Fit is the new skinny.

Being overweight.   

Ouch.  

 There, I said it. It sucks to finally (or should I say AGAIN) admit you're failing. You try so hard to keep your kids happy and healthy that somewhere you forget about how important it is for YOU to be healthy.

L is getting to the age where he is going to remember life as a kid now. Not everything… but most. I want him to see how important it is to be healthy. Same with my girls. I want them to love themselves. How can you teach them to love themselves when their number one example is YOU? I am my hardest critic and let me just say… I am not very kind to myself.

Asking how I got here… Wondering how long it will take me to get back. Back to me.

It’s crazy though, I have a whole new perspective on being overweight.

I have battled with my weight for as long as I can remember…Mentally. There were so many times I would look in the mirror and think to myself “You know, I would be better if I lost a few pounds.” Never did I think of myself as healthy. I was beautiful and I was very healthy (Minus the drinking! Hey, I was 21 and wild.)… But society made me think otherwise.

This is one thing I do NOT want my girls (or boy) growing up and believing. Not saying I learned this from my mom, but I can’t remember ONE time my mom looked at herself or even referred to herself as beautiful. As enough. Little did she know her number one fan thought and STILL thinks she hangs the moon, she never believed in herself. She was so busy feeling guilty for decisions she made in the past, raising me (I know I was a pain!) and working full-time.  She never went to the gym. When could she ever find time? Time for herself? Even after all these years she is still falling victim to what society thinks is an “acceptable” body image. She made a comment just the other night “I can’t remember the last time I looked at myself naked in the mirror.” Never in a million years would I have thought she didn’t believe she was “Enough: even at 60 years old.

In my eyes, she is beautiful. She is EVERY thing I want to be in a mother and a wife. She is so stinkin’ caring it’s unreal. She will do ANYTHING for anyone. And to think she has never yelled to the rooftops “I am Enough…. I am Strong… and I AM BEAUTIFUL” is beyond crazy to me.     

Maybe if I would have seen her be more loving to HERSELF… I might be standing on more rooftops. Who knows? It’s not her fault though!

I want my kids standing on rooftops, so I’m going to help be the best reflection of that.

Back to the gut-wrenching topic. So how did I get here? I would love to blame it on my depression… and having/raising THREE young kids, stress, but I have just been lazy. I picked the road to reality TV and ice cream. Instead of working out when the kids got in bed… I sat on the couch exhausted instead of finding my inner strength to get up and be a better me. (I have another medical issue that has a lot to do with it, but that’s for another time.) Now I am having to climb mountains… all UPHILL. Rocky Mountains.

The truths:

·         My skin hurts. I think from stretching so much. It’s not use to this version of me.

·         My body aches just from doing daily things.

·         I get horrible anxiety when I go into stores now because I feel like everyone is judging me and pointing while giggling. (Have you seen the OSMW page on Facebook? It is the absolute WORSE adult bullying page there is and shame on you if you’re a fan of it! All they do is make fun of people, mostly women, because of their weight and what they wear. Pictures are even posted.)  

·         I don’t want to see anyone that hasn’t seen me in a while, because I don’t want their initial thought to be “Wow, she has gained weight.”

·         I have ZERO clothes that fit now.

I have thought several times about writing this, but have been too embarrassed. If I keep my Facebook picture as a close up of my “duck face” (not really… never took a duck face selfie nor will I ever.) no one will know! I can always disguise myself in pictures by hiding my body with my kids. The excuses go on…

The fact of the matter is I no longer want to hide. I want to be honest. I want to be held accountable. You can’t be any of those unless you just let go. (Elsa style! Conceal, Don’t feel, just put on a show…….)

I know some people are feeling like this too. It’s not just you.

So what am I doing about it now? I’m trying… my best.

A few things that I have found that sucked along my way…

·         Walking into a gym (skinny people everywhere!!)

·         Getting a personal trainer…. What do you know? They’re freakin’ skinny too! (P.s. I didn’t get one, just saw them.)

·         Healthy food… it’s extremely expensive and doesn’t taste as good as cupcakes or beer.

·         People really aren’t staring at me while shopping at Walmart.

·         It’s hard work. There really isn’t a magical pill. Except liposuction… but can’t afford that.

·         I didn’t get ANY stretch marks from having babies, but I’m starting to get some now. Ugh!

I do have to admit how lucky I am… My sexy husband just became a personal trainer. He also has been teaching me HOW and WHAT to eat which makes this process a little easier. Not to mention, he is a huge supporter and praising me each step of the way. But… He will be leaving soon and I’ll be on my own. He has instilled enough encouragement to fill the void when he is gone though, and I am extremely grateful.

So, here I am working my ass off every day trying to undo all the lazy nights I chose terrible reality TV shows to watch instead of taking the dog for a walk.

If you’re someone who needs an accountability buddy… I’m your gal. I’m not someone who is saying “losing 100 pounds is easy… I already did it” or “If I can do it, you can too! (Because I only had 3 pounds to lose to begin with).”  I’m in this fight NOW. I will win, I just don’t know how long it will take me. Even then, I’ll still have to fight. I’m going to fail sometimes, but you better bet your ass I’m jumping right back on that horse and riding again. I’m human.

I am enough.

I deserve this.

I am strong… And soon I will scream I am beautiful.