Fears. Being loved and loving again.

My fear? Being loved… or loving someone again.

Let’s be real… When we all get married (Well 97% of us) we never think we’ll ever get divorced. I can go back to that moment of walking down the aisle and looking at him thinking “Here we go. The rest of my life.” There were so many red flags… but for once I wanted to believe love was enough. And it was… for a while. (Or so I thought.)

Blindsided: When someone so close to you betrays the crap out of you…. Emotionally tears you down and strips you of all that you believed… your sense of feeling safe is compromised… your confidence, gone… there’s only one way to feel and that’s completely lost.

Most days… I don’t even think about all the hell my life has seen the past few months. I’ve had a few reminders that it could always be worse… and you’re absolutely right. It could. However, it really sucks hearing that when you just lost so much. It doesn’t matter who or what you lost… or how. It all hurts. And my life… and the way I’m feeling shouldn’t be discounted because someone else is going through something more tragic. It’s not a competition.

Just because my dad died…. Doesn’t mean I automatically understand exactly how someone else is feeling when they lose their father. My relationship with my dad was truly one of a kind. I can relate… yes, with the grieving process. That’s where it ends though and I’m empathic enough to understand that.

 Same thing with divorce. Just because you were married longer doesn’t mean your marriage was more valuable than mine was. Just because you were married less time doesn’t mean my marriage is more important than yours.

There I go rambling again… I promise there is a point to this.

I keep seeing things being posted about having the courage to love again. I never thought courage and love would ever go together… but I can totally see how they do now. Having the courage…

[cour·age: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty]

I just don’t see how I will ever allow myself to be completely vulnerable again.

 

Yes, for all the people freaking out saying it’s too soon or whatever… yes, you’re right. Love comes with time limits and rules… right?  Hopefully, everyone picked up on my sarcasm. I've never been a follower. Against the grain is my middle name.

I’m talking about right NOW. I can’t see why someone would want to invest time getting to know me when I could potentially run when things got hard. Commitment seems like another death sentence to me. As fun as it is to dream about it… I have to be realistic and know that with every relationship I have to be thinking about more than just love. I feel like I would just be holding that person back. Back from something… less complicated. Everything that person says… you have to replay in your head over and over again because you don’t even know how to feel whole anymore. Some days you feel on top of the world and so strong… only to turn around the next day and cry over everything.

 

Your scars are present. Everyone sees them now.  You try to run and hide… because that’s what you’ve done to survive. But… but maybe one time… ONE time that person won’t let you because they know your fears and they understand your heart.

 

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