Siblings.

Having siblings, but being an only child.

Anyone else like this? I have several siblings, but when my mom remarried I was 9 years old and we moved to TX. My siblings were older so they chose to stay in CO. My little brother obviously stayed with his mom. I grew up here in TX and they grew up there in CO…. I became an only child.

I know it sounds like an amazing set up… having brothers and sisters when I needed a friend or advice, but got all the attention at home. I’m just here to say it is one of the biggest struggles I think about daily. It’s so hard to watch them all grow as people… without me.

Let’s be honest… I know we think about each other and love one another, but we miss(ed) life with them. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving…. I’m so glad they get together and celebrate. It’s still hard not to be a little bit envious. I wish my kids knew what it was like to have them in their everyday lives. I hope and pray every single day that my kids follow their dreams, but stay close. I can’t describe the feeling of watching my nieces and nephews grow up in pictures. It hurts my heart. We all have had babies, and only got to hold them once or twice. I'm still hoping to meet my newest nephew soon. You want to snuggle and love and kiss on them… but instead you watch someone else do it.   

We can visit whenever we want, but it’s hundreds of dollars and traveling with THREE kids. Whew. It's just hard.

We try our best. We really do. I just feel like the longer we are apart the easier it is. When I see them it is such an emotional high (Does that even sound right? I can’t describe it!) that I can’t even imagine how I have lived without them for so long.

You are left wondering what it would be like to have a huge Thanksgiving with everyone at the same table. Or how they look under the glow of Christmas lights. Even after 22 years, I still constantly think about it.

I’m glad I am where I am… and I am thankful that my mom and I moved to TX when we did. We have a bond stronger than the strongest because we were all we had. We depended on each other to explore this new experience. I met my Husband because of that move. I have all my friends because of it. I don’t regret it. I could have moved back… I did move back… But I didn’t know how to fit in and I still felt a huge part of me missing. No matter where I am in the world, I’m always missing someone important to me. I am blessed that I have so many people to love and miss.

I remember when my dad past away and I felt so lost. I wanted to be close to my siblings so I could have daily reminders of him. My sister Jennifer has his humor. She will make you laugh no matter the situation. Humor (sometimes rated R) is her thing. My brother Mike… Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me tear up. He smells like him. Looks like him. Sounds EXACTLY like him. And his hands… they are dad’s hands. Ryan only had 13 years with him and that just isn’t fair, but he got his heart. He is so loving and only sees the absolute best in everyone. Angie wasn’t biologically his (She is my momma’s!) but man did she love him. She would claim him in a second, and I LOVED her for that. We all make a complete puzzle of our dad… when we are together. I just wish we had a little more time to be together.

I also think about what my relationships would be like with my siblings significant others. Or what kind of friendship they would have with my husband.

That’s the thing about life… We all eventually grow up and start our own.

I guess what I am getting at is I miss them terribly.

I miss my nieces and nephews too. 

Siblings.

Having siblings, but being an only child.

Anyone else like this? I have several siblings, but when my mom remarried I was 9 years old and we moved to TX. My siblings were older so they chose to stay in CO. My little brother obviously stayed with his mom. I grew up here in TX and they grew up there in CO…. I became an only child.

I know it sounds like an amazing set up… having brothers and sisters when I needed a friend or advice, but got all the attention at home. I’m just here to say it is one of the biggest struggles I think about daily. It’s so hard to watch them all grow as people… without me.

Let’s be honest… I know we think about each other and love one another, but we miss(ed) life with them. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving…. I’m so glad they get together and celebrate. It’s still hard not to be a little bit envious. I wish my kids knew what it was like to have them in their everyday lives. I hope and pray every single day that my kids follow their dreams, but stay close. I can’t describe the feeling of watching my nieces and nephews grow up in pictures. It hurts my heart. We all have had babies, and only got to hold them once or twice. I'm still hoping to meet my newest nephew soon. You want to snuggle and love and kiss on them… but instead you watch someone else do it.   

We can visit whenever we want, but it’s hundreds of dollars and traveling with THREE kids. Whew. It's just hard.

We try our best. We really do. I just feel like the longer we are apart the easier it is. When I see them it is such an emotional high (Does that even sound right? I can’t describe it!) that I can’t even imagine how I have lived without them for so long.

