The dark nights is when it gets hard.
The sun isn’t shining through your windows anymore. You’re not chasing your kids around and the craziness of the daily schedule is done. Dishes are in the sink… but who cares. Your phone stops ringing… The world is quiet. That’s when your mind starts playing like a song stuck on repeat. You start breaking yourself down… over and over again. That’s when I usually cry. I don’t consider myself a huge crier. Well, maybe I am. I feel like when people see me cry… that it’s a sign of weakness. I don’t want to be seen as someone you feel sorry for. In a way… I’m thankful this happened to me.
I was talking with one of my amazing friends when I said “I’m thankful this is happening to me right now. And not my mom, or sisters, nieces…. Friends…. YOU. I don’t want anyone to feel the pain I’m going through. I truly mean that. I'm not bitter that my friends are still in happy marriages. I’m so very thankful they are. Don’t feel like I am going to get upset about sharing your exciting moments still. I NEED to hear them! I want to know that my friends are being loved on.
At night you gain some perspective. Of course that’s after you cry your eyes out and blow your nose a 100 times… Then you start to realize that you’re still alive. I am healthy… I am strong… I am loved… and I have the most amazing people in my life. And I’m alive. With all my complaining... I don’t want people to be mistaken. I know my situation could be SO much worse. The pain isn’t discounted though. I do understand that I should still find the joy in my situation. And most times I do… in the daylight.
Right now though… I want to be mad. I want to throw things and yell. I want to runaway… or sleep all day. But… I can’t. I don't get to do anything for me, right now.
So… my son just started cub scouts this year. I was so excited… volunteered to be the den mom. Then this happened… and I disappeared. For some reason I was embarrassed to walk in and see all the dad’s. Fingers pointing at you… and people screaming scarlet letter!!!! Ha… kidding. It was just rough. I had to face it at some point so I went back today. Just him and I…. my mom keeps the girls. We get that one on one time that I long for. He’s growing up to fast. Anywho… we did it. We had fun. Everyone was supportive. No one pointed at me. It was nice. I smiled most of the time, seeing him so happy.
Then the car ride home happened…. He said to me “Mom, what will it feel like when you marry daddy again? Really weird?” Here comes life lesson #862… “Baby, mommy and daddy will never be married again.” He said “you know Dad still loves you in his heart, right mom?”
Holding back tears…. Then he goes on to tell me that he never wants me to marry anyone else because I have him. Ugh! This boy melts my heart. Trying to be honest… but trying to be gentle… and trying to be very positive. It’s rough.
Another hard emotion to get over is finding someone attractive and not feeling like you did something wrong. For almost 8 years… I’ve never looked at anyone that way. You have to start all over. (Yes, I know everything is still fresh… I’m not saying I’m getting married tomorrow or even that I’m ever going to date again… Just wanted to make that clear before I get lots of messages telling me to TAKE MY TIME.) I have to learn someone new. Someone has to learn me all over again. What if they THINK they love me… and then change their mind? What about all my bladder surgeries, my depression, my free spirit? I have to start ALL over again. How is someone going to love me … and THEN have enough love for my kids? My dogs? Cats? So much anxiety. It’s overwhelming.
Changing your last name.... again!!!! :( :( :(
You then get really strong. You start listening to “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten…. Singing every word. You start thinking… I can do this. You get up! You take a shower… finally. You get dressed... and I don't mean yoga pants...real pants. You do your hair and make-up. You’re ready to face the freakin’ world!!!!! Drive out of the driveway and turn on the radio. BAM!!!!! Within minutes you’re weak again. It’s a horrible cycle. It’s hard to break it… but you know you’ve grieved long enough… or at least that’s what people are starting to say.
Hey friends…. That are reading this, that I know are going through the EXACT same thing as me right now…. Keep hanging on. I know every single one of you and I’m standing next to you holding your hand… saying cuss words. It will get better!!!
I know I’m rambling… it’s been a roller coaster of a ride so far and it hasn’t even started yet.
I have so much more to write. I don’t even know if people WANT to read this or are they just trying to be sweet. I do want you all to know that I’ve had a few VERY happy times happen during all of this, but I can’t even write about them. L Maybe another time… for another sleepless night.
One day at a time <3 o:p="">
3 comments:
I remember all these feelings plus a thousand more. Starting over is hard but in the end it's wonderful. I lost who I was and was given a chance to rediscover myself and you will too. Happiness does exist it's not always going to be sleepless nights one day you will wake up refreshed and never look back.
I am sitting in divorce court as I am reading this. It hits very close to home. I promise it gets better and I wish you weren't having to go through it. I have found myself again and I like who I have become, and I'm excited to see who you'll become.
I love reading your words. Keep writing! Even though not everyone may have been divorced, like me, people have still experienced gut wrenching lost and can relate. Keep it up!!! You are a strong woman!!!!
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