The Ramblin Rose: This is me. The cracked mug.

Something I didn’t think I would have to do for a while is…. Look for a job. I had full intentions on waiting until all the kids were in school. You can make life plans all you want. You really can…. But having a plan doesn’t mean that life won’t get in the way.

Life getting in the way… If you asked me a few months ago I may have cried. Now, you’ll catch me smiling when I think about it. I feel like I became trapped in this cage… I could see the keys, but they were just out of reach. I was so busy putting myself last that I forgot to take care of myself.

Sometimes I would look up at the sky and think “Is this it?” I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. I hid myself from others. I stayed indoors. I blamed it all on depression. I never asked myself…. WHY???? Why did I let this happen to me? Why did I go on for so long… so unhappy? I had this idea in my head that at some point in my marriage it was all going to miraculously get better. He was going to wake up one morning and CHOOSE me. Ha! You can say what you want about me… but that was NEVER going to happen. Our relationship/marriage happened for three reasons only… and that was L, K, and S. They are meant to walk this Earth and change the world. And truthfully… I’m so excited to watch them fly and I would go through this heartbreak over and over again just for them.

I’m more excited that they get to grow up watching me. Every decision I make… is for them. I WILL be successful. I WILL teach them how to care for others. At the end of the day I won’t be lonely because they are going to CHOOSE me. They might not know it now and they will probably hate my guts a few more times before they move out… but they feel how much love I have for them and no matter what, I have their backs. They will remember who was there.

When I first started looking for jobs I got so angry. It’s his fault that I didn’t get to spend the time with S like I got to with L. Or K for that matter. Then I got to thinking about S… She has my soul already instilled in her. She didn’t require as much time with me as the other two. All three are blooming. They are the most incredible beings. I can’t believe the resilience, the joy they still find, the forgiveness they show me, and most of all the love they share. Most days I feel like I’m failing. Most days I probably AM failing. But… when I look at those faces… I find the courage to keep climbing over those mountains.

Back to job searching… I have a job in mind. I am going to go tomorrow to see if I’m a fit. I’m confident. I’m ready. I will stand on my own two feet and will NEVER depend on another person. Hopefully I will get to update with good news. If I don’t, then it will be a life lesson to keep going. This is MY story. I am not ashamed of being rejected any longer.

Social media has made so many things easier. Finding old friends, seeing relatives, planning parties, reading up to date news…. But it has also taken so much away from us. We always post the wonderful stuff. The things that make us look happier, the overhaul of gifts we get or our kids get for holidays, our BIG…clean… PERFECT homes/lives. We tend to leave out all the raw stuff. The moments that are ACTUALLY filling our pages. That’s what I feel like I’m here for. To show everyone it’s ok to fall. It’s normal to have everything and then get kicked down to nothing. Showing the world that no matter what you get back on your freakin’ feet and you find a way… because bad stuff happens to EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS WORLD.

I don’t have to live under this stupid view of what society thinks of me. I have eaten my fair share of crappy food… so now I’m working my ASS off to reverse the damage I (gasp… yes ME) caused myself. I have googly eyes for someone who ISN’T my soon-to-be EX-husband (Thank goodness I don’t have to call him that much longer!). I’m pretty sure society says you have to wait a million and a half months to talk to another human being. My car is a 2005 with over 200K miles on it… doesn’t look like success but it runs. And I LOVE it. It’s mine. Not Ours. Not HIS. I sleep on my couch every night because I can’t stand to look at my bed. I threw a whole set of dishes into my fire pit because breaking them made me feel wonderful in that moment. It doesn’t matter what the hell I do… someone will think I’m doing something wrong. Or moving too fast. "She cusses too much. She has too many tattoos. Or she shares too much of her dirty laundry." Ha! I’m definitely ok with that. At least I’ll give people something to talk about when they are whispering behind my back. J

This is me. I like me… now. I’m not afraid of what others will think anymore.

I hope this inspires someone else to be themselves. It’s truly the only way to be.