… and that I refuse to sink.

A friend shared one of Joel Osteen’s FB status today… {The Scripture says, “Confess your faults one to another and you will be healed.” If you keep hiding things, they’re not going to go away. You have to take off the mask. Don’t be embarrassed by it. Everyone is struggling with something. There are no perfect people.}

My mask is off.

Tomorrow is a new day. I’m going to face the day with a smile on my face… because no matter how hurt I am, or how lost I feel… I have THREE little kiddos watching my every move. They need me… like I need them.

My blog will be changing. As much as I don’t want to because I have poured so much into this… I can no longer write for a life I’m having to transition out of.

Believe me when I say… I will rise. I will be better than before. I will not let this break me.

Calling all Netflix bingers...

I am a TV junkie… that includes all of the reality shows. I just can’t get enough of them. It’s one of the ways I just relax. When everything is crazy in my life, I can turn the TV on and become whoever I want to be. A surgeon (Grey’s), a member of a biker gang (SOA), a chemist (Breaking Bad), or even a woman in prison (OITNB). There are so many shows out there that you almost HAVE to have a DVR to live. (Dramatic much?) I mean who doesn’t? I find myself staying up WAY too late catching up on my favorites… so starting in July I have decided to detox myself and NOT have satellite anymore. I know people are probably gasping right now thinking NO WAY! I’m not even sure if I can do this without getting the itch of withdrawal, but I’m going to try. I’m going to keep Netflix though…. Come on! I can’t quit cold turkey! I enlisted in my family and friends to give me suggestions of shows to watch while James is away to keep me busy. Several of the shows I have seen or am currently watching.

MY RECOMMENDATIONS – Sons of Anarchy, Breaking Bad, Parenthood (My ALL time Fav), Grey’s Anatomy, Weeds, Big Brother, Amazing Race, Orange is the New Black, Switched at Birth, The Foster’s, Friends, Dexter, House of Cards, Homeland, Game of Thrones, and The Walking Dead. I also watch any and all Documentaries. I have probably seen every single one about prison! Ha!

If you are looking for a new show check some of these out. I decided against compiling them into one list because you’ll get to see just how many people are suggesting it.

Up in my queue for deployment: Hart of Dixie, Scandal, Sex in the City, Downton Abbey, Pretty Little Liars, and Once Upon a Time, Glee and Modern Family.

Here’s what my friends are saying!

Victoria – Grey’s anatomy and Friends!!!!

Kristin - Grey's, Parenthood, Desperate housewives, Criminal minds (although I can't watch that one alone!), Revenge, Scandal.

Zachary - Friends, archer, supernatural, parks and rec, bob's burgers, Family guy, American Dad, Doctor Who, Sherlock, Arrow, S.h.i.e.l.d., and Heroes.

Courtney - Scandal is a good show!

Nicole - Revenge, Scandal, Hart of Dixie, Nashville

Kayla - I started once upon a time when Chris left... House of Cards, Californication, Orange is the new Black, Revenge I love too.

Holli - I've noticed that anytime Dave is away for anything, I watch a lot of The Unit. Love that show!

Cathryn - Breaking Bad and Arrow.

Paula - Revenge and Nights in Rodante!!

Heather - Dexter, Once Upon a Time, Raising Hope, and Hart of Dixie. I usually try to stick to light hearted shows while James is away. Sherlock is a good one too.

Tasha - Supernatural. I'm stuck on those right now hahaha.

Chelsea - Once Upon a Time, Hart of Dixie, The Foster’s, Melissa and Joey, Breaking Bad, and Switched at Birth.

Brittney - I caught up on Once Upon a Time, Grey’s, and Walking Dead. We have watched Weeds and Jericho too. I love the foodie stuff too.

Ashley S - Loved breaking bad, the following, house of cards, orange is the new black. Netflix binges are my guilty pleasure! Oh, definitely The Walking Dead if you don't already watch. And trust me, I am NOT a zombie show person at all. It is soooo good! Seriously.

Deana - Dexter, Once Upon A Time, Bones, Walking Dead, The Following, House of Cards, Haven, Vampire Diaries!

Kathryn - When Joey was deployed I would binge watch anything that made me laugh.

