First set of holidays.... DONE.

The first holidays.

When you lose someone... the first set of holidays are the hardest. You feel little reminders along the way. You think you have everything handled and hidden... then bam. More grief hits you. Divorce is losing someone. The only difference I can describe is the disappointment. The dislike. The stages of grief are relatable though!

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

I know I'm not the strongest person, emotionally. I do know that I've been broken so many times before... this was different. I needed to move on for me and the kids. They deserve to have love being shown to them. Shown to their mom. We are showing our children that an unhealthy marriage is to be desired. We have to break the cycle. I'm trying to break the cycle. Did I mention I cold turkey quit my depression meds during this time too? Whew!! (Again, Another post... for another time!)

Thanksgiving was raw. That’s the only way to put it. I felt like everyone was secretly staring at me… passing judgment. I was VERY sensitive. I was feeling like I had to look like I had it all together or someone would point out the truth… that I was in fact, falling apart. Lots of tears, swear words, and alcohol may or may not have filled this temporary void for me.

Christmas. Everyone that knows me… knows I’m a Christmas Freak. Every single room in my house is decorated and Christmas music is blaring all hours of the day. I blurt out quotes from the movie "Elf" numerous times a day. Lights… lights are everywhere outside. This year… I barely got a tree up. I couldn’t stand using the same one we have used for the past 7 Christmases. I decided to buy a $20 one from Walmart in hopes my kids wouldn’t notice. And… they didn’t.  I carried on a few traditions that I've done since I was a little girl, so they had some normalcy.

The gifts. Holy smokes… I don’t even know how to write about all the blessings we received in the month of December. I got gift cards and packages weekly. I pretty much cried every day I checked the mail… except these times it was a different emotion. I couldn’t believe that my kids and I were so loved. I had been told over and over that I was a terrible person. I was manipulated into thinking that nothing I did was ever good enough and that I was failing as a wife. The kindness strangers have shown me… The kindness my friends and family have shown me… There are no words. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart… Thank you so much for making us feel so incredibly loved this Christmas.

Then New Year’s Eve. I decided to go to my hometown and spend it with a family that I adore so much. They have known me since I was 15 and I have always secretly considered them my family. A place that I felt safe and accepted regardless of the circumstance.  I needed a change of scenery and to do something different this year. (Normally I spend NYE at my Mom’s house. Sorry Mom!) I wanted to laugh… to smile… And I truthfully just wanted to feel like myself again. My kids got to go with me. We all had so much fun. The company was amazing. Which leads me to another page I want to write on.. you guessed it... another day.

This may not seem like a victory to some… but it goes down as a victory for me. We survived. We had each other. And we all laughed.

2016… I’m ready to embrace you. I’m ready to grab you by the horns and make you my bitch. (Yes, I just said that… and I'm not sorry.)

You will see a different story being written this year. I can promise you that.

 

  

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