Three months in the books.

Three months down… and a lifetime of happiness to go.

This blog post is for all my friends just finding out about their ending marriages. Better yet... let’s just go with the truth, unfaithful husbands. There’s no reason to protect their actions or let others think you are giving up on your marriage. I see it daily… “REAL marriages last because both people refuse to give up on each other.” I call bullshit. Harsh? Probably. My marriage was real. It was REAL to me... just not sacred to him.

Anyways… Here’s my advice for the first month…

·         Fall apart. Yes, I said it. You only get to do it once so you might as well make your meltdown worth it.

·         Go days without eating… Hey, it’s a quick way to lose weight. Who wants to eat and then throw it all back up anyways? I know I was sick to my stomach for DAYS!!!!! Not eating was like a physical cleanse for me. You’ll eat again when your body is ready. Trust me… I had Mexican food!

·         Never sleeping… It’s normal. You don’t want to close your eyes because you’re afraid what will meet you in your dreams. You also don’t want to wake up and face reality all over again.

·         Get angry. I mean REALLY angry… because in 30 seconds you’ll be crying again. I burned pictures and broke things. It was great. That amazing cake topper??? Oh, honey. It’s crushed in a million pieces. Just like my heart.

·         Get sad. It’s ok. I promise… you won’t be sad forever. I would wake up at 3 in the morning having a panic attack. I would hide in the bathroom and scream into my pillow.

·         Don’t shower. Go a few days. Whatever makes you feel better? Crying can’t really make you smell that bad?! And truthfully…. whats the point anyways... you are barely getting off the couch.

·         Find someone to watch your kids and go run. For the first few weeks I would run until I puked. Felt like I was getting all the disgusting feelings out of my system. It felt good.

·         Your kids will be fine if they have to eat the same thing for every meal the first week. My kids though it was awesome. Peanut Butter and Jelly again????? Yay!!! Kids are resilient. They will have plenty of time with you being strong. As long as they are safe, fed, happy… they will be fine.

 

I say all of this because I know. I remember. YOU HAVE TO FALL APART in order to rise.

 

Songs? You knew I would have a playlist. Music is my thing. Listen to these songs and think about me… and how much I’m pushing you forward. You will be where I am now… soon.

“A little bit Stronger” by Sara Evans

“She’s Gonna Make it” by Garth Brooks (My favorite version is James David Carter)

“You were mine” by Dixie Chicks (This one you’ll sob through… It’s ok!)

“Does anybody hear her?” by Casting Crowns

“That don’t sound like you” by Lee Brice

“Fight Song” by Rachel Patton

“Without You” by Dixie Chicks (Best break up songs!)

“Over you” by Chris Daughtry

“I’m movin’ on” by Rascal Flatts

"Used to love you" by Gwen Stefani

 

If you need more… I seriously have more!

 

The reason I’m writing this is because everything that you are feeling is normal. This is a HUGE, tragic life-altering thing happening to you. DO what you have to… to survive. I promise you that the other side is hard, but beautiful.

*** At this stage you are also thinking about forgiving and going back to work on things. I remember this to. It’s also OK and very normal. At the end of the day only YOU know your marriage or relationship. There will be people who support you… and people who don’t. That’s just life. The people who love you will support you and be there no matter what.

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Fears. Being loved and loving again.

My fear? Being loved… or loving someone again.

Let’s be real… When we all get married (Well 97% of us) we never think we’ll ever get divorced. I can go back to that moment of walking down the aisle and looking at him thinking “Here we go. The rest of my life.” There were so many red flags… but for once I wanted to believe love was enough. And it was… for a while. (Or so I thought.)

Blindsided: When someone so close to you betrays the crap out of you…. Emotionally tears you down and strips you of all that you believed… your sense of feeling safe is compromised… your confidence, gone… there’s only one way to feel and that’s completely lost.

Most days… I don’t even think about all the hell my life has seen the past few months. I’ve had a few reminders that it could always be worse… and you’re absolutely right. It could. However, it really sucks hearing that when you just lost so much. It doesn’t matter who or what you lost… or how. It all hurts. And my life… and the way I’m feeling shouldn’t be discounted because someone else is going through something more tragic. It’s not a competition.