Suki - Revenge, Scandal, Hart of Dixie, Nashville, Grey's Anatomy, Chicago Fire, Bones, Parenthood, Walking Dead, SOA, Breaking Bad, and Private Practice.

Meggan - Orange is the new black, House of Cards, Scandal, Revenge, Glee (don't laugh), Breaking Bad, and Dexter.

Elizabeth - Definitely Scandal! And Game of Thrones! Okay, stop right now - if you haven't watched Sex and the City do that first!

Adrianna - Documentaries...oodles and oodles of Ken Burns, PBS, Call the Midwife, Downton Abbey...

Anna - Sex and the City, Friends, Grey’s, Desperate Housewives, Good Wife, Bachelor, Survivor, and Parenthood. Oh, Game of Thrones too, and Vikings!

Jennifer G - Sons of Anarchy is my favorite show ever! Breaking Bad is really good too, but now that I think about it, you probably want something happy to watch. If you haven't seen Sex in the City, watch those! Or Modern Family and The Middle are both hilarious. Watch Modern Family when he's gone! It will make you smile and laugh. So super funny! Promise!

Jennifer C - I watched all of One Tree Hill while in Korea it was good, Dawson's creek, and Sex and the City.

Summer – Grey’s Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Scandal, Private Practice, Sex and the City, and I’m trying to get brave for the walking dead!!

Kristin - State of Affairs. Madam Secretary. Any of the Gypsy shows on TLC. Dance Moms. Sister Wives. Cutthroat Kitchen. Guy's Grocery Games. Survivor. The Amazing Race. Hardcore Pawn. Impractical Jokers. Lockup on MSNBC. Shipping Wars. Allegiance. The list goes on and maybe I need to rethink how much TV I watch!

Sharon – We watch all of the NCIS shows, Bones, Castle, Grimm, Scorpion, The Voice, So You Think You Can Dance, and Don watches all of the crime shows. I also like all the “feel good” movies on Hallmark and Life Time.

So…. With all of this Netflix talk I figured it would be a perfect opportunity to have another giveaway! Enter below to win a Netflix gift card that’s good for THREE months FREE!

Ways to enter:

• Leave a comment on this post telling me what YOUR favorite Netflix show is. (Or any TV show!) 


• Follow me on twitter @CAMOcanvas


• Like and share my Facebook page CAMO Painted Canvas

Make sure you comment here or on my FB page so I know how many times you should be entered.

*****Disclaimer: This is a giveaway is sponsored by Camo Painted Canvas. All opinions and suggestions are not sponsored or represented by Netflix.

Easy Easter Gift

Every holiday I like to make a cute little gift... that can be put into a mason jar. I admit it... I'm a Mason jar addict. If it can fit into jar, you better believe it's going in one. I have seen this floating around Pinterest for a while now and had to make one of my own.

You can probably get most things at your local dollar store, but even Walmart had the supplies pretty cheap.

Jelly Beans $0.50 a bag

Glass Jar $1.88

Edible Grass $2.00 a bag

Chocolate Bunny $1.00

Ribbon/Fabric/Cupcake Liner – I just used what I had at home.

 

Instructions really aren’t needed for this gift, so just be creative! Make sure it’s not too hot in your house (If you’re in TX) or your bunny will melt. I tried the cupcake liner first as the topper but I didn’t like it as much as the fabric.

 

You really don’t need to include a card (I’m actually anti-cards for some reason) but I LOVEEEEEEE these Mason jars ones I made with my Cricut.

 

I think these would be fun to give to your kiddo’s teachers, coworkers or even your friends.

[caption id="attachment_277" align="aligncenter" width="225"] Step 1 - Decide what supplies you want for your jar.[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_280" align="aligncenter" width="268"] Step 2 - Fill your jar with the amount of grass and jelly beans. Chocolate eggs would work too![/caption]

[caption id="attachment_279" align="aligncenter" width="225"] Step 3 - Put your sweet, little, innocent bunny inside the jar.[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_278" align="aligncenter" width="225"] Final step - Add cupcake liner or fabric to the top and ribbon to finish it off.[/caption]

Logan's Mario Birthday

One thing I love doing as a mom is to plan birthday parties. I LOVE celebrating anyone’s day of birth actually! Going over board is just something that we get to do once a year. Now that Logan is older, he insists on getting on Pinterest and scouring over all the ideas. Thank goodness for Pinterest. It makes people who don’t know how to craft… crafters and people who are crafters… professionals! Ha!  Creativity has never been easier.