You are left wondering what it would be like to have a huge Thanksgiving with everyone at the same table. Or how they look under the glow of Christmas lights. Even after 22 years, I still constantly think about it.

I’m glad I am where I am… and I am thankful that my mom and I moved to TX when we did. We have a bond stronger than the strongest because we were all we had. We depended on each other to explore this new experience. I met my Husband because of that move. I have all my friends because of it. I don’t regret it. I could have moved back… I did move back… But I didn’t know how to fit in and I still felt a huge part of me missing. No matter where I am in the world, I’m always missing someone important to me. I am blessed that I have so many people to love and miss.

I remember when my dad past away and I felt so lost. I wanted to be close to my siblings so I could have daily reminders of him. My sister Jennifer has his humor. She will make you laugh no matter the situation. Humor (sometimes rated R) is her thing. My brother Mike… Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me tear up. He smells like him. Looks like him. Sounds EXACTLY like him. And his hands… they are dad’s hands. Ryan only had 13 years with him and that just isn’t fair, but he got his heart. He is so loving and only sees the absolute best in everyone. Angie wasn’t biologically his (She is my momma’s!) but man did she love him. She would claim him in a second, and I LOVED her for that. We all make a complete puzzle of our dad… when we are together. I just wish we had a little more time to be together.

I also think about what my relationships would be like with my siblings significant others. Or what kind of friendship they would have with my husband.

That’s the thing about life… We all eventually grow up and start our own.

I guess what I am getting at is I miss them terribly.

I miss my nieces and nephews too. 

Fit is the new skinny.

Being overweight.   

Ouch.  

 There, I said it. It sucks to finally (or should I say AGAIN) admit you're failing. You try so hard to keep your kids happy and healthy that somewhere you forget about how important it is for YOU to be healthy.

L is getting to the age where he is going to remember life as a kid now. Not everything… but most. I want him to see how important it is to be healthy. Same with my girls. I want them to love themselves. How can you teach them to love themselves when their number one example is YOU? I am my hardest critic and let me just say… I am not very kind to myself.

Asking how I got here… Wondering how long it will take me to get back. Back to me.

It’s crazy though, I have a whole new perspective on being overweight.

I have battled with my weight for as long as I can remember…Mentally. There were so many times I would look in the mirror and think to myself “You know, I would be better if I lost a few pounds.” Never did I think of myself as healthy. I was beautiful and I was very healthy (Minus the drinking! Hey, I was 21 and wild.)… But society made me think otherwise.

This is one thing I do NOT want my girls (or boy) growing up and believing. Not saying I learned this from my mom, but I can’t remember ONE time my mom looked at herself or even referred to herself as beautiful. As enough. Little did she know her number one fan thought and STILL thinks she hangs the moon, she never believed in herself. She was so busy feeling guilty for decisions she made in the past, raising me (I know I was a pain!) and working full-time.  She never went to the gym. When could she ever find time? Time for herself? Even after all these years she is still falling victim to what society thinks is an “acceptable” body image. She made a comment just the other night “I can’t remember the last time I looked at myself naked in the mirror.” Never in a million years would I have thought she didn’t believe she was “Enough: even at 60 years old.

In my eyes, she is beautiful. She is EVERY thing I want to be in a mother and a wife. She is so stinkin’ caring it’s unreal. She will do ANYTHING for anyone. And to think she has never yelled to the rooftops “I am Enough…. I am Strong… and I AM BEAUTIFUL” is beyond crazy to me.     

Maybe if I would have seen her be more loving to HERSELF… I might be standing on more rooftops. Who knows? It’s not her fault though!

I want my kids standing on rooftops, so I’m going to help be the best reflection of that.

Back to the gut-wrenching topic. So how did I get here? I would love to blame it on my depression… and having/raising THREE young kids, stress, but I have just been lazy. I picked the road to reality TV and ice cream. Instead of working out when the kids got in bed… I sat on the couch exhausted instead of finding my inner strength to get up and be a better me. (I have another medical issue that has a lot to do with it, but that’s for another time.) Now I am having to climb mountains… all UPHILL. Rocky Mountains.

The truths:

·         My skin hurts. I think from stretching so much. It’s not use to this version of me.