Just because my dad died…. Doesn’t mean I automatically understand exactly how someone else is feeling when they lose their father. My relationship with my dad was truly one of a kind. I can relate… yes, with the grieving process. That’s where it ends though and I’m empathic enough to understand that.

 Same thing with divorce. Just because you were married longer doesn’t mean your marriage was more valuable than mine was. Just because you were married less time doesn’t mean my marriage is more important than yours.

There I go rambling again… I promise there is a point to this.

I keep seeing things being posted about having the courage to love again. I never thought courage and love would ever go together… but I can totally see how they do now. Having the courage…

[cour·age: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty]

I just don’t see how I will ever allow myself to be completely vulnerable again.

 

Yes, for all the people freaking out saying it’s too soon or whatever… yes, you’re right. Love comes with time limits and rules… right?  Hopefully, everyone picked up on my sarcasm. I've never been a follower. Against the grain is my middle name.

I’m talking about right NOW. I can’t see why someone would want to invest time getting to know me when I could potentially run when things got hard. Commitment seems like another death sentence to me. As fun as it is to dream about it… I have to be realistic and know that with every relationship I have to be thinking about more than just love. I feel like I would just be holding that person back. Back from something… less complicated. Everything that person says… you have to replay in your head over and over again because you don’t even know how to feel whole anymore. Some days you feel on top of the world and so strong… only to turn around the next day and cry over everything.

 

Your scars are present. Everyone sees them now.  You try to run and hide… because that’s what you’ve done to survive. But… but maybe one time… ONE time that person won’t let you because they know your fears and they understand your heart.

 

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This is me. The cracked mug.

Something I didn’t think I would have to do for a while is…. Look for a job. I had full intentions on waiting until all the kids were in school. You can make life plans all you want. You really can…. But having a plan doesn’t mean that life won’t get in the way.

Life getting in the way… If you asked me a few months ago I may have cried. Now, you’ll catch me smiling when I think about it. I feel like I became trapped in this cage… I could see the keys, but they were just out of reach. I was so busy putting myself last that I forgot to take care of myself.

Sometimes I would look up at the sky and think “Is this it?” I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. I hid myself from others. I stayed indoors. I blamed it all on depression. I never asked myself…. WHY???? Why did I let this happen to me? Why did I go on for so long… so unhappy? I had this idea in my head that at some point in my marriage it was all going to miraculously get better. He was going to wake up one morning and CHOOSE me. Ha! You can say what you want about me… but that was NEVER going to happen. Our relationship/marriage happened for three reasons only… and that was L, K, and S. They are meant to walk this Earth and change the world. And truthfully… I’m so excited to watch them fly and I would go through this heartbreak over and over again just for them.

I’m more excited that they get to grow up watching me. Every decision I make… is for them. I WILL be successful. I WILL teach them how to care for others. At the end of the day I won’t be lonely because they are going to CHOOSE me. They might not know it now and they will probably hate my guts a few more times before they move out… but they feel how much love I have for them and no matter what, I have their backs. They will remember who was there.

When I first started looking for jobs I got so angry. It’s his fault that I didn’t get to spend the time with S like I got to with L. Or K for that matter. Then I got to thinking about S… She has my soul already instilled in her. She didn’t require as much time with me as the other two. All three are blooming. They are the most incredible beings. I can’t believe the resilience, the joy they still find, the forgiveness they show me, and most of all the love they share. Most days I feel like I’m failing. Most days I probably AM failing. But… when I look at those faces… I find the courage to keep climbing over those mountains.

Back to job searching… I have a job in mind. I am going to go tomorrow to see if I’m a fit. I’m confident. I’m ready. I will stand on my own two feet and will NEVER depend on another person. Hopefully I will get to update with good news. If I don’t, then it will be a life lesson to keep going. This is MY story. I am not ashamed of being rejected any longer.

Social media has made so many things easier. Finding old friends, seeing relatives, planning parties, reading up to date news…. But it has also taken so much away from us. We always post the wonderful stuff. The things that make us look happier, the overhaul of gifts we get or our kids get for holidays, our BIG…clean… PERFECT homes/lives. We tend to leave out all the raw stuff. The moments that are ACTUALLY filling our pages. That’s what I feel like I’m here for. To show everyone it’s ok to fall. It’s normal to have everything and then get kicked down to nothing. Showing the world that no matter what you get back on your freakin’ feet and you find a way… because bad stuff happens to EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS WORLD.