We didn’t have a lot of money growing up. My mom was a single mom to three kids, and working full time. I have so many fond memories from my birthday parties growing up. Except that one time… In Kindergarten when she got me a strawberry cake for my party.  She must have forgotten that I was the kid allergic to them!! I can’t wait to do something like that to my kids and cause them years of therapy! Kidding! Anyways, the parties my mom threw with just a little money were so fun. I remember in 1^st or 2^nd grade she did a whole party with obstacle games outside. I can still remember all the laughs from having to chew 4 pieces of gum at one time and blow bubbles. She made all the cakes. All the decorations. She even painted all of our faces. She was the master of creativity. (She still is!)

Birthday parties have since changed. Remember when you got invited to a birthday and your parents just dropped you off? Now you have to plan (and purchase food) for the whole entire family. Not only are they extremely expensive now, but there’s some sort of “Pinterest” standard now. You begin prepping MONTHS before. (Oh, you know you do it too.) You pin a hundred of the coolest ideas and then you start making decorations 60 days out. We start to focus on what everyone else will enjoy seeing. How can we make people stop in their tracks and say “Wow, she throws the best parties!” or “She outdid herself this year!” I can't help the need to please! :)

To be completely honest…. I will do it again and again. To see the look on my kiddos face is priceless. To watch the excitement that this day is about HIM/HER is one of my favorite things about being a parent. I have been scaling down a little. Picking a FEW things from Pinterest and making everything that I can. Trying to work within a budget for each party is a must now with three kids. (My husband is probably saying “yeah, riiiiiight”!)

Sometimes you can't make everything! I'm so excited I found Loontasic Gifts and Décor. She is a local company who specializes in everything balloons. I can't believe her talent and willingness to make anything you need for your themed party. When I asked about Mario Brothers, I never imagined the final product. Logan loves balloons so he was VERY excited that he could combine both his loves into his party favors. If you are local to the Fort Hood area and want party decorations or favors that have the WOW factor, Dora is your gal. She will take your idea and turn it into a work of art. You won't be disappointed.  

With that being said, I am going to be going back and posting blogs about the kid's birthday parties. Yes, I am about 6 months late with Kora’s. Better late than never is how the saying goes right?

Here’s Logan’s 6^th Mario Brothers birthday party.

Logan and his friends!

He became obsessed with Mario right after he turned 5. I’m not really sure how because he had never played one of the games before, but he wanted EVERYTHING Mario.



He wanted a background for pictures.
 

Fantastic balloon centerpiece from Loontastic Gifts

Party favors with candy inside from Loontastic Gifts

This is our Yoshi piñata after plastic surgery!
I wish I had a before picture. You wouldn't believe it!  



All the Mario Brothers inspired food.

Mario and Luigi fruit snacks!

Even my cousin Zach was happy to see the boys!

L couldn't believe it!

How amazing and talented is Loontastic Gifts
with this door greeter?

We love Mario and Luigi!



Logan wanted Mario shoes, but we couldn't find them
 anywhere so my mom HAND painted some for him!

We are "Strong like Steel."

I’m sure most of my readers have already heard the news that I got an amazing opportunity this past weekend for my blog! I got to participate in the “Strong like Steel” campaign hosted by Steel Market Development Institute (SMDI) all the way in Atlanta, GA! Even though the amazing weekend my husband and I had is over, I still am in shock that I even got picked to go!

So what was I doing and why?  I got to go behind the scenes and watch my first NASCAR race! Little did I know how much I would actually be learning during our spontaneous getaway about STEEL and the benefits of using it.