·         My body aches just from doing daily things.

·         I get horrible anxiety when I go into stores now because I feel like everyone is judging me and pointing while giggling. (Have you seen the OSMW page on Facebook? It is the absolute WORSE adult bullying page there is and shame on you if you’re a fan of it! All they do is make fun of people, mostly women, because of their weight and what they wear. Pictures are even posted.)  

·         I don’t want to see anyone that hasn’t seen me in a while, because I don’t want their initial thought to be “Wow, she has gained weight.”

·         I have ZERO clothes that fit now.

I have thought several times about writing this, but have been too embarrassed. If I keep my Facebook picture as a close up of my “duck face” (not really… never took a duck face selfie nor will I ever.) no one will know! I can always disguise myself in pictures by hiding my body with my kids. The excuses go on…

The fact of the matter is I no longer want to hide. I want to be honest. I want to be held accountable. You can’t be any of those unless you just let go. (Elsa style! Conceal, Don’t feel, just put on a show…….)

I know some people are feeling like this too. It’s not just you.

So what am I doing about it now? I’m trying… my best.

A few things that I have found that sucked along my way…

·         Walking into a gym (skinny people everywhere!!)

·         Getting a personal trainer…. What do you know? They’re freakin’ skinny too! (P.s. I didn’t get one, just saw them.)

·         Healthy food… it’s extremely expensive and doesn’t taste as good as cupcakes or beer.

·         People really aren’t staring at me while shopping at Walmart.

·         It’s hard work. There really isn’t a magical pill. Except liposuction… but can’t afford that.

·         I didn’t get ANY stretch marks from having babies, but I’m starting to get some now. Ugh!

I do have to admit how lucky I am… My sexy husband just became a personal trainer. He also has been teaching me HOW and WHAT to eat which makes this process a little easier. Not to mention, he is a huge supporter and praising me each step of the way. But… He will be leaving soon and I’ll be on my own. He has instilled enough encouragement to fill the void when he is gone though, and I am extremely grateful.

So, here I am working my ass off every day trying to undo all the lazy nights I chose terrible reality TV shows to watch instead of taking the dog for a walk.

If you’re someone who needs an accountability buddy… I’m your gal. I’m not someone who is saying “losing 100 pounds is easy… I already did it” or “If I can do it, you can too! (Because I only had 3 pounds to lose to begin with).”  I’m in this fight NOW. I will win, I just don’t know how long it will take me. Even then, I’ll still have to fight. I’m going to fail sometimes, but you better bet your ass I’m jumping right back on that horse and riding again. I’m human.

I am enough.

I deserve this.

I am strong… And soon I will scream I am beautiful.

Fit is the new skinny.

Being overweight.   

Ouch.  

 There, I said it. It sucks to finally (or should I say AGAIN) admit you're failing. You try so hard to keep your kids happy and healthy that somewhere you forget about how important it is for YOU to be healthy.

L is getting to the age where he is going to remember life as a kid now. Not everything… but most. I want him to see how important it is to be healthy. Same with my girls. I want them to love themselves. How can you teach them to love themselves when their number one example is YOU? I am my hardest critic and let me just say… I am not very kind to myself.

Asking how I got here… Wondering how long it will take me to get back. Back to me.

It’s crazy though, I have a whole new perspective on being overweight.

I have battled with my weight for as long as I can remember…Mentally. There were so many times I would look in the mirror and think to myself “You know, I would be better if I lost a few pounds.” Never did I think of myself as healthy. I was beautiful and I was very healthy (Minus the drinking! Hey, I was 21 and wild.)… But society made me think otherwise.

This is one thing I do NOT want my girls (or boy) growing up and believing. Not saying I learned this from my mom, but I can’t remember ONE time my mom looked at herself or even referred to herself as beautiful. As enough. Little did she know her number one fan thought and STILL thinks she hangs the moon, she never believed in herself. She was so busy feeling guilty for decisions she made in the past, raising me (I know I was a pain!) and working full-time.  She never went to the gym. When could she ever find time? Time for herself? Even after all these years she is still falling victim to what society thinks is an “acceptable” body image. She made a comment just the other night “I can’t remember the last time I looked at myself naked in the mirror.” Never in a million years would I have thought she didn’t believe she was “Enough: even at 60 years old.