I don’t have to live under this stupid view of what society thinks of me. I have eaten my fair share of crappy food… so now I’m working my ASS off to reverse the damage I (gasp… yes ME) caused myself. I have googly eyes for someone who ISN’T my soon-to-be EX-husband (Thank goodness I don’t have to call him that much longer!). I’m pretty sure society says you have to wait a million and a half months to talk to another human being. My car is a 2005 with over 200K miles on it… doesn’t look like success but it runs. And I LOVE it. It’s mine. Not Ours. Not HIS. I sleep on my couch every night because I can’t stand to look at my bed. I threw a whole set of dishes into my fire pit because breaking them made me feel wonderful in that moment. It doesn’t matter what the hell I do… someone will think I’m doing something wrong. Or moving too fast.  "She cusses too much. She has too many tattoos. Or she shares too much of her dirty laundry." Ha! I’m definitely ok with that. At least I’ll give people something to talk about when they are whispering behind my back. J

This is me. I like me… now. I’m not afraid of what others will think anymore.

I hope this inspires someone else to be themselves. It’s truly the only way to be.

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First set of holidays.... DONE.

The first holidays.

When you lose someone... the first set of holidays are the hardest. You feel little reminders along the way. You think you have everything handled and hidden... then bam. More grief hits you. Divorce is losing someone. The only difference I can describe is the disappointment. The dislike. The stages of grief are relatable though!

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

I know I'm not the strongest person, emotionally. I do know that I've been broken so many times before... this was different. I needed to move on for me and the kids. They deserve to have love being shown to them. Shown to their mom. We are showing our children that an unhealthy marriage is to be desired. We have to break the cycle. I'm trying to break the cycle. Did I mention I cold turkey quit my depression meds during this time too? Whew!! (Again, Another post... for another time!)

Thanksgiving was raw. That’s the only way to put it. I felt like everyone was secretly staring at me… passing judgment. I was VERY sensitive. I was feeling like I had to look like I had it all together or someone would point out the truth… that I was in fact, falling apart. Lots of tears, swear words, and alcohol may or may not have filled this temporary void for me.

Christmas. Everyone that knows me… knows I’m a Christmas Freak. Every single room in my house is decorated and Christmas music is blaring all hours of the day. I blurt out quotes from the movie "Elf" numerous times a day. Lights… lights are everywhere outside. This year… I barely got a tree up. I couldn’t stand using the same one we have used for the past 7 Christmases. I decided to buy a $20 one from Walmart in hopes my kids wouldn’t notice. And… they didn’t.  I carried on a few traditions that I've done since I was a little girl, so they had some normalcy.

The gifts. Holy smokes… I don’t even know how to write about all the blessings we received in the month of December. I got gift cards and packages weekly. I pretty much cried every day I checked the mail… except these times it was a different emotion. I couldn’t believe that my kids and I were so loved. I had been told over and over that I was a terrible person. I was manipulated into thinking that nothing I did was ever good enough and that I was failing as a wife. The kindness strangers have shown me… The kindness my friends and family have shown me… There are no words. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart… Thank you so much for making us feel so incredibly loved this Christmas.

Then New Year’s Eve. I decided to go to my hometown and spend it with a family that I adore so much. They have known me since I was 15 and I have always secretly considered them my family. A place that I felt safe and accepted regardless of the circumstance.  I needed a change of scenery and to do something different this year. (Normally I spend NYE at my Mom’s house. Sorry Mom!) I wanted to laugh… to smile… And I truthfully just wanted to feel like myself again. My kids got to go with me. We all had so much fun. The company was amazing. Which leads me to another page I want to write on.. you guessed it... another day.

This may not seem like a victory to some… but it goes down as a victory for me. We survived. We had each other. And we all laughed.

2016… I’m ready to embrace you. I’m ready to grab you by the horns and make you my bitch. (Yes, I just said that… and I'm not sorry.)

You will see a different story being written this year. I can promise you that.

 

  

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