SMDI partnered with the Atlanta Motor Speedway to sponsor the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Folds of Honor Quik Trip 500. They selected 4 ambassadors to attend the event with a guest in order to spread awareness about why #SteelMatters. I got picked to be one of those ambassadors!!! (Yes, little ol’ me would be able to stand on her soap box and might even be heard!) As a military family we understand the importance of staying strong. We know that the only way to get through deployments and multiple PCS moves is to remain “strong as steel.” One of the definitions the dictionary has under the word “STEEL” is: a quality (as hardness of mind or spirit) that suggests steel. I felt like I would be an asset to this campaign because I understood another side of the “Strong like Steel” concept.

The SMDI team and the #SteelMatters ambassadors. (With our guests)

We found out on Monday that we would be able to go, and got on the road Thursday. We are both extremely thankful for both of our moms for making this all happen! My mom drove down to keep our kids, so we could have a nice long weekend to enjoy each other before he leaves. What better way to renew our strength than this purpose!! Not to mention, my husband LOVES NASCAR!!! I have watched a few races on TV… but NOTHING compares to actually being there. You could feel the sounds of the car’s engine in your bones. It was the most amazing feeling.

To read more about SMDI, the “Strong like Steel” campaign, and the other ambassadors check out their blog post: http://wp.me/p3oJOM-1W

Here is an excerpt from the post that I thought was a great example of how important steel truly is.

“When NASCAR drivers take to the track every Sunday at speeds of 200 mph or faster, inconsistent performance is not an option. The vehicles you see on the track each week are steel intensive – and it’s not just the bodies – it’s key structural areas in the vehicle that protect drivers in a crash – specifically the roll cage.”

It’s kind of mind boggling the strength of steel, and how the automotive industry is trying to move in the direction of all aluminum for our vehicles. You know, the vehicles we drive with our whole entire family in it? I don’t know about you, but I have no intention of racing my minivan so the more steel the better in my opinion! It says a lot that NASCAR continues to make their cars lighter and faster over the years, but they will NOT compromise the strength and design of the roll cage. Just that one key design has probably saved every single driver daily. During our weekend we had to keep going out to my husband’s truck so I could charge my phone. Live tweeting and all my FB posts will kill a battery fast! One of the side pieces on his truck door (held on by glue) had popped off. I just kept thinking about how poorly things are made now. It was an example I could comprehend considering I have NO IDEA about anything that has to do with cars, building materials or all things manly.  I felt like after this weekend I wanted to learn more about the benefits of using steel over other materials. I found out that our seat belts are made of steel and so are the car door’s hinges that make the door stay shut during an accident. It also can be recycled over and over again without losing any of its strength. I feel like the more research you do, the more you want to pull away from aluminum and other material that begin to wear over a shorter amount of time. The benefits and facts of using steel are there. We just need to make our voices heard as consumers about what we want and expect from our everyday products.

So, here is what our schedule looked like for the weekend:

Friday – We had dinner with the SMDI’s team and fellow bloggers.  

Saturday- We got to go on the Pit Tour. We also watched the NASCAR XFINITY Series Hisense 250 race and NASCAR Camping World Truck Series Hyundai Construction Equipment 200. Followed by dinner with SMDI’s team.

Sunday – We got to see Cole Swindell perform and then The Folds of Honor Race (The BIG race).

We seriously had so much fun! We were only required to watch one race Saturday, but we drove all this way for fast cars… I wasn’t about to leave. The weather was absolutely terrible, but even that couldn’t stop us from smiling. I felt so blessed to be given this opportunity when I’m just a small time blog. I have big dreams, but haven’t had enough exposure to turn any heads. The people we got to meet and spend time with were a huge part in making our weekend incredible. I remember telling my husband on the way home that I was sad we might never see them again. Maybe we’ll get to work together again someday! Thank you STEEL for this “once in a lifetime” weekend!

Here are some of our pictures from the event:



My new favorite Camping World Truck driver, Jen Jo Cobb.



Any female race car driver that has PINK rims is the best in my book!

James with Jen Jo Cobb.



Me with both Jen's! Ha!

Jen with SMDI and the very official fuel guy (He looked like a minion)!

My husband and I enjoying the 30 seconds of sun!

Our sponsors! #SteelMatters

Us on the finish line!! This is during the Cole Swindell concert.

People were signing the finish line. I wasn't sure if that would cost me a trip to jail so I just took a picture!