In my eyes, she is beautiful. She is EVERY thing I want to be in a mother and a wife. She is so stinkin’ caring it’s unreal. She will do ANYTHING for anyone. And to think she has never yelled to the rooftops “I am Enough…. I am Strong… and I AM BEAUTIFUL” is beyond crazy to me.     

Maybe if I would have seen her be more loving to HERSELF… I might be standing on more rooftops. Who knows? It’s not her fault though!

I want my kids standing on rooftops, so I’m going to help be the best reflection of that.

Back to the gut-wrenching topic. So how did I get here? I would love to blame it on my depression… and having/raising THREE young kids, stress, but I have just been lazy. I picked the road to reality TV and ice cream. Instead of working out when the kids got in bed… I sat on the couch exhausted instead of finding my inner strength to get up and be a better me. (I have another medical issue that has a lot to do with it, but that’s for another time.) Now I am having to climb mountains… all UPHILL. Rocky Mountains.

The truths:

·         My skin hurts. I think from stretching so much. It’s not use to this version of me.

·         My body aches just from doing daily things.

·         I get horrible anxiety when I go into stores now because I feel like everyone is judging me and pointing while giggling. (Have you seen the OSMW page on Facebook? It is the absolute WORSE adult bullying page there is and shame on you if you’re a fan of it! All they do is make fun of people, mostly women, because of their weight and what they wear. Pictures are even posted.)  

·         I don’t want to see anyone that hasn’t seen me in a while, because I don’t want their initial thought to be “Wow, she has gained weight.”

·         I have ZERO clothes that fit now.

I have thought several times about writing this, but have been too embarrassed. If I keep my Facebook picture as a close up of my “duck face” (not really… never took a duck face selfie nor will I ever.) no one will know! I can always disguise myself in pictures by hiding my body with my kids. The excuses go on…

The fact of the matter is I no longer want to hide. I want to be honest. I want to be held accountable. You can’t be any of those unless you just let go. (Elsa style! Conceal, Don’t feel, just put on a show…….)

I know some people are feeling like this too. It’s not just you.

So what am I doing about it now? I’m trying… my best.

A few things that I have found that sucked along my way…

·         Walking into a gym (skinny people everywhere!!)

·         Getting a personal trainer…. What do you know? They’re freakin’ skinny too! (P.s. I didn’t get one, just saw them.)

·         Healthy food… it’s extremely expensive and doesn’t taste as good as cupcakes or beer.

·         People really aren’t staring at me while shopping at Walmart.

·         It’s hard work. There really isn’t a magical pill. Except liposuction… but can’t afford that.

·         I didn’t get ANY stretch marks from having babies, but I’m starting to get some now. Ugh!

I do have to admit how lucky I am… My sexy husband just became a personal trainer. He also has been teaching me HOW and WHAT to eat which makes this process a little easier. Not to mention, he is a huge supporter and praising me each step of the way. But… He will be leaving soon and I’ll be on my own. He has instilled enough encouragement to fill the void when he is gone though, and I am extremely grateful.

So, here I am working my ass off every day trying to undo all the lazy nights I chose terrible reality TV shows to watch instead of taking the dog for a walk.

If you’re someone who needs an accountability buddy… I’m your gal. I’m not someone who is saying “losing 100 pounds is easy… I already did it” or “If I can do it, you can too! (Because I only had 3 pounds to lose to begin with).”  I’m in this fight NOW. I will win, I just don’t know how long it will take me. Even then, I’ll still have to fight. I’m going to fail sometimes, but you better bet your ass I’m jumping right back on that horse and riding again. I’m human.

I am enough.

I deserve this.

I am strong… And soon I will scream I am beautiful.

Out with the old... In with the Tiny!

Clutter = Depression

I actually read an article stating clutter could be triggering depression. I feel like I have said that so many times. “The house is a mess and it’s making me feel blue!” Then when you try to clean and get NO WHERE… Thank you 3 sweet babies… You feel even worse.

You know that saying “You have to take the bull by its horns?”

Side note: I am horrible at quoting sayings. I do it all the time but 95% of the time I say them wrong. While watching The Bachelor last night I said “Wow, she is a cloud 9 clinger!” Oh my goodness…. My husband laughed so hard. Truthfully, I actually thought it was “You have to take the bull by the balls,” but didn’t think that sounded right or appropriate so I googled it. Ha! Ok..... Moving on from my NOT so blonde moment.