I love him!

NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Folds of Honor Quik Trip 500 

You should also check out this video about  Drivers Perspective! (Plus, we have that same truck.... except our is TEXAS edition!)

 

**Compensation for this post was provided by the Steel Market Development Institute via MSB New Media.  All opinions expressed in this piece are my own. 

 

We are "Strong like Steel."

I’m sure most of my readers have already heard the news that I got an amazing opportunity this past weekend for my blog! I got to participate in the “Strong like Steel” campaign hosted by Steel Market Development Institute (SMDI) all the way in Atlanta, GA! Even though the amazing weekend my husband and I had is over, I still am in shock that I even got picked to go!

So what was I doing and why?  I got to go behind the scenes and watch my first NASCAR race! Little did I know how much I would actually be learning during our spontaneous getaway about STEEL and the benefits of using it.

SMDI partnered with the Atlanta Motor Speedway to sponsor the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Folds of Honor Quik Trip 500. They selected 4 ambassadors to attend the event with a guest in order to spread awareness about why #SteelMatters. I got picked to be one of those ambassadors!!! (Yes, little ol’ me would be able to stand on her soap box and might even be heard!) As a military family we understand the importance of staying strong. We know that the only way to get through deployments and multiple PCS moves is to remain “strong as steel.” One of the definitions the dictionary has under the word “STEEL” is: a quality (as hardness of mind or spirit) that suggests steel. I felt like I would be an asset to this campaign because I understood another side of the “Strong like Steel” concept.

The SMDI team and the #SteelMatters ambassadors. (With our guests)

We found out on Monday that we would be able to go, and got on the road Thursday. We are both extremely thankful for both of our moms for making this all happen! My mom drove down to keep our kids, so we could have a nice long weekend to enjoy each other before he leaves. What better way to renew our strength than this purpose!! Not to mention, my husband LOVES NASCAR!!! I have watched a few races on TV… but NOTHING compares to actually being there. You could feel the sounds of the car’s engine in your bones. It was the most amazing feeling.

To read more about SMDI, the “Strong like Steel” campaign, and the other ambassadors check out their blog post: http://wp.me/p3oJOM-1W

Here is an excerpt from the post that I thought was a great example of how important steel truly is.

“When NASCAR drivers take to the track every Sunday at speeds of 200 mph or faster, inconsistent performance is not an option. The vehicles you see on the track each week are steel intensive – and it’s not just the bodies – it’s key structural areas in the vehicle that protect drivers in a crash – specifically the roll cage.”

It’s kind of mind boggling the strength of steel, and how the automotive industry is trying to move in the direction of all aluminum for our vehicles. You know, the vehicles we drive with our whole entire family in it? I don’t know about you, but I have no intention of racing my minivan so the more steel the better in my opinion! It says a lot that NASCAR continues to make their cars lighter and faster over the years, but they will NOT compromise the strength and design of the roll cage. Just that one key design has probably saved every single driver daily. During our weekend we had to keep going out to my husband’s truck so I could charge my phone. Live tweeting and all my FB posts will kill a battery fast! One of the side pieces on his truck door (held on by glue) had popped off. I just kept thinking about how poorly things are made now. It was an example I could comprehend considering I have NO IDEA about anything that has to do with cars, building materials or all things manly.  I felt like after this weekend I wanted to learn more about the benefits of using steel over other materials. I found out that our seat belts are made of steel and so are the car door’s hinges that make the door stay shut during an accident. It also can be recycled over and over again without losing any of its strength. I feel like the more research you do, the more you want to pull away from aluminum and other material that begin to wear over a shorter amount of time. The benefits and facts of using steel are there. We just need to make our voices heard as consumers about what we want and expect from our everyday products.

So, here is what our schedule looked like for the weekend:

Friday – We had dinner with the SMDI’s team and fellow bloggers.  

Saturday- We got to go on the Pit Tour. We also watched the NASCAR XFINITY Series Hisense 250 race and NASCAR Camping World Truck Series Hyundai Construction Equipment 200. Followed by dinner with SMDI’s team.

Sunday – We got to see Cole Swindell perform and then The Folds of Honor Race (The BIG race).

We seriously had so much fun! We were only required to watch one race Saturday, but we drove all this way for fast cars… I wasn’t about to leave. The weather was absolutely terrible, but even that couldn’t stop us from smiling. I felt so blessed to be given this opportunity when I’m just a small time blog. I have big dreams, but haven’t had enough exposure to turn any heads. The people we got to meet and spend time with were a huge part in making our weekend incredible. I remember telling my husband on the way home that I was sad we might never see them again. Maybe we’ll get to work together again someday! Thank you STEEL for this “once in a lifetime” weekend!

Here are some of our pictures from the event:



My new favorite Camping World Truck driver, Jen Jo Cobb.



Any female race car driver that has PINK rims is the best in my book!

James with Jen Jo Cobb.



Me with both Jen's! Ha!

Jen with SMDI and the very official fuel guy (He looked like a minion)!

My husband and I enjoying the 30 seconds of sun!

Our sponsors! #SteelMatters

Us on the finish line!! This is during the Cole Swindell concert.

People were signing the finish line. I wasn't sure if that would cost me a trip to jail so I just took a picture!

I love him!

NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Folds of Honor Quik Trip 500 

You should also check out this video about  Drivers Perspective! (Plus, we have that same truck.... except our is TEXAS edition!)

 

**Compensation for this post was provided by the Steel Market Development Institute via MSB New Media.  All opinions expressed in this piece are my own. 

 

Siblings.

Having siblings, but being an only child.

Anyone else like this? I have several siblings, but when my mom remarried I was 9 years old and we moved to TX. My siblings were older so they chose to stay in CO. My little brother obviously stayed with his mom. I grew up here in TX and they grew up there in CO…. I became an only child.

I know it sounds like an amazing set up… having brothers and sisters when I needed a friend or advice, but got all the attention at home. I’m just here to say it is one of the biggest struggles I think about daily. It’s so hard to watch them all grow as people… without me.

Let’s be honest… I know we think about each other and love one another, but we miss(ed) life with them. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving…. I’m so glad they get together and celebrate. It’s still hard not to be a little bit envious. I wish my kids knew what it was like to have them in their everyday lives. I hope and pray every single day that my kids follow their dreams, but stay close. I can’t describe the feeling of watching my nieces and nephews grow up in pictures. It hurts my heart. We all have had babies, and only got to hold them once or twice. I'm still hoping to meet my newest nephew soon. You want to snuggle and love and kiss on them… but instead you watch someone else do it.   

We can visit whenever we want, but it’s hundreds of dollars and traveling with THREE kids. Whew. It's just hard.

We try our best. We really do. I just feel like the longer we are apart the easier it is. When I see them it is such an emotional high (Does that even sound right? I can’t describe it!) that I can’t even imagine how I have lived without them for so long.

You are left wondering what it would be like to have a huge Thanksgiving with everyone at the same table. Or how they look under the glow of Christmas lights. Even after 22 years, I still constantly think about it.

I’m glad I am where I am… and I am thankful that my mom and I moved to TX when we did. We have a bond stronger than the strongest because we were all we had. We depended on each other to explore this new experience. I met my Husband because of that move. I have all my friends because of it. I don’t regret it. I could have moved back… I did move back… But I didn’t know how to fit in and I still felt a huge part of me missing. No matter where I am in the world, I’m always missing someone important to me. I am blessed that I have so many people to love and miss.

I remember when my dad past away and I felt so lost. I wanted to be close to my siblings so I could have daily reminders of him. My sister Jennifer has his humor. She will make you laugh no matter the situation. Humor (sometimes rated R) is her thing. My brother Mike… Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me tear up. He smells like him. Looks like him. Sounds EXACTLY like him. And his hands… they are dad’s hands. Ryan only had 13 years with him and that just isn’t fair, but he got his heart. He is so loving and only sees the absolute best in everyone. Angie wasn’t biologically his (She is my momma’s!) but man did she love him. She would claim him in a second, and I LOVED her for that. We all make a complete puzzle of our dad… when we are together. I just wish we had a little more time to be together.

I also think about what my relationships would be like with my siblings significant others. Or what kind of friendship they would have with my husband.