So here I am… About to move again. I think this will be the 4^th time in 4 years. Sixth time in 7 years…. About to be NINE times in our 7 years of marriage!!! Whoa!!!!

I have a lot of crap.

I love to craft. I can’t just have 1 stamp pad though. I have to have 20. It’s a vicious cycle. And it adds up.

This isn’t a new year’s resolution. (Can I even still make one?) This is real life. I need and want to do this for my family. I think it would be a great project while James is away. I’m obsessed with Tiny Living so I think I’ll use that concept to an extent.

Donate.  Save.  Sell.

I want to use this with my health too. Cut back on the crap. Eat clean, exercise for stress relief. I know I will feel better all around. I feel like 2015 is going to be a good year for me if I TAKE Action… not just TALK about it.

What are you favorite organization tricks? Comment and let me know! I love sharing new ideas.

My sister is a professional organizer. Gasp… I know. She lives in a different state though, so I can’t ask for help as a Christmas gift. BUMMER! I messaged her and said “HELP!!! I need to get rid of this mess!” She said:

1)      Someday has passed… so get rid of all the crap you say “Someday I’m going to fix this… or Someday I’m going to have a garage sale.”

2)      If it’s not worth more than $50… don’t try to sell it.

3)      Call and schedule a pick up from the Salvation Army (Or wherever!) to come pick up your donations. It will give you a deadline.

4)      Start and complete ONE ROOM AT A TIME!

That’s where I’m going to leave this….. I’m headed off to Pinterest to find some easy ideas and then my kids and I will be making a game out of this. Not sure if that is proactive, or procrastination at its finest. We shall see. I'm hoping for a post a week of ideas!

Out with the old... In with the Tiny!

Clutter = Depression

I actually read an article stating clutter could be triggering depression. I feel like I have said that so many times. “The house is a mess and it’s making me feel blue!” Then when you try to clean and get NO WHERE… Thank you 3 sweet babies… You feel even worse.

You know that saying “You have to take the bull by its horns?”

Side note: I am horrible at quoting sayings. I do it all the time but 95% of the time I say them wrong. While watching The Bachelor last night I said “Wow, she is a cloud 9 clinger!” Oh my goodness…. My husband laughed so hard. Truthfully, I actually thought it was “You have to take the bull by the balls,” but didn’t think that sounded right or appropriate so I googled it. Ha! Ok..... Moving on from my NOT so blonde moment.

So here I am… About to move again. I think this will be the 4^th time in 4 years. Sixth time in 7 years…. About to be NINE times in our 7 years of marriage!!! Whoa!!!!

I have a lot of crap.

I love to craft. I can’t just have 1 stamp pad though. I have to have 20. It’s a vicious cycle. And it adds up.

This isn’t a new year’s resolution. (Can I even still make one?) This is real life. I need and want to do this for my family. I think it would be a great project while James is away. I’m obsessed with Tiny Living so I think I’ll use that concept to an extent.

Donate.  Save.  Sell.

I want to use this with my health too. Cut back on the crap. Eat clean, exercise for stress relief. I know I will feel better all around. I feel like 2015 is going to be a good year for me if I TAKE Action… not just TALK about it.

What are you favorite organization tricks? Comment and let me know! I love sharing new ideas.

My sister is a professional organizer. Gasp… I know. She lives in a different state though, so I can’t ask for help as a Christmas gift. BUMMER! I messaged her and said “HELP!!! I need to get rid of this mess!” She said:

1)      Someday has passed… so get rid of all the crap you say “Someday I’m going to fix this… or Someday I’m going to have a garage sale.”

2)      If it’s not worth more than $50… don’t try to sell it.

3)      Call and schedule a pick up from the Salvation Army (Or wherever!) to come pick up your donations. It will give you a deadline.

4)      Start and complete ONE ROOM AT A TIME!

That’s where I’m going to leave this….. I’m headed off to Pinterest to find some easy ideas and then my kids and I will be making a game out of this. Not sure if that is proactive, or procrastination at its finest. We shall see. I'm hoping for a post a week of ideas!