That’s the thing about life… We all eventually grow up and start our own.

I guess what I am getting at is I miss them terribly.

I miss my nieces and nephews too. 

Siblings.

Having siblings, but being an only child.

Anyone else like this? I have several siblings, but when my mom remarried I was 9 years old and we moved to TX. My siblings were older so they chose to stay in CO. My little brother obviously stayed with his mom. I grew up here in TX and they grew up there in CO…. I became an only child.

I know it sounds like an amazing set up… having brothers and sisters when I needed a friend or advice, but got all the attention at home. I’m just here to say it is one of the biggest struggles I think about daily. It’s so hard to watch them all grow as people… without me.

Let’s be honest… I know we think about each other and love one another, but we miss(ed) life with them. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving…. I’m so glad they get together and celebrate. It’s still hard not to be a little bit envious. I wish my kids knew what it was like to have them in their everyday lives. I hope and pray every single day that my kids follow their dreams, but stay close. I can’t describe the feeling of watching my nieces and nephews grow up in pictures. It hurts my heart. We all have had babies, and only got to hold them once or twice. I'm still hoping to meet my newest nephew soon. You want to snuggle and love and kiss on them… but instead you watch someone else do it.   

We can visit whenever we want, but it’s hundreds of dollars and traveling with THREE kids. Whew. It's just hard.

We try our best. We really do. I just feel like the longer we are apart the easier it is. When I see them it is such an emotional high (Does that even sound right? I can’t describe it!) that I can’t even imagine how I have lived without them for so long.

You are left wondering what it would be like to have a huge Thanksgiving with everyone at the same table. Or how they look under the glow of Christmas lights. Even after 22 years, I still constantly think about it.

I’m glad I am where I am… and I am thankful that my mom and I moved to TX when we did. We have a bond stronger than the strongest because we were all we had. We depended on each other to explore this new experience. I met my Husband because of that move. I have all my friends because of it. I don’t regret it. I could have moved back… I did move back… But I didn’t know how to fit in and I still felt a huge part of me missing. No matter where I am in the world, I’m always missing someone important to me. I am blessed that I have so many people to love and miss.

I remember when my dad past away and I felt so lost. I wanted to be close to my siblings so I could have daily reminders of him. My sister Jennifer has his humor. She will make you laugh no matter the situation. Humor (sometimes rated R) is her thing. My brother Mike… Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me tear up. He smells like him. Looks like him. Sounds EXACTLY like him. And his hands… they are dad’s hands. Ryan only had 13 years with him and that just isn’t fair, but he got his heart. He is so loving and only sees the absolute best in everyone. Angie wasn’t biologically his (She is my momma’s!) but man did she love him. She would claim him in a second, and I LOVED her for that. We all make a complete puzzle of our dad… when we are together. I just wish we had a little more time to be together.

I also think about what my relationships would be like with my siblings significant others. Or what kind of friendship they would have with my husband.

That’s the thing about life… We all eventually grow up and start our own.

I guess what I am getting at is I miss them terribly.

I miss my nieces and nephews too. 

Fit is the new skinny.

Being overweight.   

Ouch.  

 There, I said it. It sucks to finally (or should I say AGAIN) admit you're failing. You try so hard to keep your kids happy and healthy that somewhere you forget about how important it is for YOU to be healthy.

L is getting to the age where he is going to remember life as a kid now. Not everything… but most. I want him to see how important it is to be healthy. Same with my girls. I want them to love themselves. How can you teach them to love themselves when their number one example is YOU? I am my hardest critic and let me just say… I am not very kind to myself.

Asking how I got here… Wondering how long it will take me to get back. Back to me.

It’s crazy though, I have a whole new perspective on being overweight.

I have battled with my weight for as long as I can remember…Mentally. There were so many times I would look in the mirror and think to myself “You know, I would be better if I lost a few pounds.” Never did I think of myself as healthy. I was beautiful and I was very healthy (Minus the drinking! Hey, I was 21 and wild.)… But society made me think otherwise.

This is one thing I do NOT want my girls (or boy) growing up and believing. Not saying I learned this from my mom, but I can’t remember ONE time my mom looked at herself or even referred to herself as beautiful. As enough. Little did she know her number one fan thought and STILL thinks she hangs the moon, she never believed in herself. She was so busy feeling guilty for decisions she made in the past, raising me (I know I was a pain!) and working full-time.  She never went to the gym. When could she ever find time? Time for herself? Even after all these years she is still falling victim to what society thinks is an “acceptable” body image. She made a comment just the other night “I can’t remember the last time I looked at myself naked in the mirror.” Never in a million years would I have thought she didn’t believe she was “Enough: even at 60 years old.

In my eyes, she is beautiful. She is EVERY thing I want to be in a mother and a wife. She is so stinkin’ caring it’s unreal. She will do ANYTHING for anyone. And to think she has never yelled to the rooftops “I am Enough…. I am Strong… and I AM BEAUTIFUL” is beyond crazy to me.     

Maybe if I would have seen her be more loving to HERSELF… I might be standing on more rooftops. Who knows? It’s not her fault though!

I want my kids standing on rooftops, so I’m going to help be the best reflection of that.

Back to the gut-wrenching topic. So how did I get here? I would love to blame it on my depression… and having/raising THREE young kids, stress, but I have just been lazy. I picked the road to reality TV and ice cream. Instead of working out when the kids got in bed… I sat on the couch exhausted instead of finding my inner strength to get up and be a better me. (I have another medical issue that has a lot to do with it, but that’s for another time.) Now I am having to climb mountains… all UPHILL. Rocky Mountains.

The truths:

·         My skin hurts. I think from stretching so much. It’s not use to this version of me.

·         My body aches just from doing daily things.

·         I get horrible anxiety when I go into stores now because I feel like everyone is judging me and pointing while giggling. (Have you seen the OSMW page on Facebook? It is the absolute WORSE adult bullying page there is and shame on you if you’re a fan of it! All they do is make fun of people, mostly women, because of their weight and what they wear. Pictures are even posted.)  

·         I don’t want to see anyone that hasn’t seen me in a while, because I don’t want their initial thought to be “Wow, she has gained weight.”

·         I have ZERO clothes that fit now.

I have thought several times about writing this, but have been too embarrassed. If I keep my Facebook picture as a close up of my “duck face” (not really… never took a duck face selfie nor will I ever.) no one will know! I can always disguise myself in pictures by hiding my body with my kids. The excuses go on…

The fact of the matter is I no longer want to hide. I want to be honest. I want to be held accountable. You can’t be any of those unless you just let go. (Elsa style! Conceal, Don’t feel, just put on a show…….)

I know some people are feeling like this too. It’s not just you.

So what am I doing about it now? I’m trying… my best.

A few things that I have found that sucked along my way…

·         Walking into a gym (skinny people everywhere!!)

·         Getting a personal trainer…. What do you know? They’re freakin’ skinny too! (P.s. I didn’t get one, just saw them.)

·         Healthy food… it’s extremely expensive and doesn’t taste as good as cupcakes or beer.

·         People really aren’t staring at me while shopping at Walmart.

·         It’s hard work. There really isn’t a magical pill. Except liposuction… but can’t afford that.

·         I didn’t get ANY stretch marks from having babies, but I’m starting to get some now. Ugh!

I do have to admit how lucky I am… My sexy husband just became a personal trainer. He also has been teaching me HOW and WHAT to eat which makes this process a little easier. Not to mention, he is a huge supporter and praising me each step of the way. But… He will be leaving soon and I’ll be on my own. He has instilled enough encouragement to fill the void when he is gone though, and I am extremely grateful.

So, here I am working my ass off every day trying to undo all the lazy nights I chose terrible reality TV shows to watch instead of taking the dog for a walk.

If you’re someone who needs an accountability buddy… I’m your gal. I’m not someone who is saying “losing 100 pounds is easy… I already did it” or “If I can do it, you can too! (Because I only had 3 pounds to lose to begin with).”  I’m in this fight NOW. I will win, I just don’t know how long it will take me. Even then, I’ll still have to fight. I’m going to fail sometimes, but you better bet your ass I’m jumping right back on that horse and riding again. I’m human.

I am enough.

I deserve this.

I am strong… And soon I will scream I am beautiful.